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Posts by Kev
Joined: Oct 14, 2009
Last Post: Oct 17, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: U.S.

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Kev   
Oct 17, 2009
Book Reports / "I am the Beast" -Lord of the Flies Essay [6]

"There isn't anyone to help you. Only me. And I'm the Beast."
"Fancy thinking the Beast was something you could hunt and kill!"
"You knew, didn't you? I'm part of you? Close, close, close! I'm the reason why it's no go? Why
things are what they are?"

ARGH! Those quotes are perfect. Of course, I already turned in my paper. I wish teachers would give out the essay prompt before students had to start writing. It would make life so much easier. I missed those quotes when I was doing my writing. They would have helped a lot of the explanation of theme.

I need to work on the concept of thesis statements. I feel like I generally have stronger conclusions than I do introductions. Maybe it is because I approach things tentatively at first and the concepts become clearer as I work my way through them. For the next paper, I think I will just switch the two.
Kev   
Oct 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Adult returning to school... review/critique this very ROUGH draft? [7]

Just because I have a lot to say, doesn't mean that you are a horrible writer. I am verbose by nature and I like to explain why I would change the things I'd change. Here are some comments for you:

I have had the opportunity and privilege to start, own and operate successful businesses and start a family.

I'd take out the first word "start" here. Owning and operating are good enough to stand on and the repetition of the word "start" detracts from the concept of starting a family. Likewise, "opportunity" isn't needed here and it could have negative connotations. Opportune connotes that something was fortunate, convenient, or timely--you want to leave the admission staff feeling like you worked hard for your businesses and your family instead of giving the impression that these situations fell into your lap. Privilege is another one of those words that connotes special treatment or rights, but it works here.

The need to work hard from an early age began at the age of 16, when my father, the sole provider for my family of four was seriously injured in an accident.

I'd take our "at the age of 16." It gets a little redundant with "from an early age." Besides, some people would consider it normal for a sixteen-year old to be working--working hard--even, and most wouldn't consider it "an early age." Working full time would be a different--most people don't expect that from a high schooler. It is better in this case to leave out the specific age and let the readers define in their minds what an early age and let the next sentences define working hard for them.

His inability to provide for the family necessitated my full time employment so young.

There you go! Now the reader has a better idea of what working hard means. Tell the reader more. How did you juggle a 40-hour work week with full-time school? When did you sleep? Were you able to have a social life? How did you feel?

"B".

Put the period inside of the quotation mark.

I was excited about graduating at an early age and entering college early.

Drop the second "early."

I held 2 full time jobs as well as assisted with the family owned business just to support my family.

Spell out the number two. There should be a hyphen between full and time and another between family and owned. Two full-time jobs? Eighty hours a week? Plus school and helping with the family business? Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it! You might find the reader getting skeptical here. If you are working 80 hours, going to school for let's say 20 hours, and putting another ten into the family business each week--you are talking about sixteen hour days, every day.

After graduation college wasn't a privilege that would be realized by me, my family's survival took first place.

Put a comma after the word graduation. I'd change the word privilege to something like option. You have already used privilege once and with a slightly different meaning. "That would be realized by me" is passive and wordy. If you change privilege to option, you could just omit the whole thing. The second part of this sentence could stand as a sentence on its own so you will need to add wither a conjunction or use a semicolon. I like the semicolon better.

Life taught me the value of working hard, the desire of success as well as the realization of it.

This sentence is a little awkward. The comma leads me to believe that there will be a list, but that list never comes. AND ... "the value of" sets up ALL of the things that follow ... the value of working hard, the value of the desire of success, the value of the realization of it. You could say something like: Life taught me the value of working hard, to desire success, and the sweetness when success is realized. Okay, still not the best sentence, but I hope it gives you some ideas.

I enjoyed a career in real estate and finance and had a successful family life of my own until a combination of factors including a costly divorce settlement and a dramatic economic downturn found me unemployed in a job market that was very competitive.

I am not crazy about this sentence. I'd tighten it up a bit by trying to say what you need to say with as few words as possible. I think I'd omit the part about the divorce and the costly settlement. Most people will assume that if you had a costly divorce stttlement, it means that you had a lot of financial resources--at least at the time the case was in court. You could work in that you are a single mom somewhere in the essay without it sounding like you are wanting to air dirty laundry or tell the admissions people about personal romantic failures. Try something like: I enjoyed a real estate and finance career until the economic downturn left me unemployed in a competitive job market.

I needed that secondary education that I was unable to obtain earlier in life.

I am nit picking here. I hope you don't mind me nit picking. I don't like the word, "needed." Try something a little more positive ... desired, wanted, aspired, yearned. "That I was unable to obtain"is clunky. Try something like, "that eluded me."

That's all I can tackle tonight. Good luck with it!
Kev   
Oct 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Last summer" - Common Application Short Answer [2]

Why is functional cure in quotation marks? When I see something in quotation marks like that, I see it as irony.

with a truly international organization of doctors and scientists But was it? Were there doctors from every country? Every continent even? The word truly emphasizes international where no emphasis is warranted.

let my curiosity run wild I am not so sure that curiosity running wild is the best image here. Although it isn't always used that way, curiosity can have a negative connotation--sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Likewise, running wild contradicts the scientific process of controlling data. I get what you are saying here, but with limited words you want to make each of the words count in your favor.

Visiting patients in the operating room Maybe it is just me, but this doesn't ring right. Every time I have had surgery, I have been out cold in the operating room. Visiting patients requires some interaction between you and the patient. Is there another way of putting this that would make more sense? Were you observing surgeries? Assisting the doctors? Or were you really sitting down for tea with patients in the operating room?
Kev   
Oct 14, 2009
Book Reports / "I am the Beast" -Lord of the Flies Essay [6]

Trace the development of the concept of the Beast throughout the novel. Show how its role changes over time and how different characters perceive the Beast as time goes on.

"I am the Beast"

In Lord of the Flies, William Golding's 1954 novel depicting a group of schoolboys' decent into mayhem and violence, the Beast takes on many different forms. The boys are stranded on a tropical island after their plane crashes. In the opening pages, Golding alludes to a Beast in the form of war. Piggy nonchalantly says, "Didn't you hear what the pilot said? About the atom bomb? They're all dead" (11). The littluns' fear of the Beast is at first vague and imaginary in nature. The Beast briefly manifests in physical form as the fire that rages across the island and as the dead parachutist that has fallen to the island. At the end of the novel, the boys emerge as the Beast as their violent nature takes hold.

The island is depicted as a paradise and the boys relish their newfound freedom from adult rules. Piggy sees the gravity of the situation and tries to tell the others that "Nobody knows where we are," but the other boys are having too much fun to care (30). The boys point out the presence of fresh water and food and believe their time on the island will be an adventure like in a book. Ralph says, "we can have a good time on this island" (30). This naïve view of their predicament coupled with the lack of concern for the adult pilot foreshadows the downfall of the boys' ties to society and sets the stage for the Beast to take hold of their imaginations. The littluns, with their dependency on and closer ties to grownups, are the first to imagine the Beast. A young boy takes the conch during an assembly and wants to know what the bigger boys will do about the Beastie (31). Ralph tries to convince the youngster that there isn't a snake-thing and there isn't a Beastie. Ralph snatches the conch and tells the boy that "if there was a snake we'd hunt it and kill it" (32). The boys build a fire that soon gets out of control and takes on the characteristics of a Beast as, "The heart of flame leapt nimbly across the gap in the trees and then went swinging and flaring along the whole row of them" (39). Ironically, the littlun who voiced his fears of the Beast is never seen again after the fire. More and more littluns are afraid of the Beast. They theorize that it could be a ghost or something that comes from the sea.

Instead of the sea, the Beast falls from the sky. A battle is being fought above the island and a plane is shot down. The pilot, already dead, falls to the island where his parachute lines tangle in the rocks. "When the breeze blew, the lines would strain taut and some accident of this pull lifted the head and chest upright," animating the dead figure and terrifying Sam and Eric (89). Sam and Eric describe the Beast saying, "It was furry. There was something moving behind its headïwings" (92). The older boys organize a hunting party and go after the Beast. When Piggy insists that someone look after the littluns during the hunt, Jack says "Sucks to the littluns!" indicating a break in the society they had formed. A division of the group threatens the fragile community. Jack and his hunters form one group with their own philosophy and Ralph is the core of the opposing group.

The group of hunters kills a pig in a frenzied and violent attack. Jack, who at the beginning of the novel could not bring himself to kill a pig, now does it with relish. The boys place the sow's head on a spear as an offering to the Beast. Jack's group dresses as savages "with faces of white and red and green rush[ing] out howling, so that the littluns fled screaming" (129). These disguises free Jack's group of convention and leave them feeling "safe from shame or self-consciousness behind the mask of paint" (130). They are reenacting a hunt when Simon stumbles out of the forest and into the frenzy. The mob surrounds Simon, believing him to be the Beast and kills him. A storm envelops the island during the night, carrying the dead parachutist to sea. The tide carries away Simon's lifeless body. Jack tells the other boys that Simon had been the Beast and that "He cameïdisguised" (148). Jack formulates a plan for the return of the Beast saying, "if he comes we'll do our, our dance again" (149). Jack is not phased by Simon's murder and is willing to commit more violence. He may see Simon, Ralph, and Piggy as the Beast, but the Beast is the savage side of human nature that is capable of killing. It is not long until Ralph launches a boulder at Piggy and Ralph as they approach the rocky fortress. The boulder strikes and kills Piggy. Jack attacks, "Viciously, with full intention, he hurled his spear at Ralph. The point tore the skin and flesh over Ralph's ribs" (167). Sam and Eric warn Ralph of the intentions of the hunters: "They hare you , Ralph. [...] They're going to hunt you tomorrow" (174). The boys try to smoke Ralph out of hiding and set the island on fire in the process. The mob has him cornered when he makes a break for it and finds his rescue in the form of a British Naval Officer summoned by the smoke.

The Beast takes on many incarnations in Lord of the Flies, but it is at its core "the darkness of man's heart" (187). It is the Beast that led to the war that plucked the boys from their schools and into the surreal environment of the island. The Beast is the emptiness and fear in the littluns' hearts as they miss their homes. The Beast is the fire that consumes the littlun's life and the Beast is the pilot killed miles above the island. The Beast is most darkly seen in the savage nature of small boys when they become capable of killing. The degeneration of the tenets of civilization. The boys, physically weakened and mentally broken, are rescued from the island by a Navy cruiser intent on its own manhunt with sub-machine guns instead of sharpened sticks.
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