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Posts by blairann1996
Joined: Sep 21, 2013
Last Post: Sep 21, 2013
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From: United States of America

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blairann1996   
Sep 21, 2013
Undergraduate / UC prompt #2- Your world and how it defines your dreams and aspirations [2]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I was brought up in classic military brat fashion; moving around a lot, changing schools every few years and meeting lots of people until my parents divorced. During that strenuous period of my childhood I became attached to my first grade teacher Mrs. Sarwat. To my young eyes she was the most beautiful and interesting person in the world and I was her favorite student. She used to teach me words in Hindi and on the last day before I moved she gave me a scarf, an item I still keep to this day. At the time I had no idea it was a hijab and what that meant, but I knew that it was a symbol of her identity.

From that point on no matter where I was I collected cultural objects or a few new words from people I met. From my friends I've learned how to fake a Ghanian accent, appreciate the flavor of Caribbean curry, and how to properly wrap a sari. Even though my environment has been limited to a few states I feel like I've been able to traverse the world all while staying in my suburban bubble. The things I've learned and experienced have developed my passion for diversity and fed my desire to join the Peace Corps. In this paragon of my future that my mind has created I'd be living in some asian country using my degree and skills to help my community flourish and be better because of my contribution.

My life has been spent pushing me toward this goal. Through my school activities I've developed my leadership skills, learned how to successfully delegate, and by joining language clubs gained awareness of more cultures. My job as a swim instructor has allowed me to learn how to communicate when there is no shared language. That obstacle was hard and awkward at first but I realized that the body can truly be a universal language, a skill that will be extremely useful when I live in a foreign country. The desire to travel is to fill in the gaps that suburban high school left. I despise being ignorant and the only real way to learn is by doing. My commitment to go out into the world is not the easiest path to take but I intend on doing what I love in the future. Even if it means that I'm living in a hut in rural Cambodia or a high-rise in Tokyo I know I'll find my place in the global community.

Any comments will help. I would be extremely grateful for any input, no critique is too harsh if it helps my essay.
blairann1996   
Sep 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Essay Title: Something Different That Day [3]

You used some strange word choices "quarter minutes" the quarter word seems unnecessary

i would change the verb "I sat on the same seat..." to something more descriptive like "I flopped down onto the same seat that had been mine for years next to my best friend."

I would suggest starting a new sentence there as well bc the punctuation with "well" is odd

your sentence about "It was the same bus I got onto everyday" is redundant

give your bus friend a name to make it seem more personal

You misused the word "nevertheless" you would only use that word if you did get off normally not if something different happened

"I tried to free myself (but) they placed a weapon on my neck

No one on the bus moved (but) from the back, my friend (told) me to calm down and obey them(,) (so) I did. ---- some suggested replacements

(and) dusk beg(a)n to appear

try to read over the essay again yourself because a lot of the verb tenses don't match messing with the chronology of the story line
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