MarianneB
Jan 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / Task 2 ielts - sports and exercise classes and academic subjects [4]
Hi! I think the base of your text is really good, but maybe you need to explain a little further your arguments. For example, when you say life skills, you could explain what is the meaning behind that. I know you mention it later in a sentence, but maybe try to give examples.
Nowadays, when advanced technology (...), so ones are too lazy to do exercise.
In this sentence, I understand what you're trying to say, but I think you could rewrite it to make it a little bit clearer. Try to be more precise when you write lot of benefits.
... suffer from so many diseases such as diaries , cancers ...
I think you meant diarrhea;)
In your last paragraph, you could try to develop more about why we need to find a balance between having a healthy/active lifestyle and one that's only focused on school, because that's what you seem to defend. But in your last paragraph, you seem to say that we shouldn't devote all of our time doing sports. Only from what I'm reading of the prompt, they only suggest not to suppress all phys ed classes, not to replace all academic classes by sports one. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense, but to me, your defending a point that was never in the prompt.
Overall, I think you did a really good job, but just make some changes and it'll be a great essay!
Hi! I think the base of your text is really good, but maybe you need to explain a little further your arguments. For example, when you say life skills, you could explain what is the meaning behind that. I know you mention it later in a sentence, but maybe try to give examples.
Nowadays, when advanced technology (...), so ones are too lazy to do exercise.
In this sentence, I understand what you're trying to say, but I think you could rewrite it to make it a little bit clearer. Try to be more precise when you write lot of benefits.
... suffer from so many diseases such as diaries , cancers ...
I think you meant diarrhea;)
In your last paragraph, you could try to develop more about why we need to find a balance between having a healthy/active lifestyle and one that's only focused on school, because that's what you seem to defend. But in your last paragraph, you seem to say that we shouldn't devote all of our time doing sports. Only from what I'm reading of the prompt, they only suggest not to suppress all phys ed classes, not to replace all academic classes by sports one. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense, but to me, your defending a point that was never in the prompt.
Overall, I think you did a really good job, but just make some changes and it'll be a great essay!