Unanswered [29] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6


UC Davis Appeal Statement; Wild Campus and The Afterglows


apple1123123 1 / 1  
Mar 28, 2014   #1
I recently got rejected from UC Davis and have decided to appeal. Please criticize my writing in any way that will make it better and stronger. I am open to all suggestions. Just a note, after the dashed lines, I have 3 paragraphs. I wrote 3 variations of the concluding paragraph but I am still unsure of which is stronger. If you could tell me which of the three concluding paragraphs would make for a stronger statement, I would greatly appreciate it.

Dear UC Davis Appeals Committee,

Unreflected in my application, this past year I have been heavily devoted to my school's robotics team. Brought up during the summer of 2013, the Iron Panthers is one of the newest student run organizations on campus. When I first heard of the possibility of a robotics team, I joined despite my lack of programming and engineering knowledge. I decided to devote my efforts towards the business and publicity sections of the robotics team where I would apply for awards, raise funds, and organize outreach events. Even though my main priorities were within the business and publicity section, I helped out the other members of the team wherever I could, whether that included building a practice field for the robot or writing letters for various sponsors and grants. As a member of the business and publicity section of the team, my main responsibility is writing and publishing the team's newsletter, one of the most important tools in publicizing the team and its robot.

Despite our lack of experience, we made great strides in our work. We were able to raise over $15,000 to fund competitions and purchase materials. Throughout the fall semester, we worked on our first robot for the FTC competition and made it to the semifinals, a significant accomplishment for the first competition. When the FRC season came, the entire team toiled endlessly for weeks to prepare for the competition, coincidentally held at UC Davis.

-----------------------------------------------

I have always dreamed of attending UC Davis. I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience with its viticulture and enology program, a program I believe that I will strongly benefit from with its internship opportunities and prime location in the Napa Valley region. It is not only the extensive branch of science programs that appeal to me, but the campus life as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.

I have always dreamed of attending UC Davis because of its viticulture and enology program. I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience that is not offered at any other UC campus. It is not only the extensive branch of science programs that appeal to me, but the campus life as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.

For the majority of my high school career, I have looked towards UC Davis as my first choice college. It was not just the extensive science programs that appealed to me, but the campus life and feel that reached out to me as well. Student organizations such as Wild Campus and The Afterglows stand out to me because they show me that the challenging academics are rightfully supplemented with activities and organizations fit for everyone. Because three of my cousins are Davis alumni, I have had the opportunity to visit the campus many times. Each time I visited the campus, my desire to be a contributing part of the culture grew exponentially. Thank you for taking your time to read my statement and I hope you will reconsider my admission.
timmy0110 3 / 3  
Mar 28, 2014   #2
With all due respect, why is going to UC Davis such a big deal for you? There are SO many great schools in the country. Didn't mean to sound like a jerk, but I'm just confused as to why you would even want to write such a paper. If you believe UC Davis is the place for you, then go somewhere else for a year, get great grades then apply for transfer.
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Mar 28, 2014   #3
Hello,

This essay is still not strong enough. Nothing you say here is really relevant to why UC Davis, except...."Because three of my cousins are Davis alumni." Are these three of your first cousins? Would they be willing to write a letter to the admissions office on your behalf? This would more than likely be your best shot at admissions at this point. You also need to work on your appeal letter and connect more aspects of the UC Davis experience with actual aspects of the college experience that matter to you. -Admissions Advice Online
OP apple1123123 1 / 1  
Mar 31, 2014   #4
The fact that they are my cousins isn't really a point that I was trying to make. I was just trying to reinforce the notion that I have had a lot of time to consider UC Davis, and after all that time, I still want to be part of the campus.
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Apr 1, 2014   #5
The fact that they are your cousins is the point I was trying to make because it is a "distant" form of legacy which pulls a lot of weight in college admissions.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 22, 2014   #6
I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience( What do you mean by the uniqueness? This leaves a vague situation) that is not offered at any other UC campus(I didn't see you discuss more closely this issue. If you do comparison/ contrast, this means that you emphasize the similarities and the differences in this sentence.)

Note: You write good, but some points are weak. You'd better explain more about the real example of college experience regarding your study time.


Home / Undergraduate / UC Davis Appeal Statement; Wild Campus and The Afterglows
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳