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"Guys, strive for the best!" - The experience of Volleyball Team; Rice supplement


nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 18, 2014   #1
Hi! The word limit for this essay is really annoying and I find that my essay is not effective enough for the elaboration of my extracurricular activity.

I look forward for your reply and I really appreciate for your help:)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)
"Guys, strive for the best!" Coach Xu smiled and patted our backs.
It was my forth year as a volleyball player in School's Volleyball Team.
As an individual, progressing from a bench player who rarely had chances to participate in the games to a chielf spiker who played a key role in the team,

For the whole team, all memebers united as a family. After exhausted study, we could revive by hearing a team member's encouragement or doing regular trainings for nearly three hours each day.

I had waited too long for today to fight for the ultimate champion in Shenzhen. Long before today's coming, I had learned the difference between passion and perseverance. Without Perseverance, passion is meaningless. I knew that once I stood on the court, I would take nothing into account but be responsible for the effort and sweat.

A voice echoed in my heart, "We are infinite." [..]
odon 12 / 27 2  
Oct 19, 2014   #2
Hi nicole.
It is ok.
1. I think you had better learn to arrange essay in paragraphs and use transition.
2. try to visit www1.aucegypt.edu/academic/writers/paragraphs.htm
3. GOOD LUCK
jessicayy - / 1  
Oct 19, 2014   #3
Hi Nicole,
I think you should find a main point to talk about. A good essay has a topic sentence and some examples to illustrate it.The more specific you describe,the more impressive your essay is.

I also think you need to find some trasition words such as "moreover","in addition" to enhance the cohesion between each paragraph.

Overall, you are just talking about some facts,but you need to specify one or two in order to make your activities more vivid.
Hope these suggestions may help.Good luck :)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 19, 2014   #4
Nicole, the problem with the statement is that it does not have a conclusion, I was able to whittle down the word count for you but I found that it did not have an ending because your experience does not tell us if the team won or lost the game. That information is needed to complete the prompt answer. This is what I have come up with so far:

I learned all about the difference between passion and perseverance while I was a member of my high school volleyball team. I had progressed through the ranks from a bench warmer, all the way to chief spiker. So I was quite excited when my team made it to championship during my senior year. I had long looked forward to facing the ultimate Shenzhen champion and proving that with passion and perseverance, any team can take on the unbeatable team. A voice echoed in my heart, "We are infinite."

It hangs at this point because I don't know how to end it. It is 88 words so you have room to play with the conclusion. It's all yours :-)
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 26, 2014   #5
Hi, Vangiespen. I re-open this essay now.
It is also a Rice supplement. This draft exceeds the word limit but I think it would better convey what I am trying to express.

I really appreciate for your help!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)

Speed, concentration and decisiveness. Volleyball is more than a sport: it's a lifestyle.

Sprinting on the court, I realize that speed is youth. It means unstoppable enthusiasm and passion of creating. What I fear most is not failure, but the lost of courage to dream and strive.

The situation in a volleyball game is constantly changing, but what I need to do is simple: focus, keep calm, and spike. I always tell myself: be decisive; each spike is an opportunity. Watching carefully works more than running crazily because a good spiker plays with brain, not muscle. Things are similar in life: making the right decision at an important moment can change a lot. If I cannot judge my situation and chance accurately, all my hard work will be fruitless.

Maybe I won't be a professional player, but I hope to work like a spiker in life. In this life-long game, the winner is not always the team which scores first, but the team which can adjust itself and keep fighting till the end. I hope that thirty years later, when I am too old to speed up on the court, I can still have the energy and passion of a young player, stay calm and efficient, and spike accurately.
nickyzhi 8 / 21 8  
Oct 26, 2014   #6
hi nicole,
To be honest, I don't really know what's your main point, that is, After watched your essay, I cannot remember any conclusion.

So good luck!
Kirby 1 / 3  
Oct 26, 2014   #7
Your essay is pretty good, but make sure your point is made very clear! I do however like how you ended your essay with that quote it is ver nice.
16chauc 2 / 4  
Oct 26, 2014   #8
very good ending. You kinda lost me in this sentence:
As an individual, progressing from a bench player who rarely had chances to participate in the games to a chielf spiker who played a key role in the team, For the whole team, all memebers united as a family.

Im not sure if it works as a clause. You need some clarification from the transition from bench to striker. How did that affect you?


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