SengeDolma
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "I want a vanilla dipped waffle-cone with extra rainbow sprinkles"; GMU Essay [5]
This, as a narrative, is really well written! Your closing paragraph has a change in tone that makes it evident that you have dropped out of your original format; I like how clear that is.
A couple of notes: especially in the first few paragraphs, you use a huge number of adverbs ("graciously" "gradually" "anxiously" "fairly") my advice would be to use the find tool (usually ctrl or cmd + f in most writing softwares) and search for all the instances of "ly." You certainly don't have to remove them all, but I recommend reworking a few of the sentences to describe the situation without the use of "ly" adverbs. However, I do like the tone I get for you as an employee so--especially in the instance of "graciously"--try to maintain some description of your demeanor.
A nitpicky complaint of mine has to do with repetition in the first few paragraphs. Once you've introduced the young girl, you don't need to re-state her identity when she speaks for the first time. I think it would flow more smoothly as "...sprinkles, please!' she exclaimed."
As far as content, it would help me to understand that Jake isn't your superior when you first introduce him. His concern makes it sound as though he is your senior, if not your boss (the word "co-worker" isn't punchy enough. Maybe he is your /new/ co-worker?) Furthermore, some description of the time of day or setting early on in the essay would be helpful--finding out that it was nighttime midway through the essay sort of threw me off.
"We had ran" should be "we had run" because it's in the pluperfect tense.
When I got into your comma usage in "The next day when the manager Chris heard about the incident, he yelled at Jake, ..." I found myself stuck between a comma splice and an em-dash. I think it would be most succinct if you were to remove "The next day..." altogether and begin with "When the manager..."
"I worked extra tedious hours" this set of adjectives confused me a bit: were the hours extra-tedious, or did you work extra hours that happened to be tedious? However, I do love this section! It presents a good example of your leadership.
Finally, I am not totally certain that this essay answers what you could provide to the community--certainly it confirms that you can face your own struggles, but I recommend emphasizing that you feel capable of helping other students at Mason as well. That last summary paragraph is a perfect place to do that.
Overall this essay is solid :) the more nitpicky my comments are, the better the overall essay is! Good job and good luck.
This, as a narrative, is really well written! Your closing paragraph has a change in tone that makes it evident that you have dropped out of your original format; I like how clear that is.
A couple of notes: especially in the first few paragraphs, you use a huge number of adverbs ("graciously" "gradually" "anxiously" "fairly") my advice would be to use the find tool (usually ctrl or cmd + f in most writing softwares) and search for all the instances of "ly." You certainly don't have to remove them all, but I recommend reworking a few of the sentences to describe the situation without the use of "ly" adverbs. However, I do like the tone I get for you as an employee so--especially in the instance of "graciously"--try to maintain some description of your demeanor.
A nitpicky complaint of mine has to do with repetition in the first few paragraphs. Once you've introduced the young girl, you don't need to re-state her identity when she speaks for the first time. I think it would flow more smoothly as "...sprinkles, please!' she exclaimed."
As far as content, it would help me to understand that Jake isn't your superior when you first introduce him. His concern makes it sound as though he is your senior, if not your boss (the word "co-worker" isn't punchy enough. Maybe he is your /new/ co-worker?) Furthermore, some description of the time of day or setting early on in the essay would be helpful--finding out that it was nighttime midway through the essay sort of threw me off.
"We had ran" should be "we had run" because it's in the pluperfect tense.
When I got into your comma usage in "The next day when the manager Chris heard about the incident, he yelled at Jake, ..." I found myself stuck between a comma splice and an em-dash. I think it would be most succinct if you were to remove "The next day..." altogether and begin with "When the manager..."
"I worked extra tedious hours" this set of adjectives confused me a bit: were the hours extra-tedious, or did you work extra hours that happened to be tedious? However, I do love this section! It presents a good example of your leadership.
Finally, I am not totally certain that this essay answers what you could provide to the community--certainly it confirms that you can face your own struggles, but I recommend emphasizing that you feel capable of helping other students at Mason as well. That last summary paragraph is a perfect place to do that.
Overall this essay is solid :) the more nitpicky my comments are, the better the overall essay is! Good job and good luck.