Posts by jshirley

jshirley

Aug 19, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

Are these accomplishments already mentioned somewhere else in your essay? If so maybe you sould try to talk more about how playing the violin affects you.

The fact that you started a non-profit is really noble--maybe you could elaborate more on that? It shows a sense of selflessness.

username621

Although the students are from different backgrounds, for a few hours a week, music brings them together- no matter the obstacles.

^The last sentence seems to only tie together what you said about the nonprofit. Maybe you should broaden it to include playing the violin in general. Good Luck! :)

jshirley

Aug 19, 2009

Undergraduate / "The human organism and its chemical processes" - Transfer Applicants, PROMPT #1 [9]

Furthermore, due to my enthusiasm for the subject, I always converse with my organic chemistry teacher who has a doctorate degree and discerns my sincere desire for learning more about biochemistry and thereby lends me his physical chemistry and biochemistry books for which the mathematics is highly complicated and are not requisites for my major.

^This seems like I really long sentence. By the time I got to the end I forgot what the point was. Break it up into multiple ones. Also when you talk about the math it seems kinda arrogant. I understand how it may be important to include this information but try to do so in a more impartial manner.

I also volunteer at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center and Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center, where I learn and provide quality patient care and thereby make a positive contribution to my community.

^Its understood that you volunteering is contributing to your community. You don't have to reiterate that fact.

Overall its good though. Good luck! :)

jshirley

Aug 19, 2009

Undergraduate / 'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery. [6]

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

As I awoke on August 11th, 2009, I was struck overwhelmingly by the state of confusion I was in. With the wearing off of the anesthesia I realized that I had successfully faced the most nerve-wracking experience in my life. Lying on the operating table, I felt the incision that would now scar me for the rest of my life and breathed a sigh of relief at the realization that the tumor was gone and I no longer had anything to worry about.

Being diagnosed with a breast tumor at the age of sixteen was the most daunting situation I have ever experienced. When I first noticed it, I merely dismissed it. After all, who gets cancer at sixteen? But when my doctor told me it would have to be removed as soon as possible, I was immediately filled with fear. I still do not know whether or not the tumor was malignant, but nevertheless the impact it has left on my life seems no different. I was not only affected physically by the surgery, but also mentally. I realized that the world does not stop for anyone and you must always persist in your endeavors no matter what situation you are faced with. While I lay on the operating table, many of my peers were out enjoying their summers and their lives in general. I did not want to become one of those people who wallowed in self pity. With the surgery for me came a new determination to succeed and to make the most of my life while I can. This event reaffirmed the fact that I need to strive for only the best in all facets of my life. This is why attending the University of Florida means so much to me at this point in my life.

UF signifies and represents to me the very epitome of a good university. I've been planning on pursuing a medical career for as long as I can remember and my surgery has only confirmed that for me. I feel that I have a greater urge to do well being affected so profoundly myself. I think that my dedication to helping others will help me on my journey to becoming a physician.

I do not come from a long line of Gators-on the contrary my mother was a Seminole-but I would like to establish my presence in this school. I know that the perseverance I learned throughout my entire surgery ordeal will help me to also persevere in an educational setting like UF. Although I visited the university during the summer, when most students had already returned home, there was still a buzz in the air, a certain excitement that surrounded you. I can not wait to become a part of this atmosphere, this family you may call it, this Gator Nation.

Comments/Critiques/Criticisms please :)

jshirley

Aug 19, 2009

Undergraduate / "moved to Champaign from Nepal" - your decision to apply for transfer [9]

InOn December 7th 2008 ~~I and my husband~~My husband and I were married. ~~then~~After we moved to Champaign from Nepal. My husband works in an IT company in Champaign. ~~It has been years for him working here.~~Are you trying to say that he has been working there for many years? Everything was new for me. This is my first time ~~coming to~~being abroad. I was very excited as well as a little bit nervous because ~~of the environment here which is totally different from my home town~~the environment here is radically different from that of my hometown . Now eight months has passed. In this period I tried ~~myself~~ to fit within this environment.Maybe you should combine these two sentences.My husband introduced me to different people. I made friends. We visited different places.You should combine these sentences too. In the same time I also visited University of Illinois.

Visiting the University of Illinois was one of the great experiences in my life. I ~~feel~~consider myself very lucky ~~that I~~to have had an opportunity to grasp information about U of I. My friends who are already the students of UIUC explained me that it is one of the best universities in the world.You should rewrite this sentence~~Also it~~THey explained how it also has the best colleges with highly ranked programs. The more my friends ~~were explaining more~~expxlained the more I was curious to enroll myself in the world ranked university. I started to explore information about UIUC. I visited the website. I called undergraduate counselor to know my status as a student in UIUC.Combine. She was very friendly and cooperative. She explained everything in detail. ~~Also she~~She also gave me her phone number for any questions that I have. This was highly beneficial to me. I was able to ~~know~~learn about each and every step towards my admission procedure.

My desire changed to my final decision.Awkward. Being a student I am always centralized towards my purpose of study. I consistently try my best to head towards the right path that will lead me to successfully achieve my goal and I think UIUC is the right place which will definitely help me to attain my short term goals.Long sentence. And your short term goals? Shouldn't it b preparing you for the long term?

Lots of grammar issues. Is English your second language? Nice ideas though. Good Luck! :)