dkinny23
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road", Hide and Seek - for Central Florida Application [4]
thanks for the advice, im working on the essay now=]
thanks for the advice, im working on the essay now=]
dkinny23
Oct 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road", Hide and Seek - for Central Florida Application [4]
someone please give me input, I would like to send this out today and my mom is coming to read this for the first time in about 1/2 hour. I don't want to show her this if it is completely off or doesn't fulfill the task. Thanks everyone!
someone please give me input, I would like to send this out today and my mom is coming to read this for the first time in about 1/2 hour. I don't want to show her this if it is completely off or doesn't fulfill the task. Thanks everyone!
dkinny23
Oct 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road", Hide and Seek - for Central Florida Application [4]
For Univeristy of Central Florida, you need two essays, both combined to have under 500 words, so this is supposed to be short. The question I am answering is to explain a "bump in the road" and describe the circumstances. Is this good/bad/boring/entertaining/not enough....please, any commentary will help me! thank you. I want to try and send out this application tonight if possible!
Hide and Seek
When I was 7, my brother had broken his foot and was on crutches for 6 months. Most people would say that this "bump in the road" pertains to my brother. However, I learned something from this experience that changed the course of my life.
My dad had moved in to the house of my soon to be step mother, Marion. She thought it would be funny to hide my brothers crutches. As my brother was struggling and crawling all over the house, Marion, her 5 kids, and my dad were laughing and making fun of him. It broke my heart to see how someone so heroic to me could be so physically helpless. While only being 7, and not used to standing up to adults, I decided to call my mother to tell her what was happening. My step mom's family was mad that I stopped their "fun." What I learned from that day was that it is not always correct to do what everyone else is doing, but to go beyond the limits that people always thinks they have, and do something extraordinary.
For Univeristy of Central Florida, you need two essays, both combined to have under 500 words, so this is supposed to be short. The question I am answering is to explain a "bump in the road" and describe the circumstances. Is this good/bad/boring/entertaining/not enough....please, any commentary will help me! thank you. I want to try and send out this application tonight if possible!
Hide and Seek
When I was 7, my brother had broken his foot and was on crutches for 6 months. Most people would say that this "bump in the road" pertains to my brother. However, I learned something from this experience that changed the course of my life.
My dad had moved in to the house of my soon to be step mother, Marion. She thought it would be funny to hide my brothers crutches. As my brother was struggling and crawling all over the house, Marion, her 5 kids, and my dad were laughing and making fun of him. It broke my heart to see how someone so heroic to me could be so physically helpless. While only being 7, and not used to standing up to adults, I decided to call my mother to tell her what was happening. My step mom's family was mad that I stopped their "fun." What I learned from that day was that it is not always correct to do what everyone else is doing, but to go beyond the limits that people always thinks they have, and do something extraordinary.
dkinny23
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / The meaning of 'community' - what this UPenn prompt is asking? [5]
You have to take one of those communities or *facilities* and research it basically. Find out why they were formed and what their purpose is. Whichever of those facilities is most interesting to you is the one that you will pick to describe. This essay requires a bit more work then a regular college essay=/
Hope that helped
You have to take one of those communities or *facilities* and research it basically. Find out why they were formed and what their purpose is. Whichever of those facilities is most interesting to you is the one that you will pick to describe. This essay requires a bit more work then a regular college essay=/
Hope that helped
dkinny23
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "My first time" - Common App Essay (significant experience) [7]
Yea I was concerned with the "personal" part compared to the gymnastics descriptions. I will definitely change that. And with the capital and lowercase "I's," I wasnt going to leave it like that lol. I don't have microsoft word on this computer up here, so I wrote it semi-quickly on notepad. I wasn't finished editing the grammar. But thanks everyone! All of this advice is very helpful!
Yea I was concerned with the "personal" part compared to the gymnastics descriptions. I will definitely change that. And with the capital and lowercase "I's," I wasnt going to leave it like that lol. I don't have microsoft word on this computer up here, so I wrote it semi-quickly on notepad. I wasn't finished editing the grammar. But thanks everyone! All of this advice is very helpful!
dkinny23
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "My first time" - Common App Essay (significant experience) [7]
Thanks for the imput, and yea i tend to do that sometime. It's kind of hard for me to be short and concise when im so used to trying to make essays and papers as long as possible ha. but thanks again, ill go over that.
Thanks for the imput, and yea i tend to do that sometime. It's kind of hard for me to be short and concise when im so used to trying to make essays and papers as long as possible ha. but thanks again, ill go over that.
dkinny23
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "My first time" - Common App Essay (significant experience) [7]
Would someone mind critiquing my essay for the common application essay option #1. I appreciate any feedback that can help make my essay better.
Question:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Essay:
My first time.
As i stared back at the one person who really mattered, i could feel my heart pounding.
The terror but excitment, was ready to entangle all of my emotions. "My first time," I said to myself, as
shivers traveled down my spine. The eyes staring back at me, telling me that they were ready. As i took one, deep
breath, my arms went straight above my head. The biggest smile that i could conjure at the moment spread across my face.
The world spun around me like never before. Maybe it was my fear, maybe it was the adrenaline, but whatever it was,
i knew that the feeling was within. No one else could see what i saw, feel what i felt, or experience what i was going through.
I was finally on top, shaking beyond belief as the nerves within my body felt like a hurricane. My toes were pointed the
entire time as my body remained as calm as i could get it to be.
My first move was to balance and smile at the judge. Her smile back allowed me to see what she was thinking. I could tell
in her eyes that she knew I was nervous. She may not have known that this was the first time that I was competing on a
gymastics team, but She could tell that i was trying my hardest to be majestic and fluent. Most of all, she could tell that I
was trying my hardest to get my routine over with.
I did my first few jumps with confidence. They were something I had practiced all my life and did with ease. Next came the
oh so dreaded cartwheel that I did not have a lot of experience with. I would love to say that i landed my cartwheel with
perfection, but that is just simply not how life works out. Everyone strives for perfection, but in reality, there is not a
single person on the face of this Earth who is perfect. That is the beauty of human nature, as well as the beaty of gymnastics.
Gymastics is about perfecting the control of your body. This sport brings out how a person feels and demonstrates
it to who ever may be watching. On that day of my first competition, so many of my emotions were expressed.
Even while I messed up a few of the moves that I had practiced over and over again, I was proud of myself.
Gymnastics has taught me that imperfections are really what make people perfect. When I feel perfect is when I try my hardest,
but still recognize the mistakes i have made. Mistakes are there to for people to learn, and that is really what gymanstics
is all about.
Gymnastics has helped me learn how to deal with my life. Grades can not always add up to 100 percent. Of course that
is what most students strive for, but to get a perfect score every single time is highly unlikely. As long as i have tried my
hardest and put forth my biggest efforts, I can say that i did perfectly, whether the grade reflects this perfection or not.
Along with trying to reach perfection, the motives of gymnastics have taught me a lot. Whenever an opportunity comes
to try something new, no matter if i am nervous or unsure of myself, i almost always try it. This is due to my first
time. The insecurities that take over my body when handed new, unfamiliar tasks remind me of the time when i first looked at
that judge. Then i reflect my feelings from after the competition, and how proud of myself I was that i had tried something
new, despite my fears.
Would someone mind critiquing my essay for the common application essay option #1. I appreciate any feedback that can help make my essay better.
Question:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Essay:
My first time.
As i stared back at the one person who really mattered, i could feel my heart pounding.
The terror but excitment, was ready to entangle all of my emotions. "My first time," I said to myself, as
shivers traveled down my spine. The eyes staring back at me, telling me that they were ready. As i took one, deep
breath, my arms went straight above my head. The biggest smile that i could conjure at the moment spread across my face.
The world spun around me like never before. Maybe it was my fear, maybe it was the adrenaline, but whatever it was,
i knew that the feeling was within. No one else could see what i saw, feel what i felt, or experience what i was going through.
I was finally on top, shaking beyond belief as the nerves within my body felt like a hurricane. My toes were pointed the
entire time as my body remained as calm as i could get it to be.
My first move was to balance and smile at the judge. Her smile back allowed me to see what she was thinking. I could tell
in her eyes that she knew I was nervous. She may not have known that this was the first time that I was competing on a
gymastics team, but She could tell that i was trying my hardest to be majestic and fluent. Most of all, she could tell that I
was trying my hardest to get my routine over with.
I did my first few jumps with confidence. They were something I had practiced all my life and did with ease. Next came the
oh so dreaded cartwheel that I did not have a lot of experience with. I would love to say that i landed my cartwheel with
perfection, but that is just simply not how life works out. Everyone strives for perfection, but in reality, there is not a
single person on the face of this Earth who is perfect. That is the beauty of human nature, as well as the beaty of gymnastics.
Gymastics is about perfecting the control of your body. This sport brings out how a person feels and demonstrates
it to who ever may be watching. On that day of my first competition, so many of my emotions were expressed.
Even while I messed up a few of the moves that I had practiced over and over again, I was proud of myself.
Gymnastics has taught me that imperfections are really what make people perfect. When I feel perfect is when I try my hardest,
but still recognize the mistakes i have made. Mistakes are there to for people to learn, and that is really what gymanstics
is all about.
Gymnastics has helped me learn how to deal with my life. Grades can not always add up to 100 percent. Of course that
is what most students strive for, but to get a perfect score every single time is highly unlikely. As long as i have tried my
hardest and put forth my biggest efforts, I can say that i did perfectly, whether the grade reflects this perfection or not.
Along with trying to reach perfection, the motives of gymnastics have taught me a lot. Whenever an opportunity comes
to try something new, no matter if i am nervous or unsure of myself, i almost always try it. This is due to my first
time. The insecurities that take over my body when handed new, unfamiliar tasks remind me of the time when i first looked at
that judge. Then i reflect my feelings from after the competition, and how proud of myself I was that i had tried something
new, despite my fears.
