Undergraduate / College to master the Japanese language - conclusion revision... [2]

Hello, I am here today to ask for assistance in regards to the conclusion of my paper. I wanted to add a reference in my conclusion for my career goal as a foreign service officer. Here is the the conclusion without the reference:

I have been looking for a college that can help me to master the Japanese language and gain a deeper understanding of the many cultures that lie within East Asia. I am confident that studying at the University of Illinois will allow me to acquire the knowledge that I need to accomplish my professional and academic goals and secure a bright future.

My attempt at adding to it...

... and academic goals and secure a bright future as a consular in the foreign service making a difference by touching people's lives in meaningful ways.

How can I improve upon this conclusion and is there a way to trim it down by one word :)?

Thank you for at least reading this far, and all help is greatly appreciated!

-Grant

Edit
I now think back only minutes ago that it might be helpful if I just post the whole essay :/ My biggest concern is still the conclusion, but maybe with a little more context the revision will be easier.

In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

"I am the hope of the universe. I am the answer to all living things that cry out for peace. I am the protector of the innocent. I am the light in the darkness. I am truth. Ally to good! Nightmare to you!" This was Goku's famous speech to his nemesis Frieza in the classic television show Dragon Ball Z, a show that brought me and countless other youths across America into the pop-culture world of Japanese anime. It was Japanese anime that fostered my passion for East Asian and Japanese culture, and I hope to pursue my passion at the University of Illinois. I have studied Japanese on my own as well as at the Community College of Vermont and in the Air Force. Additionally, my goals include signing up for the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) in December in Boston and spending next summer in Japan volunteering for World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF).

According to my research, the University of Illinois East Asian Languages and Cultures program provides innovative academics, a diverse community, and a professional environment, all of which will help me to achieve my academic and professional goals. The broad and in-depth learning experience that an East Asian Languages and Cultures major can provide will be imperative to my success as a foreign service officer.

I have been looking for a college that can help me to master the Japanese language and gain a deeper understanding of the many cultures that lie within East Asia. I am confident that studying at the University of Illinois will allow me to acquire the knowledge that I need to accomplish my professional and academic goals and secure a bright future as a consular in the foreign service making a difference by touching people's lives in meaningful ways.

Undergraduate / A 200 word limit essay on what I have done, am doing, and plan to do in regards to my degree choice. [2]

Hello Everyone!

What we have here today is one of two 200 word essays for my statement of intent to the University of Florida. I tried not to be redundant between the two essays and hope that I brought plenty of unique information about myself to convince admissions.

My concerns:
-This paper is 29 words over the limit and I am having trouble trimming it down.
-Is there enough info or am I too focused on only a couple things?
-Does the essay start too abruptly? Do I need to bridge the reader with the topic at hand?

I am going to include my other essay ONLY as a reference, so you guys can see what information has already been stated:

My other essay(Only to be used as reference):

Topic - The skills and knowledge I hope to acquire in my chosen degree are... And I plan to apply these when I graduate by...

Ever since I was enthralled by anime's style, pacing, and language, I have gone on to explore more about Japanese culture. Their language's clear syntax and history in particular caught my eye, specifically Hirohito's role in the making of modern Japan.

At UF I hope to build upon my passion for Japanese history and language by taking advantage of an internship at Morikami Museum and Garden. During my second year I would like to study abroad at Kansai Gaidai University utilizing my understanding of the culture and language to engage in meaningful cultural exchanges and develop relationships that last even after graduation.

Upon graduation I would like to pursue teaching English in Japan. I want the Japanese people to have an opportunity to learn from a native to better share my language and culture, and to promote communication in Japan. Despite taking six years of English, many Japanese people can't speak the language. I would address the problems I believe are most affecting this such as the lack of reinforcement of the material, lack of engagement in class, and convince my students the importance of learning a language like English in the world.

The essay I am in need of help with:

Topic (200 word limit): Please provide any other information about yourself that you feel will help this college make an admission decision. This may include work, research, volunteer activities or other experiences pertaining to the degree program.

At 18, I began my journey through the Japanese language naively. Like any other youth at my age, I turned to the internet where I found a mentor by the name of Koichi. He had a blog called Tofugu, which was where I found out how to study the language. I picked up numerous resources and have dedicated time to each of them daily. Such resources as Wanikani, an online mnemonic based kanji learning system; iknow.jp, another Japanese learning website dedicated to vocab; the Genki series, textbooks for my grammar; language shadowing, an audio based practice for listening comprehension and speaking; and lastly Lang-8, a website that allows language exchanges in the form of journal entries.

After some time with this study routine, I became complacent; knowing this, I sought out the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test). I registered in November for the December test located in Boston. This new challenge galvanized me into studying harder than ever before. I still await the results, but now that this obstacle has come and gone I am hungry for more. I found an opportunity that would raise the bar yet again. The WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity on Organic Farms) program. I plan to travel to Osaka, Japan this summer. I intend to continue pushing myself and hope to find more opportunities such as these at the University of Florida.

Undergraduate / 250-650 word transfer essay from the common app. Why am I transferring and what are my goals? [3]

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

Concerns:
A super early rough draft that I just cranked out before heading out to work. As far as concerns go, grammar is NOT one of them. I just don't want you guys to waste your time on that. Do I provide clear direction and reasoning within my paper? Anything I might want to add, takeout, or replace? Should I focus more on my reasons for transferring or my goals? I don't believe my reasons really go beyond what I've stated in the paper, but I'm sure I could list more if need be.

Thank you for any and all corrections/ advice.

I've decided to transfer to the University of Virginia for three main reasons. First, as an individual that just finished community college I'm looking to advance my education by completing a BA. Second, I find a deep desire within myself to get out of my comfort zone by exploring the world outside of Vermont. And third, financial support from the Air National Guard in Virginia would make this a fiscally viable move for me.

In addition to these three motives for my transfer, I also have in mind goals that I will pursue. Upon graduation I intend to seek employment as an English teacher in Japan through the JET program. I intend to use this time as an opportunity to strengthen my grasp on the language and culture. One issue that I want to tackle is the education system in Japan. I would like to improve upon English teaching in the country. Despite most students taking English lessons throughout school, many cannot speak the language. Through some personal research I've found some of the root causes being that many students don't utilize the necessary reinforcement for learning a language. In addition, many don't see a strong reason to learn the language. As an English teacher I would do my best to convince my students of its importance and to layout a program that encourages the student to constantly reinforce the material through engaging practice.

In line with my passion for East Asian culture, more specially Japanese, I intend to focus my efforts on expanding my current understanding of the cultures there and their relations to each other. I wish to further look into some of the tensions between certain countries such as Japan and China. I hope to use an understanding of the subtle nuances behind such issues to better tackle the problem itself. I see myself as a contributor to diffusing this problem and promoting healthy relations between the two in the future as a Foreign Service officer after completing my time as a teacher.