Undergraduate / "Guys, strive for the best!" - The experience of Volleyball Team; Rice supplement [8]

Hi Nicole,
I think you should find a main point to talk about. A good essay has a topic sentence and some examples to illustrate it.The more specific you describe,the more impressive your essay is.

I also think you need to find some trasition words such as "moreover","in addition" to enhance the cohesion between each paragraph.

Overall, you are just talking about some facts,but you need to specify one or two in order to make your activities more vivid.
Hope these suggestions may help.Good luck :)