taianhtran
May 21, 2019
Writing Feedback / Begginer writting task 1 on consumer spending in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey [4]
@xyanuaaa
Hi.
I am Tran Anh Tai from Vietnam. I would like to share my thoughts of your essay as follows:
1. In the introduction sentence:
- "Illustrate" is usually used with pictures such as charts or diagrams rather than the data tables. We can use "show" instead; it could be simple, but more suitable.
- It should be "three consumed items" (plural noun), it could be a typo only;
- I think that if we use "five", we don't need to use "various" anymore. Because "five" indicates the exact number of countries already. Going further, we should use the "including" or "consisting of", because "such as" is usually used when we don't know the definite number of things.
2. In the second and third sentence, I think your ideas are so good. However
- I would try not to repeat "the given table";
- Avoid to use the unnecessary words. I would try "It can be clearly seen that..." (be + adverb + verb) or, "It is obvious that..." (be + adjective) instead of "it's immediately obvious that" (be + adverb + adjective).
I am not really sure, but I think it could be a little confusing if we use adverbs to complement adjectives. Instead, we could use adverbs for verbs, and adjectives for nouns.
In the long term, we should try to learn new terminologies which are simple, straightforward, and meaningful with less characters or additional words.
3. Body paragraphs.
I think that we should use some other ways to talk about the percentage or proportion, we don't need to indicate the exact numbers in all cases. For example,
- A little above one-third = 32.14%
- A little under one-third = 28.91%
- A bit below one-fifth = 18.8%
- A quarter = 25%
- Almost two percent = 1.98%
Finally, I would like share my way to develop the body paragraphs for your reference. It is just a group of ideas, not a complete essay at all.
- We can classify Ireland and Turkey as one group.
+ Their citizens seem to spend about 40% of their budget on these items.
+ They also allocate round 30% for food, drinks and tobacco.
+ Turkish invest in leisure and education with the largest proportion among five countries with 4.35%.
+ Irish number is only more than 2.0% which is ranked number four in five nations.
- We could write about Sweden, Italy and Spain in the second body paragraph.
+ They all spend about 25% to below 30% disposable income on above items.
+ Swedish use about 25% which is the lowest one among the groups, however, their spending on entertainment and education is more than 3.22% which is the second rank after Turkish.
+ Italian budget for the same items is just a little less with 3.20%, whereas they expend 9.0% for fashion items.
+ Spanish allocate less than 2% for leisure and education.
These are my opinions only. I really appreciate if you give some feedbacks, so we can learn together.
Thank you!
Anh Tai.
@xyanuaaa
Hi.
I am Tran Anh Tai from Vietnam. I would like to share my thoughts of your essay as follows:
1. In the introduction sentence:
- "Illustrate" is usually used with pictures such as charts or diagrams rather than the data tables. We can use "show" instead; it could be simple, but more suitable.
- It should be "three consumed items" (plural noun), it could be a typo only;
- I think that if we use "five", we don't need to use "various" anymore. Because "five" indicates the exact number of countries already. Going further, we should use the "including" or "consisting of", because "such as" is usually used when we don't know the definite number of things.
2. In the second and third sentence, I think your ideas are so good. However
- I would try not to repeat "the given table";
- Avoid to use the unnecessary words. I would try "It can be clearly seen that..." (be + adverb + verb) or, "It is obvious that..." (be + adjective) instead of "it's immediately obvious that" (be + adverb + adjective).
I am not really sure, but I think it could be a little confusing if we use adverbs to complement adjectives. Instead, we could use adverbs for verbs, and adjectives for nouns.
In the long term, we should try to learn new terminologies which are simple, straightforward, and meaningful with less characters or additional words.
3. Body paragraphs.
I think that we should use some other ways to talk about the percentage or proportion, we don't need to indicate the exact numbers in all cases. For example,
- A little above one-third = 32.14%
- A little under one-third = 28.91%
- A bit below one-fifth = 18.8%
- A quarter = 25%
- Almost two percent = 1.98%
Finally, I would like share my way to develop the body paragraphs for your reference. It is just a group of ideas, not a complete essay at all.
- We can classify Ireland and Turkey as one group.
+ Their citizens seem to spend about 40% of their budget on these items.
+ They also allocate round 30% for food, drinks and tobacco.
+ Turkish invest in leisure and education with the largest proportion among five countries with 4.35%.
+ Irish number is only more than 2.0% which is ranked number four in five nations.
- We could write about Sweden, Italy and Spain in the second body paragraph.
+ They all spend about 25% to below 30% disposable income on above items.
+ Swedish use about 25% which is the lowest one among the groups, however, their spending on entertainment and education is more than 3.22% which is the second rank after Turkish.
+ Italian budget for the same items is just a little less with 3.20%, whereas they expend 9.0% for fashion items.
+ Spanish allocate less than 2% for leisure and education.
These are my opinions only. I really appreciate if you give some feedbacks, so we can learn together.
Thank you!
Anh Tai.
