Posts by piraka9011

piraka9011

Oct 26, 2014

Undergraduate / My ethnicity is Syrian. My dad is from Damascus - MIT Cultural Background Essay [2]

This is my first post, so if I do something 'wrong', let me know!
I need some help critiquing my essay.

Prompt: Please tell us more about your cultural background and identity in the space below (100 word limit).

My ethnicity is Syrian. My dad is from Damascus (the oldest city in the world) and my mom is from Aleppo, the largest city in Syria. I was born in Boston and raised in Cambridge when I was young. In 2000, we moved to Syria for 6 months and lived on my family's farm. Those 6 months redefined the way I look at Syria and family. The modest life of living off the land and the close-knit family relationship shed light on the importance of loving one's country and how a single person can always change the country's status quo.

(100 words)

piraka9011

Oct 26, 2014

Undergraduate / Random Order Reading - UVA Quirks [3]

In my opinion, you answered the essay question completely. The best thing is that you 'showed' and didn't just tell. The essay demonstrates your quirk quite well.

While reading, I had to go back a few times because I got somewhat confused between sentences. If possible, simply reformat the essay into a few 'paragraphs' and not just one block.

piraka9011

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / Home is Where Honduras is - some things are best when together - my goal and passion [5]

Hi AndrewT,

In my opinion, you should have a title. That's what I was also told by a professional editor.
Your first paragraph was well structured and presented your identity/culture, however the second para. could use some work:

"Years later, by letting time takes its course and taking advantage of the opportunities my school offered me, I found out what my passion was. I knew that I loved the idea of engineering. It was then that it hit me. I realized that I could accomplish my goal through my passion. "

Sounds awkward, especially when you immediately say that you realized what you could do. Try to fit it all together.
Nice ending!