cocoliciousx3
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'Sometimes I wake up paralyzed.' QuestBridge Application - Biographical Essay [2]
Hi everyone!
I am a high school senior who's applying to the QuestBridge program. I was wondering if any of you could give me some feedback on my essay (be as honest as you need to be).
This is the prompt:
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors helped you to grow?
This is my essay:
Sometimes I wake up paralyzed. Everything's dark, and I wonder if somehow my brain and my body are detached from one another. It's like my mind has awaken, but my body is still in sleep mode. I try to open my eyes, to stand up, to scream, but it's all in vain. It's not until I'm at the edge of giving up that I finally regain control of my body. That's how being undocumented has been for me -- a constant struggle against the deprivation of control, not over my body, but over my life.
My lack of legal status has been something I've always been aware of. Knowing it, however, didn't come with understanding what it really meant. I was able to go to school, to go out with my friends, to have fun. I was able to do anything that a teenager wants, which led me to believe that my immigration status was not a matter I needed to worry about. Little did I know how far away from reality I was. Throughout the course of the years I have not just realized, but experienced the countless of ways that the absence of legal status can limit you.
Over time, I have conquered the aspects of my life that my status has a hold of. During my junior year, my family was going through financial difficulties. I knew that getting an after-school job would ease their burden. Nevertheless, in order for students to work, a permit is required, which I'm unable to obtain without a Social Security Number. Yet, that didn't stop me. Although I couldn't work for someone else, I could still work for myself. And that's what I did: I started my own business, offering tutoring services for children. Not only did it let me help my parents, but it also led me to become a more resourceful person.
Not so long ago, my school counselor introduced my class to the PENCIL Fellows Program. There, fellows are prepared for the professional world through intensive workshops and a paid summer internship. As I expected, though, it asked for legal documentation. Still, I wasn't going to let such opportunity slide so easily. Because I was so interested in it, I contacted the program coordinators and informed them about my situation. They discussed it among themselves and decided that, although I couldn't participate in the internship, I was more than welcomed to attend the workshops. That was more than enough for me. The knowledge I gained through them will serve me throughout the rest of my life.
It is no lie how, in comparison to other students, the road towards college is paved with a lot more obstacles for those lacking legal status. Because of my desire to attend an university, I am pushed to excel at my studies. I try to be a hardworking student by going beyond what's asked of me. I may know the class material, but I still go to tutoring; I may have a satisfactory grade, but I try to improve it with extra-credit work; my resume may be full with activities, but I keep on enlisting myself in more. I need to give the college admission committees every possible reason to accept me, to look past my status. Not only that, but I want to one day become a professional, showing that us immigrant aren't here to worsen this country, but rather to contribute to its prosperity.
There was a time when I used to be jealous of my friends, of all the opportunities their legal status would provide them with. When researching for matters such as, say, a scholarship, I think of how lucky they are for not having to add "available to undocumented students" on the search line. Now, though, I have realized that the lucky one is me, simply because I know that it is my experience as an undocumented person that has brought me to where I am today. Like with the sleep paralysis I sometimes find myself in, I have reclaimed control over how my status affects me. Yes, it is true that my lack of legal status has limited me in ways others aren't; but it is these limitations that have molded me into a better version of myself.
Thanks in advance!
Hi everyone!
I am a high school senior who's applying to the QuestBridge program. I was wondering if any of you could give me some feedback on my essay (be as honest as you need to be).
This is the prompt:
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors helped you to grow?
This is my essay:
Sometimes I wake up paralyzed. Everything's dark, and I wonder if somehow my brain and my body are detached from one another. It's like my mind has awaken, but my body is still in sleep mode. I try to open my eyes, to stand up, to scream, but it's all in vain. It's not until I'm at the edge of giving up that I finally regain control of my body. That's how being undocumented has been for me -- a constant struggle against the deprivation of control, not over my body, but over my life.
My lack of legal status has been something I've always been aware of. Knowing it, however, didn't come with understanding what it really meant. I was able to go to school, to go out with my friends, to have fun. I was able to do anything that a teenager wants, which led me to believe that my immigration status was not a matter I needed to worry about. Little did I know how far away from reality I was. Throughout the course of the years I have not just realized, but experienced the countless of ways that the absence of legal status can limit you.
Over time, I have conquered the aspects of my life that my status has a hold of. During my junior year, my family was going through financial difficulties. I knew that getting an after-school job would ease their burden. Nevertheless, in order for students to work, a permit is required, which I'm unable to obtain without a Social Security Number. Yet, that didn't stop me. Although I couldn't work for someone else, I could still work for myself. And that's what I did: I started my own business, offering tutoring services for children. Not only did it let me help my parents, but it also led me to become a more resourceful person.
Not so long ago, my school counselor introduced my class to the PENCIL Fellows Program. There, fellows are prepared for the professional world through intensive workshops and a paid summer internship. As I expected, though, it asked for legal documentation. Still, I wasn't going to let such opportunity slide so easily. Because I was so interested in it, I contacted the program coordinators and informed them about my situation. They discussed it among themselves and decided that, although I couldn't participate in the internship, I was more than welcomed to attend the workshops. That was more than enough for me. The knowledge I gained through them will serve me throughout the rest of my life.
It is no lie how, in comparison to other students, the road towards college is paved with a lot more obstacles for those lacking legal status. Because of my desire to attend an university, I am pushed to excel at my studies. I try to be a hardworking student by going beyond what's asked of me. I may know the class material, but I still go to tutoring; I may have a satisfactory grade, but I try to improve it with extra-credit work; my resume may be full with activities, but I keep on enlisting myself in more. I need to give the college admission committees every possible reason to accept me, to look past my status. Not only that, but I want to one day become a professional, showing that us immigrant aren't here to worsen this country, but rather to contribute to its prosperity.
There was a time when I used to be jealous of my friends, of all the opportunities their legal status would provide them with. When researching for matters such as, say, a scholarship, I think of how lucky they are for not having to add "available to undocumented students" on the search line. Now, though, I have realized that the lucky one is me, simply because I know that it is my experience as an undocumented person that has brought me to where I am today. Like with the sleep paralysis I sometimes find myself in, I have reclaimed control over how my status affects me. Yes, it is true that my lack of legal status has limited me in ways others aren't; but it is these limitations that have molded me into a better version of myself.
Thanks in advance!