Undergraduate / Why specific Area and Yale? - Yale Short Answer [2]

First, I would like to congratulate you for being specific. However, I feel that you can focus the two essays into one specific experience.

First Essay

My 'Electrical Set' brought my unrevealed interest in engineering to my focus of life.I feel that there is another way to incorporate your interest in engineering without it being too blunt. Instead of telling straight front, show it in your essay that this is what you want to do by describing it with passion.

Since then, it has galvanized me to explore new possibilities in the world.Everybody wants to "explore new possibilities in the world". Segue this into the story of your grandmother. Otherwise, it seems you're giving an answer the colleges expect you to say.

The computers: an excellent cocktail brewed for me . Bold comparison. For me, it just didn't seem to click with me. Unless you've mentioned that you've dabbled in cocktail brewing, I would not recommend this comparison

I can do whatever I wish to, and this is what will help me achieve my dreamYou have the possibility to achieve your goals; it's not a guarantee. I would cut this out in favor of getting into the story of your grandmother, which I feel is the crux of this essay.

- to make internet easy to use for my grandmother. I wish to bring all her vials available to the world she has always wanted. THIS is what I want to hear. Expand on it.

Second Essay

Besides being an institution with best-in-class resources and the devout faculty, I am highly impressed by the richness in Yale life,The reason why I cut this out is because it really seems that you are trying to suck up to Yale. Yale knows they are an amazing institution. What you said is why everybody wants to go there. They are aware that they have best-in-class resources and a devout faculty. They know they have richness. What I find impressive about this essay is that there are specific in Yale you are interested in. Talk about that instead!

especially by the HackYale club that will let me teach others and let me grasp a concrete approach to the concerned topics, and the International Students Organization,

which will help me adjust to the States' culture and norms. I want to know more about how these clubs will help you to be a productive member of Yale society. And don't give general answers. I want to know how you will apply the knowledge that you will learn from these clubs.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers [6]

I would say that your essay is basically a list of what you have done. You have not told me anything about yourself except the fact that you traveled, you were part of some competition, and you appreciate your grandpa. Instead of listing these things, explain it through experience. I want to know how you FELT through traveling. I want to know how traveling changed you. I want to feel your relationship with your grandfather.

I would cut out the first sentence ("I have spent the last two summers") because the readers will already expect an essay of what you've done your last summer. Don't rehash it. You will have more space.