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Mar 28, 2014
Undergraduate / UC Davis Appeal Statement; Wild Campus and The Afterglows [6]
I recently got rejected from UC Davis and have decided to appeal. Please criticize my writing in any way that will make it better and stronger. I am open to all suggestions. Just a note, after the dashed lines, I have 3 paragraphs. I wrote 3 variations of the concluding paragraph but I am still unsure of which is stronger. If you could tell me which of the three concluding paragraphs would make for a stronger statement, I would greatly appreciate it.
Dear UC Davis Appeals Committee,
Unreflected in my application, this past year I have been heavily devoted to my school's robotics team. Brought up during the summer of 2013, the Iron Panthers is one of the newest student run organizations on campus. When I first heard of the possibility of a robotics team, I joined despite my lack of programming and engineering knowledge. I decided to devote my efforts towards the business and publicity sections of the robotics team where I would apply for awards, raise funds, and organize outreach events. Even though my main priorities were within the business and publicity section, I helped out the other members of the team wherever I could, whether that included building a practice field for the robot or writing letters for various sponsors and grants. As a member of the business and publicity section of the team, my main responsibility is writing and publishing the team's newsletter, one of the most important tools in publicizing the team and its robot.
Despite our lack of experience, we made great strides in our work. We were able to raise over $15,000 to fund competitions and purchase materials. Throughout the fall semester, we worked on our first robot for the FTC competition and made it to the semifinals, a significant accomplishment for the first competition. When the FRC season came, the entire team toiled endlessly for weeks to prepare for the competition, coincidentally held at UC Davis.
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I have always dreamed of attending UC Davis. I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience with its viticulture and enology program, a program I believe that I will strongly benefit from with its internship opportunities and prime location in the Napa Valley region. It is not only the extensive branch of science programs that appeal to me, but the campus life as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.
I have always dreamed of attending UC Davis because of its viticulture and enology program. I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience that is not offered at any other UC campus. It is not only the extensive branch of science programs that appeal to me, but the campus life as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.
For the majority of my high school career, I have looked towards UC Davis as my first choice college. It was not just the extensive science programs that appealed to me, but the campus life and feel that reached out to me as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Because three of my cousins are Davis alumni, I have had the opportunity to visit the campus many times. Each time I visited the campus, my desire to be a contributing part of the culture grew exponentially. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.
I recently got rejected from UC Davis and have decided to appeal. Please criticize my writing in any way that will make it better and stronger. I am open to all suggestions. Just a note, after the dashed lines, I have 3 paragraphs. I wrote 3 variations of the concluding paragraph but I am still unsure of which is stronger. If you could tell me which of the three concluding paragraphs would make for a stronger statement, I would greatly appreciate it.
Dear UC Davis Appeals Committee,
Unreflected in my application, this past year I have been heavily devoted to my school's robotics team. Brought up during the summer of 2013, the Iron Panthers is one of the newest student run organizations on campus. When I first heard of the possibility of a robotics team, I joined despite my lack of programming and engineering knowledge. I decided to devote my efforts towards the business and publicity sections of the robotics team where I would apply for awards, raise funds, and organize outreach events. Even though my main priorities were within the business and publicity section, I helped out the other members of the team wherever I could, whether that included building a practice field for the robot or writing letters for various sponsors and grants. As a member of the business and publicity section of the team, my main responsibility is writing and publishing the team's newsletter, one of the most important tools in publicizing the team and its robot.
Despite our lack of experience, we made great strides in our work. We were able to raise over $15,000 to fund competitions and purchase materials. Throughout the fall semester, we worked on our first robot for the FTC competition and made it to the semifinals, a significant accomplishment for the first competition. When the FRC season came, the entire team toiled endlessly for weeks to prepare for the competition, coincidentally held at UC Davis.
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I have always dreamed of attending UC Davis. I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience with its viticulture and enology program, a program I believe that I will strongly benefit from with its internship opportunities and prime location in the Napa Valley region. It is not only the extensive branch of science programs that appeal to me, but the campus life as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.
I have always dreamed of attending UC Davis because of its viticulture and enology program. I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience that is not offered at any other UC campus. It is not only the extensive branch of science programs that appeal to me, but the campus life as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.
For the majority of my high school career, I have looked towards UC Davis as my first choice college. It was not just the extensive science programs that appealed to me, but the campus life and feel that reached out to me as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Because three of my cousins are Davis alumni, I have had the opportunity to visit the campus many times. Each time I visited the campus, my desire to be a contributing part of the culture grew exponentially. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.