Undergraduate / Temple essay - about me in 10 years from now; career in pharmacy [5]

Hi, I just finished my essay for Temple, and I really need someone to proofread and revise it. Can you help?

Topic: Please type an essay of 2000 characters (approximately 300 words) that tells us more about you. Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say?

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As I reflect upon my personal and professional life, I can proudly tell you that my resume is filled with many of my accomplishments of the past ten years. For instance, I can point to my graduation from Temple with my Doctorate in Pharmacy, the evolution of relationship with family and friends, the purchase of my new piano, and most recently, my promotion to Store Manager.

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, but with determination I had reached my goal. After the graduation, I worked at an alcohol and drug rehabilitation center for youth, and had been there for nearly four years. I had seen the adverse effects of ill advised decisions, and I take a certain amount of pride in knowing that I set a good example of a pharmacist who stands true for the code of ethics. I later worked at a retail pharmacy. The combination of professional education and personality had enabled me to tirelessly carry out my daily job, but it really was my love of helping patients that keeps me going despite many unexpected events.

As I mention before, I was recently promoted to Store Manager. I was brought up for consideration by my former Store Manager, an honor that I'm delighted to have. Thanks to her and the valuable knowledge and skills that I've learned at Temple, I am now a busy Store Manager who works more than 50 hours on a weekly basis. The life of a pharmacist has shaped my life. It taught me to be a life-long learner, able to decide for myself.

I've also experienced some successes in my otherwise short life: scoring high on difficult examinations, winning a prize in an art contest, passing my piano exam level sixth, etc. While such accomplishments create a measure of joy, it is nonetheless short lived. Again, I believe a career in pharmacy is the major accomplishment in my life, and will also put me in a position to help others who stand in need, and that is something worth pursuing!

I'm proud of what I've learned and grateful that Temple University had given me a chance of learning. Even if I was given a second choice, I would still choose to become a pharmacist at Temple University, a place where the sun never sets.

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What do you think?