giangthuy
Sep 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Your job has more effect on your happiness than your living environment does. [11]
your writing have some mistakes, you can see it again. and i think that it is also incoherent. U should express that u agree or not, and use some transitional words to make your reader understand your ideas clearly.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your living environment does.
With the development of the economy, people become more and more rich (richer and richer). They start to pay attention to mental requirement like happiness. While I accept that job can offer happiness to some people, I believe that living environment is more important than job for most of us.
Admittedly, job can bring us happiness. People can receive a sense of values and respected from job. If people receive respect from others, they will feel achievement and self-confidence. In addition, job can provide money to us.(-> provide money to us for what? How can money bring us happiness? U should write a clause ...)
However, people should concern more about their living environment than job. First, for most of us, job is only a tool to maintain our lives. Few people can feel happiness from their job because they have to continue to work more than 30 years. For example, Workers in the FOXCONN factory, which is the main manufacture of APPLE Company, just repeat one action more than 8 hours every day. These labor works (these jobs) cannot provide workers with a lot of happiness because they feel tired and frustrated after long hour work (long working hours).
Second, beautiful environment is one of basic physiological needs, which are the most fundamental requirements for people (I don't understand what you mean. U mean that living in a beautiful environment is one of the basic requirement of our life) . Without beautiful environment, people are not able to feel happiness and will fell anxiety.(I think that: Without living in a beautiful environment....) Nowadays, the fast development of economy is gradually destroying our environment very quickly. Factories released a huge amount of wasters into river and soil. In order to build city and factory, people destroy huge forests. In China, some residents who live in nearby some toxic factories became sick because these factories release a lot of toxic water and wasters into environment around people (them). Even though local residents benefits (have a enormous benefit) from an increasing number of jobs which are provided by those factories, they cannot feel happiness from high-paying job yet because most of them suffer from cancer or other diseases.
In conclusion, it is far better to protect our living environment rather than focus on job or work since the goal people is for good livers.
your writing have some mistakes, you can see it again. and i think that it is also incoherent. U should express that u agree or not, and use some transitional words to make your reader understand your ideas clearly.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your living environment does.
With the development of the economy, people become more and more rich (richer and richer). They start to pay attention to mental requirement like happiness. While I accept that job can offer happiness to some people, I believe that living environment is more important than job for most of us.
Admittedly, job can bring us happiness. People can receive a sense of values and respected from job. If people receive respect from others, they will feel achievement and self-confidence. In addition, job can provide money to us.(-> provide money to us for what? How can money bring us happiness? U should write a clause ...)
However, people should concern more about their living environment than job. First, for most of us, job is only a tool to maintain our lives. Few people can feel happiness from their job because they have to continue to work more than 30 years. For example, Workers in the FOXCONN factory, which is the main manufacture of APPLE Company, just repeat one action more than 8 hours every day. These labor works (these jobs) cannot provide workers with a lot of happiness because they feel tired and frustrated after long hour work (long working hours).
Second, beautiful environment is one of basic physiological needs, which are the most fundamental requirements for people (I don't understand what you mean. U mean that living in a beautiful environment is one of the basic requirement of our life) . Without beautiful environment, people are not able to feel happiness and will fell anxiety.(I think that: Without living in a beautiful environment....) Nowadays, the fast development of economy is gradually destroying our environment very quickly. Factories released a huge amount of wasters into river and soil. In order to build city and factory, people destroy huge forests. In China, some residents who live in nearby some toxic factories became sick because these factories release a lot of toxic water and wasters into environment around people (them). Even though local residents benefits (have a enormous benefit) from an increasing number of jobs which are provided by those factories, they cannot feel happiness from high-paying job yet because most of them suffer from cancer or other diseases.
In conclusion, it is far better to protect our living environment rather than focus on job or work since the goal people is for good livers.