Undergraduate / The Little Dash that Could UC Prompt #1 [2]

I really love the bus metaphor!
One advice I would give is that your hospital paragraph feels out of place. It is kinda thrown into the essay. Perhaps use a transition that ties your metaphor with your desire to help people?

Undergraduate / This is an essay with a lot of painful memories - Describe how the world shaped you. [4]

I edited the essay a little. Any one care to give thoughts

It was night. With a loud bang my bedroom door flung open. A naked man strolled by and began defecating in my bathroom. The intruder was my stepfather. Inundated by his job lost and underwater mortgages, my stepfather fell into bottomless misery after the financial crisis of 2008. Experiencing how my stepfather become a broken man and dealing with the consequences changed my life forever, I am motivated to control my destiny. I want to become a fearless person.

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Undergraduate / This is an essay with a lot of painful memories - Describe how the world shaped you. [4]

Revised my essay.

It was night. With a loud pound my bedroom door was flung open. The intruder swiftly moved into the bathroom attached to my bedroom and began taking his business without even closing the door. I closed my eyes even harder, fully knowing a naked man is deficating in my bathroom.

The intruder was my stepfather. Inundated by his job lost and underwater mortgages, my stepfather fell into bottomless misery after the financial crisis of 2008. My mother became the sole breadwinner in a desperate family, often working for two full time jobs.

Infuriated by my incompetence to help my mother and my stepfather's idleness, I began ignoring my stepfather. Reciprocally, he abreacted his frustration on me by making pernicious remark about me. As my stepfather's property goes foreclosure one by one, the his mind became further degenerated: my stepfather began roaming around the house with only briefs on. Coming home from school was miserable for me because I'm afraid of what my stepfather might do. My only safe haven in the house was behind the locked doors; however, he removed dismantled my bedroom door completely to shatter my false sense of security. My mother tried to argue with him, but her effort was fruitless.

Urinating on my towel was the last straw that for my mother to stop thanking my stepfather for bringing us to America. After leaving the house without any belongings, my mother and I decided go back to the house to retrieve our personal items. Fearing my stepfather's unstable mental state, we called the police to escort us. We waited for hours, but the police didn't come. As I watched the lights turning off from the house, it occurred to me that my stepfather will forever live within me if I continued to be a cowardice. I told my mother that I will go retrieve the items, she insisted to accompany me. Grasping all the mettle I have, I rung the doorbell.

All my fears withered away when I saw the reticent man standing before me. It felt almost silly to fear a man who could only vent his anger at his family. In my stepfather's silent acquiesce, we swiftly packed our belongings and left.

Looking back at the shrinking house behind me, I knew exactly who I wanted to be. I want to be a fearless individual who stands up for the what is right. I want to be someone who doesn't spend her life dwelling on the possibilities of misfortunes. I want to be the guardian of my loved ones protecting them from any harm.