honkytonkz
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]
Hello, This is my first draft kindly check if the essay is good enough for transfer admission, and if I followed the prompt. I think my essay is kinda generic and bland. Should I stick to it or rewrite a new essay? Did I put a lot of coma-splices?
Prompt:
Please include a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended college, and for wanting to attend the University of Connecticut. If you have not been an enrolled full-time student during the last academic year please also indicate how and where you have spent your time, for example, work or travel.
Essay:
A city inside a school, that was what my sister and I said when we visited University of Connecticut at Storrs. I went to the university on a campus tour together with my family, and we were awe by how big the campus is, everything you need is in there from food to clothes to ice cream. Yes, ice cream; I was surprise to find out that there was an ice cream shop within the campus. I told my sister as we wait for the ice cream we ordered that if I get into University of Connecticut that everyday will be an ice cream day, and she laughed. The last part of the tour we went to the cafeteria, and I drooled as I looked passed the different varieties of foods that I could eat in the campus. From pasta to hamburgers and from healthy foods like salads, just thinking about it makes my stomach hungry.
When you ask people about University of Connecticut, people will reply that this school is well-known for being a sports college. Being a sportsman myself, I played different kinds of sports like basketball, volleyball, tennis, table tennis, and so on. Of all sports that I play, basketball is my favorite. I remember in high school, everyday my friends and I would play chess during breaks and basketball after school. Basketball is like second nature to us, we could not end the day without playing a game of basketball. I chuckle to myself thinking that someday I will be part of this community, and get excited by just cheering and booing at the sideline.
Also, the reason that I am transferring from Housatonic Community College to University of Connecticut is to pursue a higher education and to get a degree on the major that I love. I have nothing but admirations to the professors that taught me at that college. Even with their busy schedule they accommodated my problems, and help me accomplished my courses with my head held high. In some ways they made me into a better person, but sadly it is time to move on.
My academic goal upon entering to this school is to immerse myself in the line of computer science, particularly in the artificial intelligence courses. Hoping to understand more on how computers interact and would able, in the future, on developing an interactive robot that will learn and act like a real human. It is still a long shot from what I am now, but going to your university is a step on accomplishing that goal.
After the campus tour my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun. We prayed that we would someday get accepted at this university. A year later, she got her prayers answered, and now I am waiting for mine.
Hello, This is my first draft kindly check if the essay is good enough for transfer admission, and if I followed the prompt. I think my essay is kinda generic and bland. Should I stick to it or rewrite a new essay? Did I put a lot of coma-splices?
Prompt:
Please include a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended college, and for wanting to attend the University of Connecticut. If you have not been an enrolled full-time student during the last academic year please also indicate how and where you have spent your time, for example, work or travel.
Essay:
A city inside a school, that was what my sister and I said when we visited University of Connecticut at Storrs. I went to the university on a campus tour together with my family, and we were awe by how big the campus is, everything you need is in there from food to clothes to ice cream. Yes, ice cream; I was surprise to find out that there was an ice cream shop within the campus. I told my sister as we wait for the ice cream we ordered that if I get into University of Connecticut that everyday will be an ice cream day, and she laughed. The last part of the tour we went to the cafeteria, and I drooled as I looked passed the different varieties of foods that I could eat in the campus. From pasta to hamburgers and from healthy foods like salads, just thinking about it makes my stomach hungry.
When you ask people about University of Connecticut, people will reply that this school is well-known for being a sports college. Being a sportsman myself, I played different kinds of sports like basketball, volleyball, tennis, table tennis, and so on. Of all sports that I play, basketball is my favorite. I remember in high school, everyday my friends and I would play chess during breaks and basketball after school. Basketball is like second nature to us, we could not end the day without playing a game of basketball. I chuckle to myself thinking that someday I will be part of this community, and get excited by just cheering and booing at the sideline.
Also, the reason that I am transferring from Housatonic Community College to University of Connecticut is to pursue a higher education and to get a degree on the major that I love. I have nothing but admirations to the professors that taught me at that college. Even with their busy schedule they accommodated my problems, and help me accomplished my courses with my head held high. In some ways they made me into a better person, but sadly it is time to move on.
My academic goal upon entering to this school is to immerse myself in the line of computer science, particularly in the artificial intelligence courses. Hoping to understand more on how computers interact and would able, in the future, on developing an interactive robot that will learn and act like a real human. It is still a long shot from what I am now, but going to your university is a step on accomplishing that goal.
After the campus tour my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun. We prayed that we would someday get accepted at this university. A year later, she got her prayers answered, and now I am waiting for mine.
