Writing Feedback / IELTS; mobile phone impacts on people's lives [6]

Please help me fix my mistake and make my essay more academic . Thanks a lot ( Just intro of my essay)

Throughout recent history, there is no doubt that the mobile phone has made a huge impact on people's lives. Mobile phones have proved themselves to be one of the greatest contribution to mankind and have gradually become an integral part of human beings' lives. However, with the tremendous widespread of using mobile phones, the scientists worried about the issue of health implications for people and the problems of mobile phone has, therefore, received considerable critical attention throughout the population. Recently the issue of whether mobile phone is a serious health risk has been widely debated in communities, nevertheless most people do not perceive many negative effects that the excessive usage of cell phones might bring to humankinds. Based on evidence of various research, this essay will argue that mobile phones pose a serious risk to humans, especially youths. The focus is particularly on the three most common: brain tumour, other health diseases relating to psychophysiology and several sensible precautions for reducing radiation exposure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; mobile phones and precautions [7]

When I read this part again , I felt so confused... but I don't know how to fix it. Please help me. Thanks

While many studies have shown the adverse effects of cell phone usage, there are also many studies refuting the impacts of mobile phones on human health. This creates uncertainty and citizens still do not lessen cell phones use. Although, research is preliminary, human beings should be wary and take some precautions. First of all, the usage of the cell phone in only the most necessary calls, as explained earlier, by allaying the time of using cell phones and calling, users can minimize the adverse impacts on the brain in daily life. To avoid sleep disturbances, mobile phones should not kept beside the bed at night when switched on or they should be turned off after 9 p.m. Another safety measure is that considering whether a child can be allowed to use mobile phones. One suggested that children under the age of 16 should only use mobile phones for essential calls, because at this point in their lives the head and body are in the most sensitive period of development. Moreover, at present, low-radiation phones are designed to assist users that has a low specific absorption rate (SAR) (Health Protection Agency, 2010). So far, cell phone technology has undergone some modifications to be more convenient and protective. Therefore, scientists suggest that a lower-emission phone should replace a current model phone to minimize the impacts of RF radiation on body.