waterlily
Dec 31, 2016
Undergraduate / Dualities permeate my existence. Common App Promp #1-College Essay [3]
Hi @thukim, I really liked your essay overall, but I would make some changes to the structure (green is what I added in and red is what I had issues with):
The gorgeous, cocktail-blue sky darkens into gravel-grey. Swirling gray clouds gloomily darken the sky . In Vietnam, February nights are chilly, with a brisk wind picking up. The bitterly cold winter wind stings my cheeks. (You talk about the darkening sky and the cold wind twice. I would try to combine these into two sentences.)
Tears well up in my eyes, filled with sorrow. Waves of nostalgia and sorrow pulse through my body,...
Sucking sweets and gently blowing against a closed now and mouth to push air middle ears to equalize the pressure do not help either.(This is kind of confusing)
Fear of not fulfillingthe expectations from my family's expectations on the new ...
Thespring sky slowly dissolves into a fragile, pellucid- dark blue after the plane achieveds a stable altitude. The clouds are frail and pristinely white in the. They carry on moonlight ruffling breeze as the last goodbye to my departureThey ruffle in the breeze , wishing me godspeed... (I love the feeling of sadness and trepidation you evoke in this paragraph.)
In the second paragraph, instead of "Hanoi vintage lifestyle and American youth alter my worldview", I think you should discuss specifically how your worldview was altered. This would take you to your last paragraph, where you talk about how both worlds taught you to be kind and compassionate. I like where you're going with the religion paragraph, but it isn't wholly necessary and interrupts the flow of your essay. I would take out that paragraph and further explain about how you reacted to living in America.
Lastly, as much as I love the Imitation Game, it's still a little contrived to end your essay with a quote.
Hope this helps :)
Hi @thukim, I really liked your essay overall, but I would make some changes to the structure (green is what I added in and red is what I had issues with):
The gorgeous, cocktail-blue sky darkens into gravel-grey. Swirling gray clouds gloomily darken the sky . In Vietnam, February nights are chilly, with a brisk wind picking up. The bitterly cold winter wind stings my cheeks. (You talk about the darkening sky and the cold wind twice. I would try to combine these into two sentences.)
Tears well up in my eyes
Sucking sweets and gently blowing against a closed now and mouth to push air middle ears to equalize the pressure do not help either.(This is kind of confusing)
Fear of not fulfilling
The
In the second paragraph, instead of "Hanoi vintage lifestyle and American youth alter my worldview", I think you should discuss specifically how your worldview was altered. This would take you to your last paragraph, where you talk about how both worlds taught you to be kind and compassionate. I like where you're going with the religion paragraph, but it isn't wholly necessary and interrupts the flow of your essay. I would take out that paragraph and further explain about how you reacted to living in America.
Lastly, as much as I love the Imitation Game, it's still a little contrived to end your essay with a quote.
Hope this helps :)
