Posts by staycold

staycold

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / "Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay [4]

After I state that I want to be happy, I'm starting a new paragraph.

I'm majoring in pre-dental. "Why?" Because my mother always used to tell me that she there are only two things she's going to give me in life and that's an education and straight teeth. Without an education, I can't expect to get far in life and without a nice smile, I can't expect to get the job of my dreams or succeed at work.

My goal in life is to become an orthodontist. I want to be able to give people straight smiles. Not only does it boost people's self-esteem, but it's also a great way to make a good first impression with someone. Whether at the University of Florida, or anywhere else, I plan on becoming an orthodontist and giving everyone a reason to smile about.

staycold

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life [7]

Never start a paragraph with "First". Change it to "Initially", "Furthermore, "Additionally", etc. In fact, I wouldn't even use paragraph transitions. I feel like they're very elementary.

I like your improved introduction. But don't you think you should talk about how intellectual you are? That might seem a little stereotypical, but it's something I would do. I'd also talk about the clubs I'm in at school.

By the way, I'm also applying to FSU. But since I've lived in Tallahassee my whole life, I don't plan on attending so I'm not going to waste my time writing the essay. I wish you the best of luck though! I hope you get in. :)

staycold

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / "Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay [4]

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.

Sweet Life

Sitting on the edge of the cliff of discovery, I watch myself write. Sentences, words, syllables, letters -- all pass onto the page but none hit home. I see myself writing and I realize something about myself. A wave of introspection washes the sand of innocence from my shores and leaves me sitting, anxious of the life ahead of me. I'm not like most people; I firmly believe idolatry is unhealthy. However, Ray Bradbury is the caped paladin to my damsel-in-distress.

It's a hobby of mine to get lost in a really, really good book; but truth be told, some of the best books I've ever read I've had to read for school. In 10th grade, I read Fahrenheit 451 and it changed my way of thinking. I know the book's purpose was to make everyone aware of censorship, but that wasn't the only thing I learned from it. I've read Fahrenheit 451 more than the average high school senior has and every time I read it, there's always one quote that sticks out more than the rest. "Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal. ...To hell with that" (Bradbury).

Most of my life I just assumed I'd go to medical school. There was never a moment where I questioned what I was doing or questioned my motives until I read Fahrenheit 451. Clarisse Clemmons used to question Guy Montag about why he was a firefighter and most importantly, if he was happy. It made me think, "Why do I want to go to medical school? Why do I want to be a doctor?" I realized I couldn't answer either of my questions. It wasn't until this past summer that I came to a conclusion what I want to major in. I simply asked myself, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" and the only thing I could think of was happy. When I grow up, I want to be happy. I want to choose a career that makes me happy. I'm majoring in pre-dental. "Why?" My orthodontist is the happiest, employed person I know. I want to be just like him.

My mom always says to me "Remember, life was not created sweet. You have to make your life sweet." I am concerned about the time I lost. It is my fault alone, I know this. Whether at the University of Florida, or anywhere else, I'm going to start making up for this lost time; I'm going to start making better decisions and I'll be an overall happier person.

I feel like I'm not on topic. I know my conclusion doesn't really fit with the rest of the essay, I'm trying to work on it, but any feedback would be much appreciated!

staycold

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia [4]

to drill a well in a remote area.

who are indigent or sorrowful was overthrown.

I learned to appreciate

Their tenacity and optimistic attitude[insert comma] despite their hardships[insert comma] commanded my respect.

a leader[insert comma] and a soldier.

I really liked your essay overall. It seems like you're quite cultured for someone so young. I made some corrections above. The last line in your essay confuses me somewhat though. I don't know what you're trying to say.

Also, you have a well-versed vocabulary, but I feel like you're trying too hard to impress your reader. Maybe you should use simpler words.