zoe_marie1
Sep 15, 2009
Writing Feedback / "joining the armed forces" - FSU entrance essay: Vires, Artes, Mores [3]
I made some minor changes, in the conclusion mainly. Here goes the (I hope) final version of the essay:
"Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind FSU since 1851. These Latin words embody numerous values that define my life now and will continue to do so for the rest of my life, principles that I believe in like loyalty, respect, honor and integrity.
"Mores" reflects the beliefs that are embedded in my heritage, character traits, customs and traditions which define the person that I am, and has a profound effect on my decision making and lifestyle. I am very proud of being Hispanic, and FSU is a great place to learn and understand the ethnic diversity of our country to develop the necessary "ethnic knowledge" to never cease to be proud of our own customs and traditions. This will foster respect and tolerance, and will help us develop appreciation for other cultures.
"Artes" is clearly reflected through my intellectual pursuits in music. Music is my memorable past, is my present passion and it will be my successful future. I have done as many musical activities as my schedule can handle to pursue my musical excellence. Since I moved to Georgia, I auditioned and have been selected to join the Youth Orchestra of Greater Columbus for two consecutive years. I participate in band class, marching band, the school orchestra and take two private lessons a week to build up my percussion skills. I attended the FSU Marching Band Leadership Camp the summer of 2009 to further my maturity and leadership potential. "Artes" and FSU commitment to excellence will bring about the very best of my musical ability.
"Vires" exemplifies the core and backbone of what I am, and that strength comes from my family. For eighteen years my father has worked in the Army Medical Service Corp. I have learned from him what the words duty, honor and commitment are all about: to fulfill your obligations, be responsible, take care of yourself and the people you are responsible for and to look for opportunities for physical, intellectual and emotional improvement. My mother is an Industrial Engineer with a Master in Engineering Management. Instead of pursuing her own career she decided to stay home, choosing the welfare of raising a military family before her own interest. She has taught me the meaning of sacrifice, teamwork, discipline and moral values. Being an Army brat has not been easy. I had to cope with deployments and constant relocations, but it has exposed me to new things and experiences which, along with the support and strength of my family, have made me who I am. It has taught me not to quit to adversities. It has given me strength in my commitment to my goals, like my Senior Project in ARMY Combatives, ROTC Raiders, Scouting and the pursuit of the rank of Eagle Scout, which I will be earning at the end of this school year.
I would be extremely proud to be admitted to FSU because, with its guiding philosophy, it represents the opportunity for me to accomplish all my goals.
I made some minor changes, in the conclusion mainly. Here goes the (I hope) final version of the essay:
"Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind FSU since 1851. These Latin words embody numerous values that define my life now and will continue to do so for the rest of my life, principles that I believe in like loyalty, respect, honor and integrity.
"Mores" reflects the beliefs that are embedded in my heritage, character traits, customs and traditions which define the person that I am, and has a profound effect on my decision making and lifestyle. I am very proud of being Hispanic, and FSU is a great place to learn and understand the ethnic diversity of our country to develop the necessary "ethnic knowledge" to never cease to be proud of our own customs and traditions. This will foster respect and tolerance, and will help us develop appreciation for other cultures.
"Artes" is clearly reflected through my intellectual pursuits in music. Music is my memorable past, is my present passion and it will be my successful future. I have done as many musical activities as my schedule can handle to pursue my musical excellence. Since I moved to Georgia, I auditioned and have been selected to join the Youth Orchestra of Greater Columbus for two consecutive years. I participate in band class, marching band, the school orchestra and take two private lessons a week to build up my percussion skills. I attended the FSU Marching Band Leadership Camp the summer of 2009 to further my maturity and leadership potential. "Artes" and FSU commitment to excellence will bring about the very best of my musical ability.
"Vires" exemplifies the core and backbone of what I am, and that strength comes from my family. For eighteen years my father has worked in the Army Medical Service Corp. I have learned from him what the words duty, honor and commitment are all about: to fulfill your obligations, be responsible, take care of yourself and the people you are responsible for and to look for opportunities for physical, intellectual and emotional improvement. My mother is an Industrial Engineer with a Master in Engineering Management. Instead of pursuing her own career she decided to stay home, choosing the welfare of raising a military family before her own interest. She has taught me the meaning of sacrifice, teamwork, discipline and moral values. Being an Army brat has not been easy. I had to cope with deployments and constant relocations, but it has exposed me to new things and experiences which, along with the support and strength of my family, have made me who I am. It has taught me not to quit to adversities. It has given me strength in my commitment to my goals, like my Senior Project in ARMY Combatives, ROTC Raiders, Scouting and the pursuit of the rank of Eagle Scout, which I will be earning at the end of this school year.
I would be extremely proud to be admitted to FSU because, with its guiding philosophy, it represents the opportunity for me to accomplish all my goals.
