Undergraduate / Common app Personal essay- recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. [4]

Hi,
This is a really interesting essay. The topic is very intriguing, however, you provide more context than needed, and although you touch on how this experience affected you, I still think you need more. Focusing on the present is just as important as the past. I would recommend making the first few paragraphs more concise and elaborating more on the effects of the experience.

Overall, it has a few grammar mistakes with comma misplacement in the first paragraph and a few unnecessary commas here and there. This is a well-written essay, I really like your reflection.

Elaborate more on "special gift," the metaphor is not completely clear at first glance.

(you can use grammarly to help catch small grammar errors)
:)

Undergraduate / My Common App Essay: Personal Statement about what I have been through [2]

Hey, this is a good essay topic, however, the essay does have a lot of awkward sentences and grammar issues. And the background that you provide is very elaborate and thorough but you can definitely cut it down and use that space to focus more on yourself. The background of your obstacle is quite lengthy and you can definitely create a stronger essay if you veer the focus more toward yourself.

As for the grammar, you could make your sentences more concise and there are mix-ups with some of the prepositions (not optional, should be fixed).

(Suggestions)
..., congratulations, and music mingled with among the crowd in at my ...
... at her, hold[ing] my hands tightly[.] and repeated firmly [She firmly repeated] an ordinary statement to [my] eight-year-old-meself: "Look at ..." [you could remove "and follow her," it's not completely necessary. It's optional]

In most of traditional ... siblings must model themselves onafter their elders [older siblings instead of elders?]. Yes, my family is not an exception (this was kind of confusing): my parents ... [suggestion: My parents assumed that I would become a shadow of my scholarly older sister who aimed for the highest in everything achievable.]

Since childhood Ever since I was young, my thought was ... in her class [suggestion: I believed myself to be constantly inferior in comparison to my sister and her accomplishments]. Due to ... If she can could be ..., I must perform as the was to ... Unfortunately, I cannot However, I could not stand still ... sticking in to studying desk ...

I just made a few edits for the beginning to give a head start but if you need any more help, let me know. Overall, this essay has a lot of potential but just needs some cleanups.