Posts by phimai

phimai_trex

Jan 12, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 essay - Do parents play a vital role in success in a person's life? [3]

@Holt
Thank you so much for your very informative and motivational feedback.

I would like to summarize your idea in order to improve my future essays and some of my confusing thoughts:
1/ I should not use too long sentences.
2/ The number of sentences in my paragraphs should stay in between 3-5.
3/ The opening statement should show my assessment for the prompt. Did you mean I should write my general thinking for the given topic?
4/ I should write 1 topic per paragraph following your provided structure.
5/ The conclusion should be written as you mentioned.
Does my essay have to include 3 body paragraphs? Is 2 bodies are enough?
How to write an opening sentence when I start a body paragraph? Should I go straight forward to the discussion or show a general idea about that paragraph?

@Samuelsam123
I extremely appreciate your opinion on my writing, which includes:
1/ I should write an equal evaluation on both sides of the topic. I think this will disadvantage my idea as I emphasize them equally. However, I only support one opinion.

2/ I should use more sophisticated words (haha, I know there are a lot of informal words in my essay, e.g. gangsters, but I have no time to think).

3/ I should make more time to plan my writing.

phimai_trex

Jan 11, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 essay - Do parents play a vital role in success in a person's life? [3]

This is an IELTS Task 2 essay written within 40 minutes, without the help of dictionaries, the Internet as well as spell checkers, since I want to stimulate the examination experience. Please give me a feedback on this essay, and an average band score if you are able to estimate.

Thank you in advance!

Some people say success in a person's life as an adult is the result of the way he was brought up by his parents. Do you agree or disagree?

father's and mother's contribution to a child success

The success of a person's life is regarded to be a result of the way he was brought up by his parents. In my opinion, I personally agree with this idea, and I will explain why.

On the one hand, regarding the importance of parents, it is undeniable that these mothers and fathers play a vital role in children's development, both mental and physical aspects. To ensure their children having a bright future, parents these days are taking their son and daughters to many academies, including mandatory schools, talent institutions and sports clubs, resulting in pushing the process of seeking for their strength. These talented abilities, ranging from playing musical instruments and sports to be excelled in mathematics, are proved to have significant effects on a person's successful career. It is notable, for example, that there are numerous people are capable of utilizing their strength to make way for success, as we see in Mozart, the pianist with talented skills denoted by his father, and Shinzo Abe, the vice president of Japan who is persuaded by his parent to be a politician.

On the other hand, though, a person's living environment is sometimes believed to have impacts on his future. For example, if a child grows up in a neighborhood where citizens are members of criminal crews, he will likely end up a gangster.

In conclusion, I believe that parent is crucial to a person's successful life, since fathers and mothers help to find their children talents.

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