Posts by theshdw

theshdw

Jan 2, 2014

Undergraduate / American Muslim - Rutgers Diversity [6]

Hey, thanks for taking the time to click on my thread. I know it's past the deadline but I'd really like to attend Rutgers and I feel like my essay needs a lot of work but I don't know where to start! Please feel free to tell me what I should do to improve it. I feel like I need to add more detail and descriptive words but just cant fit it. Thank you!

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Growing up as an American Muslim has been one of the most challenging yet fulfilling achievements in life. Being born and raised in a Muslim family, I realized the strong parallels that both Islam and American cultures possess. Having been exposed to both ways of life throughout my life, I feel that I'm capable of adapting and contributing to the environment that Rutgers University possesses.

Throughout my middle and high school years, I successfully managed to embrace my Islamic background. I learned to accept the basic morals and ethics my religion teaches, and continue to strive in becoming an active member of the Muslim community and to better myself as a practicing Muslim. In an attempt to further develop my understanding of Islam, I decided to actively attend of the Islamic Center of Morris County. Through ICMC, I was able to participate in various community service events such as clothing drives and food drives and became a Youth volunteer director after years of hard work. After attending these events, I realized how important it is an American Muslim to help out those in need, no matter who they are or where they're from. After realizing how difficult at times it is for a Muslim to embed themselves in American culture, I decided to attend various interfaith gatherings. Through these gatherings, I was able to meet Christians and Jews around my age who were also struggling to find that bridge to cross in terms of finding that connection between what we believe in and what society dictates.

I believe that Rutgers University will give me the opportunity to succeed in my endeavors. I have always wanted to be a responsible and contributing member of society, and to successfully be able to assimilate myself with different cultures and religious backgrounds.

theshdw

Jan 2, 2014

Undergraduate / American Muslim - Rutgers Diversity [6]

ramzee05
Thank you so much for taking the time to look over my essay and thanks for the revisions! I'll be sure to correct it. I plan on writing a much more detailed conclusion, just wanted to make sure that I have the body down.

theshdw

Jan 3, 2014

Undergraduate / American Muslim - Rutgers Diversity [6]

So I managed to revise according to your feedback and expanded on my conclusion, but would love to have others look at it as well.

theshdw

Jan 3, 2014

Undergraduate / Tell us about a time you took a risk, failed, and were able to pick up the pieces. [2]

Congrats on being President! I personally liked your essay a lot and how you managed to setup the reader for what was to come. But I find this passage to be distracting and doesn't really add much to your essay. I think Bell's quote is sufficient in regards to what your story is about.

Telephones are one of the greatest inventions in the history of human kind. This seemingly unrealistic invention at the time, proved to be one of the greatest success stories ever. The telephone has allowed us to communicate with people from around the world in a matter of seconds without leaving the comfort of our house. But this invention did not come easy and without numerous setbacks that would drive many people to giving up.

I just found some grammatical errors and found ways to make your sentences more clear cut and to the point that I recommend you fix.

I thinking what contributed to Bell's success the most was the ability to look at the cup half full, not half empty.

I believe that Bell's success has to do with his too look at the cup half full, not half empty.

At the end of my junior year I was auditioning to become a Drum Major of Marching Band for the following year.

At the end of my junior year, I was auditioning to become Drum Major for the following year.

After putting in hours on hours of conducting practice, learning songs, and writing a great essay, I was disappointed to find out that I did not make it.

I put a lot of effort into achieving my goal of becoming a drum major by conducting practice, learning songs, and writing a stellar essay. Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find out that I did not make it.

For a while I was devastated about the fact that I wouldn't be able to be the leader of the band. But as time went on, I began to look at the glass half full.

For a while, I was devastated after realizing that I would not be able to be the leader of the land. As time went on, I began to look at my failure in a more positive light.

I learned that we were having Tri-M President elections soon and I knew that this time around the decision did not depend on anyone but me and how the entire music department viewed me: a great friend and a responsible person.

I learned that we were having Tri-M Presidential elections soon and I knew that it was up to me and that I would be capable of making a decision. The entire music department viewed me as a great friend and a responsible person. Fortunately, my hard work and effort paid off and I was elected as Tri-M President.

Looking back, like Bell said, if I focused too much on the door that was closed and let it upset me and made me give up, I would not have been able to get this awesome opportunity.

In retrospect, if I had focused too much on failure to become drum major and spend to much time dreading that "closed door," I would not have been able to take advantage of such an awesome opportunity.

At first I learned that not always do I have to be a leader, but I can also be a follower or just a member, and that I do not need to win to prove to myself and others of my capabilities.

I realized that being a leader is a very difficult position to attain and that there are other ways to prove myself and others of my potential.

Furthermore, it taught me that the closed door was just a distraction and that because of it I might have missed the opening of a new door.

Furthermore, it taught me that the closed door was just a distraction that could have prevented me from realizing the opening of a new door.

In the end I learned and took away more from this failure than I would have if I succeeded at first.

I learned and took away more from this failure than I would have if I succeeded at first.

Hope I could help! Let me know what you think of my revisions. Cheers!