lexibear
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Becoming a knight" - Application Essay for UCF. [9]
When reading your paragraph, it kind of seemed as if everything you thought about the school was jumbled together which made it seem slightly incoherent. I have the feeling that you were worried about the word count/character limit, and if you WERE, DON'T! When it comes to word counts and character limits, worry about them AFTER you feel as if you've said everything you needed to say (you can always delete/rewrite what you've written). As crazy as that sounds, it works - TRUST ME!
As for the 'edited' paragraph at the bottom, you'll see that it still has your ideas from the original; I simply tweaked it a bit to make it flow somewhat better. I excluded the part about Miami/Orlando because I wasn't sure if you were comparing two campuses or the different aspects of ONE (you'll want to make that more clear if you plan on using that part in your essay). As for worrying about the last sentence, I moved it to the beginning of the paragraph and created a new ending sentence so you can get a different view of how you can end it.
Also! I've included the word count/character limit at the end so you'll know how long it is.
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University of Central Florida was - and still is - my first choice for college. I would be honored to represent the silver armor of UCF as it would be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I view UCF campus as a paradise that provides open doors to fulfill anyone's dreams. I can reminisce back to when I was younger, pretending my dolls were patients in the little plastic house I made a hospital. I would wrap them up in 'bandages', giving them cootie shots and prescription skittles. Ever since then, I believe it has been my destiny to become someone special in the medial profession; the burning desire that is embedded into my soul screams for me to minimize the pain and relieve any distress people suffer. I also believe that my experience with diversity will help me to efficiently work well with others, which could increase the chances of me joining Volunteer UCF or taking an internship. I like how UCF gives every student the chance to explore the 12 colleges they provide, including the brand new College of Medicine which is extremely beneficial to students with my passion. I also find the idea of cooperation being encouraged at this school intriguing because without it, nothing would be able to get accomplished. With my passion for medicine and the great opportunities UCF has to offer, I conclude that both I and the staff of the school would benefit from me attending.
EDITED - Word Count/Characters: 244/1392
When reading your paragraph, it kind of seemed as if everything you thought about the school was jumbled together which made it seem slightly incoherent. I have the feeling that you were worried about the word count/character limit, and if you WERE, DON'T! When it comes to word counts and character limits, worry about them AFTER you feel as if you've said everything you needed to say (you can always delete/rewrite what you've written). As crazy as that sounds, it works - TRUST ME!
As for the 'edited' paragraph at the bottom, you'll see that it still has your ideas from the original; I simply tweaked it a bit to make it flow somewhat better. I excluded the part about Miami/Orlando because I wasn't sure if you were comparing two campuses or the different aspects of ONE (you'll want to make that more clear if you plan on using that part in your essay). As for worrying about the last sentence, I moved it to the beginning of the paragraph and created a new ending sentence so you can get a different view of how you can end it.
Also! I've included the word count/character limit at the end so you'll know how long it is.
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University of Central Florida was - and still is - my first choice for college. I would be honored to represent the silver armor of UCF as it would be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I view UCF campus as a paradise that provides open doors to fulfill anyone's dreams. I can reminisce back to when I was younger, pretending my dolls were patients in the little plastic house I made a hospital. I would wrap them up in 'bandages', giving them cootie shots and prescription skittles. Ever since then, I believe it has been my destiny to become someone special in the medial profession; the burning desire that is embedded into my soul screams for me to minimize the pain and relieve any distress people suffer. I also believe that my experience with diversity will help me to efficiently work well with others, which could increase the chances of me joining Volunteer UCF or taking an internship. I like how UCF gives every student the chance to explore the 12 colleges they provide, including the brand new College of Medicine which is extremely beneficial to students with my passion. I also find the idea of cooperation being encouraged at this school intriguing because without it, nothing would be able to get accomplished. With my passion for medicine and the great opportunities UCF has to offer, I conclude that both I and the staff of the school would benefit from me attending.
EDITED - Word Count/Characters: 244/1392