This is just my first draft, but I would like to begin the editing process. I have not yet had any family members or teachers read it yet. I would like to get your guys' feedback first. Thanks!
One page essay discussing the reasons why you are interested in attending a U.S. Service Academy
Tact, patience, justice, firmness, kindness, and charity. These are the qualifications of a military officer according to the service academies. I strive daily to better myself in all of these traits to one day be a U.S. Navy Officer. Understanding the many challenges that come with attending a service academy and the military, I have a desire to overcome them.
I am interested in attending a U.S. Service Academy because of the simple fact that I want to give back. I want to give back to the country that helped my family when immigrating from Romania. The United States has given my family and me countless opportunities since immigrating and has led to a more successful life. Protecting the country that gives so much would be an honor.
When comparing the U.S. Service Academies to a traditional university, the differences are numerous. I look forward to the mental, moral, and physical challenges that come with attending a service academy. However, I feel my experiences in the NJROTC, National Honors Society, and National Society of High School Scholars have prepared me thoroughly. For example, I understand that some nights I might not sleep or socialize with friends all due to the workload. I am willing to take these responsibilities to finish the assignment. This is only one of the different responsibilities that come with committing yourself to a service academy and the military lifestyle.
If I were given the opportunity, I would love to attend the United States Naval Academy. Being part of the NJROTC during my freshman year only sparked the love I have toward the traditions of the Navy. In the NJROTC, I attended a basic leadership training for three days. It might not have been the longest, but the Chiefs got the message across. They showed us what it takes to be part of the Navy. The daily activities might have been painful, but I pushed myself further than ever before and left the camp knowing I gave my all. Leaving after the three days made me realize that only after hard work and dedication will you start to see results. Most importantly, the interest in attending the Naval Academy had turned into a desire.
Overall, I would love to have the opportunity to attend a service academy and serve my country as an officer. My ultimate goal in life is to become a U.S. Navy SEAL. If I attended the Naval Academy, I know after hard work and devotion, I can make my goal become a reality and repay my country for all of the opportunities it has given to my family.
The United States has given my family and me countless opportunities since immigrating and has led to a more successful life
The United States has given my family and I countless opportunities since immigrating which has led to a more successful life
I would recommend making a new paragraph when comparing universities since you are changing topics. If you do this, I would also suggest that you add a transition between the two paragraphs. Something that hints at what is to come in the next PH.
It is good to know that you understand the hardships you will face at a service academy.
You might want to include something about what (Or why) exactly you like so much about Navy traditions
Also, nice way to end I think. I liked that you came back full circle with your appreciation for what the U.S. has done for you.
I respect your decision and wish you much success!
-Grant
"When comparing the U.S. Service Academies to a traditional university, the differences are numerous..."
I want to suggest one more thing to add. I believe your paper would benefit if you would highlight some of the contrasting differences between a service academy and a typical university. After stating the differences, you also might want to explain why you like one over the other. If you find that this would just make the paper a little too over-encumbering, then I wouldn't fret too much.
