Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

Thank you so much for your input! It's great advice that I think has enabled me to focus my thoughts a bit better. How is this for an opening paragraph now?

"Why do you come to Egypt?" That was the question my taxi driver Mohamed asked as we sped down the highway and through the night. I was leaving Israel after eight months and moving to Egypt to gain some insight and experience into another side of the Israeli/Arab conflict. The border left behind the now familiar Star of David and introduced me to a new, poorer world with it's crescent moon of Islam. At nineteen years old it was scary, but I knew that the best way to find my answers was to go out into the world and ask my questions. Through my time in Egypt I found answers to most of my questions but the most elusive one remained; how can these people, Israeli and Arab, find peace and finally live their dreams without the spectre of death hanging over them? After I left Egypt I spent more time traveling through much of west Africa pondering the answers to life. Finding near chaos, brainwashed people and cruel governments it became clear that Africa was not the place one went to find clarity. To find the answers to my questions and to better myself I now seek admission to the program of political science at U

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

Instructions:
Write a letter of academic intent.

EF_Simone, thank you very much for the advice you gave me earlier. I've done my best to sell myself in my letter of intent and would very much appreciate your further input on this more complete draft (and the input of any others kind enough to give it)

I really like the first paragraph and feel that it is a true representation of what happened in my life and what led me to pursue a degree.

The second leaves me with kind of a weird feeling just because it seems to insular and lacks some personalisation(?). I'm not too sure what I can do to fix it.

For the third I do have some academic shortcomings that have forced me to apply as a mature student, but I think that saying my shortcomings were the products of a poor environment and my successes were unrealized potentional during that time sets me up well for future academic success.

Any comments are very appreciated.

**********
"Why do you come to Egypt?" That was the question my taxi driver Mohamed asked as we sped down the highway and through the night. I was leaving Israel after eight months and moving to Egypt to gain some insight and experience into another side of the Israeli/Arab conflict. The border left behind the now familiar Star of David and introduced me to a new, poorer world of the crescent moon of Islam. At nineteen years old, I felt scared, but I knew that the best way to find my answers was to go out into the world and ask my questions. Through my time in Egypt I found answers to most of my questions but the most elusive one remained; why cannot people who want the same things find peace? Upon leaving Egypt I returned to Canada for a summer before heading to western Africa. I went to do humanitarian work because I felt that the problems of the Middle East were ones that a young Canadian couldn't help solve, but bringing aid directly to those in need was something I could do. My efforts in Africa along with those of many devoted people resulted in our organisation raising nearly $200,000 for charity in 2007. Working and aiding people is something I wish to continue with and work at on a more far reaching level. Studying under those with more years of wisdom than myself is how I now wish to learn and enable myself to create positive change in the world. With this in mind I am humbly submitting my application to the University of British Columbia so I may pursue an undergraduate degree in political science.

UBC is a place I can make a long term commitment to because of the programs it offers. I am seeking an undergraduate degree in political science because it will "help [me] develop the analytical and communication skills that are so important to a successful career and an informed and rewarding life." I am particularily impressed with the co-op programs UBC offers and look forward to taking part in the undergraduate journalism co-op, which is a field I aspire to work in. With UBC publishing it's own student newspaper, The Ubyssey, and offering the first international reporting course in Canada I know I will be comfortable and confident in pursuing the dreams of academic excellence and of my future career at this institution. Being located in such a diverse city as Vancouver and having an equally diverse student body are added incentives to someone pursuing a degree with the hope of working internationally.

My academic past shows some low points which reflect a very difficult time in my life. Being passed off to three homes in two years and dealing with some very painful personal issues I let my academics slip to concentrate on my welfare. Despite this bad period in my life I was able to score high marks on some provincial examinations and in classes which are good examples of my academic potential. Now being in a place where I am sound in mind and body I know nothing can hold me back from excelling in academics and achieving the goals I put forth for myself.

I have spent nearly three years of my life searching for answers, sometimes being from questions brought forth by the Israeli-Palestinian, other wars, famine, hunger and humanity. Pushing myself to find answers from people who live through terrible things every day has taught me that if I can put my mind to something I can do so much. The drive that I have has led me into Gaza against the better my better judgement and that of those close to me, but I know that I need and can do whatever it takes to get the job done. The job I want to do right now is earn a university degree at the University of British Columbia.

Sincerely,
xxxx

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

Hi Simone and Sean,

Thank you very much for the constructive comments. This essay is meant to stand-alone and after making the corrections you've suggested I feel confident that it will present myself and my intentions wells.

I felt it important to touch on my past academic failings because I'm applying as a mature student. There is a reason for that! Wish my luck!

Thank you so much for the help.

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

Hi everyone,

I've made a few final edits to my essay and will be dropping it off at the university tomorrow morning. Any last minutes edits that you feel need to be made or comments would be extremely appreciated. Thank you.