fz_wikiN
Nov 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Hiking a memorable experience; academic writing skills course [3]
I have written the essay in my first semester in academic writing skills course. I want you to please comment on its various aspects regarding idea, structure, syntax etc. Thanks
It has been said by "Vince Lombardi" that "the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of knowledge but rather a lack of will". Keeping this quote in mind, one can explore new things only by strong determination and in order to succeed; one's desire of success must be greater than one's fear of failure. It requires the strength of will to succeed in life's goals. Hiking steeply dangerous mountains is joyful and dangerous at the same time, as it is an adventure in which one experiences extreme physical and emotional conditions but it also enables one to improve his endurance, cooperate with a team, and appreciate the beauty of life in his proximity with death.
Mostly the peak highest points of mountains are very dangerous to climb on. But the joy one feels to reach the top cannot be valued. It feels like the victory of a battle field. Though I remember the moment when I got reach to the peak of my own village's hill, where only the enthusiastic people dare to reach and enjoy varieties of seen, as it locates in the centre of Swat valley. But to attain such a joy, one has to cope with the dangerous situations; as such places have no smooth steps to follow but the rough and uneven lanes which could lead to injury and even a chance of death. However the zeal of joy and exploration ignore such a danger.
Besides the joy, one can experiences extreme physical and emotional conditions, which make the physical and mental skills developed. First, the labour of hiking adds to the physical development. It makes the body strong and healthy by subjecting it to harsh moments. Second, it introduce the subject to the practice of emotions; it enhances the tolerance through which one can bear cold situation and make the unpleasant conditions cooperative by strong determination, which is one of the ways to develop a determinant man. Through strong determination, one could cope with such an unbalanced environment which develops in result of facing such dangerous acts. By showing such tolerance and determination, one's teammates can learn lesson of tolerance for future plans.
Also, the fearful endurance makes one assists the improvement of internal zeal for long time, which develops the persistence in a task. I experienced the prolonged journey of climbing, which really required a persistence nature, which I lacked at that time. But slowly the endurance of long time period made me to feel the need of persistence nature. And as such it can make one subject to tolerating the uneven situation in a permanent manner.
In such a prolonged journey, one can get an opportunity to cooperate the teammates, in critical events of the trip. Because of this opportunity of cooperation can repeat itself at every single step in such a dangerous hiking through mountains. My brother-in-law, one of my teammates, faced this situation for so many times in our trip to the highest mountain in Swat valley. And I was extremely happy to help him in that critical condition. Once, he got angry and wanted to return back because he did not want himself subject to death in premature condition. But my cooperative wording made him strong to continue the trip. Also, through the trip, my father got loose his heart but seeing my enthusiasm he got charged and continued with us. So, I can say that one could also learn the cooperative manner for humanity in such an adventure.
However, through such an adventure one can appreciate the beauty of nature and life in his proximity with death. First, to explore the nature and by discovering different kinds of creatures, animals, birds and strange stone and rocks, one could realise the greatness of God to see varieties created by Allah Almighty. Second, the appreciation can only be enjoyed at the immediacy of death. As during hiking the most difficult moment, I think, is crossing the top and starting to crawl downhill. Because it is the least visited place and one must have to find safe way to escape danger. For instances, my brother-in-law regretted for the hiking at that moment and was of the view that he will never company we people again in life. I felt he was dazzling while looking down, but just after that hard moment, he appreciated the new environment. Also, the same thing happened to one of my friends at our very first trip to that place, who even loose his consciousness while looking down but just after a moment he praised the beauty and charming new environment. These examples show that at the juxtaposition of death, one can enjoy the secrets and unexplored beauty of life. As to play with death can give you opportunities which require strong will.
Although climbing the dangerous mountains is an adventure, but it makes developed the body, tolerance and sense of humanity. Also, it realises one the value of life.
I have written the essay in my first semester in academic writing skills course. I want you to please comment on its various aspects regarding idea, structure, syntax etc. Thanks
It has been said by "Vince Lombardi" that "the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of knowledge but rather a lack of will". Keeping this quote in mind, one can explore new things only by strong determination and in order to succeed; one's desire of success must be greater than one's fear of failure. It requires the strength of will to succeed in life's goals. Hiking steeply dangerous mountains is joyful and dangerous at the same time, as it is an adventure in which one experiences extreme physical and emotional conditions but it also enables one to improve his endurance, cooperate with a team, and appreciate the beauty of life in his proximity with death.
Mostly the peak highest points of mountains are very dangerous to climb on. But the joy one feels to reach the top cannot be valued. It feels like the victory of a battle field. Though I remember the moment when I got reach to the peak of my own village's hill, where only the enthusiastic people dare to reach and enjoy varieties of seen, as it locates in the centre of Swat valley. But to attain such a joy, one has to cope with the dangerous situations; as such places have no smooth steps to follow but the rough and uneven lanes which could lead to injury and even a chance of death. However the zeal of joy and exploration ignore such a danger.
Besides the joy, one can experiences extreme physical and emotional conditions, which make the physical and mental skills developed. First, the labour of hiking adds to the physical development. It makes the body strong and healthy by subjecting it to harsh moments. Second, it introduce the subject to the practice of emotions; it enhances the tolerance through which one can bear cold situation and make the unpleasant conditions cooperative by strong determination, which is one of the ways to develop a determinant man. Through strong determination, one could cope with such an unbalanced environment which develops in result of facing such dangerous acts. By showing such tolerance and determination, one's teammates can learn lesson of tolerance for future plans.
Also, the fearful endurance makes one assists the improvement of internal zeal for long time, which develops the persistence in a task. I experienced the prolonged journey of climbing, which really required a persistence nature, which I lacked at that time. But slowly the endurance of long time period made me to feel the need of persistence nature. And as such it can make one subject to tolerating the uneven situation in a permanent manner.
In such a prolonged journey, one can get an opportunity to cooperate the teammates, in critical events of the trip. Because of this opportunity of cooperation can repeat itself at every single step in such a dangerous hiking through mountains. My brother-in-law, one of my teammates, faced this situation for so many times in our trip to the highest mountain in Swat valley. And I was extremely happy to help him in that critical condition. Once, he got angry and wanted to return back because he did not want himself subject to death in premature condition. But my cooperative wording made him strong to continue the trip. Also, through the trip, my father got loose his heart but seeing my enthusiasm he got charged and continued with us. So, I can say that one could also learn the cooperative manner for humanity in such an adventure.
However, through such an adventure one can appreciate the beauty of nature and life in his proximity with death. First, to explore the nature and by discovering different kinds of creatures, animals, birds and strange stone and rocks, one could realise the greatness of God to see varieties created by Allah Almighty. Second, the appreciation can only be enjoyed at the immediacy of death. As during hiking the most difficult moment, I think, is crossing the top and starting to crawl downhill. Because it is the least visited place and one must have to find safe way to escape danger. For instances, my brother-in-law regretted for the hiking at that moment and was of the view that he will never company we people again in life. I felt he was dazzling while looking down, but just after that hard moment, he appreciated the new environment. Also, the same thing happened to one of my friends at our very first trip to that place, who even loose his consciousness while looking down but just after a moment he praised the beauty and charming new environment. These examples show that at the juxtaposition of death, one can enjoy the secrets and unexplored beauty of life. As to play with death can give you opportunities which require strong will.
Although climbing the dangerous mountains is an adventure, but it makes developed the body, tolerance and sense of humanity. Also, it realises one the value of life.