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American Muslim - Rutgers Diversity


theshdw 1 / 3  
Jan 2, 2014   #1
Hey, thanks for taking the time to click on my thread. I know it's past the deadline but I'd really like to attend Rutgers and I feel like my essay needs a lot of work but I don't know where to start! Please feel free to tell me what I should do to improve it. I feel like I need to add more detail and descriptive words but just cant fit it. Thank you!

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Growing up as an American Muslim has been one of the most challenging yet fulfilling achievements in life. Being born and raised in a Muslim family, I realized the strong parallels that both Islam and American cultures possess. Having been exposed to both ways of life throughout my life, I feel that I'm capable of adapting and contributing to the environment that Rutgers University possesses.

Throughout my middle and high school years, I successfully managed to embrace my Islamic background. I learned to accept the basic morals and ethics my religion teaches, and continue to strive in becoming an active member of the Muslim community and to better myself as a practicing Muslim. In an attempt to further develop my understanding of Islam, I decided to actively attend of the Islamic Center of Morris County. Through ICMC, I was able to participate in various community service events such as clothing drives and food drives and became a Youth volunteer director after years of hard work. After attending these events, I realized how important it is an American Muslim to help out those in need, no matter who they are or where they're from. After realizing how difficult at times it is for a Muslim to embed themselves in American culture, I decided to attend various interfaith gatherings. Through these gatherings, I was able to meet Christians and Jews around my age who were also struggling to find that bridge to cross in terms of finding that connection between what we believe in and what society dictates.

I believe that Rutgers University will give me the opportunity to succeed in my endeavors. I have always wanted to be a responsible and contributing member of society, and to successfully be able to assimilate myself with different cultures and religious backgrounds.
ramzee05 1 / 3 2  
Jan 2, 2014   #2
Hey,

Overall, it's a good essay that answers the question pretty well. Just a few ways to make it sound better:

Growing up as an American Muslim has been one of the most challenging yet fulfilling achievements in life.

Should be: Growing up as an American Muslim has been one of the most challenging yet fulfilling achievements in my life.

Being born and raised in a Muslim family, I realized the strong parallels that both Islam and American cultures possess.

Should be: Being born and raised in a Muslim family, I have come to realize that there are strong parallels between Islamic and American culture.

Having been exposed to both ways of life throughout my life, I feel that I'm capable of adapting and contributing to the environment that Rutgers University possesses.

Should be: Having been exposed to both ways of life, I feel that I am capable of adapting and contributing to the diverse community that Rutgers possesses. (the word 'life' is used twice, making it redundant)

I learned to accept the basic morals and ethics my religion teaches, and continue to strive in becoming an active member of the Muslim community and to better myself as a practicing Muslim.

Should be: I learned to accept the basic morals and ethics of my religion, and continue to strive not only to better myself as a practicing Muslim, but to be an active member of the Muslim community in my area.

After attending these events, I realized how important it is an American Muslim to help out those in need, no matter who they are or where they're from.

Should be: By participating in these acts of charity, I have come to understand the importance of helping those in need, no matter who they are or where they are from.

Through these gatherings, I was able to meet Christians and Jews around my age who were also struggling to find that bridge to cross in terms of finding that connection between what we believe in and what society dictates.

Should be: Through these gatherings, I was able to meet Christians and Jews of my age who also struggle to find a bridge to cross in terms of finding the connection between what one believes and what society dictates.

Also,I believe you should expand on the conclusion a lot more. Other than that, great essay.
OP theshdw 1 / 3  
Jan 2, 2014   #3
ramzee05
Thank you so much for taking the time to look over my essay and thanks for the revisions! I'll be sure to correct it. I plan on writing a much more detailed conclusion, just wanted to make sure that I have the body down.
ramzee05 1 / 3 2  
Jan 2, 2014   #4
No problem at all, good luck
OP theshdw 1 / 3  
Jan 3, 2014   #5
So I managed to revise according to your feedback and expanded on my conclusion, but would love to have others look at it as well.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 7, 2014   #6
I decided to actively attend of the Islamic Center of Morris County.

After attending these events, I realized how important it is an American Muslim to help out those in need...

Ok, what did you learn from this experience? What were the insights those events provided you with?

Overall, it's a good essay that answers the question pretty well. Just a few ways to make it sound better:

Agree with ramzee... Overall, it is a good response, but you have potential to polish if further.
Wish you good luck with your application!


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