Undergraduate /
Adult returning to school... review/critique this very ROUGH draft? [7]
Just because I have a lot to say, doesn't mean that you are a horrible writer. I am verbose by nature and I like to explain why I would change the things I'd change. Here are some comments for you:
I have had the opportunity and privilege to start, own and operate successful businesses and start a family.
I'd take out the first word "start" here. Owning and operating are good enough to stand on and the repetition of the word "start" detracts from the concept of starting a family. Likewise, "opportunity" isn't needed here and it could have negative connotations. Opportune connotes that something was fortunate, convenient, or timely--you want to leave the admission staff feeling like you worked hard for your businesses and your family instead of giving the impression that these situations fell into your lap. Privilege is another one of those words that connotes special treatment or rights, but it works here.
The need to work hard from an early age began at the age of 16, when my father, the sole provider for my family of four was seriously injured in an accident.
I'd take our "at the age of 16." It gets a little redundant with "from an early age." Besides, some people would consider it normal for a sixteen-year old to be working--working hard--even, and most wouldn't consider it "an early age." Working full time would be a different--most people don't expect that from a high schooler. It is better in this case to leave out the specific age and let the readers define in their minds what an early age and let the next sentences define working hard for them.
His inability to provide for the family necessitated my full time employment so young.
There you go! Now the reader has a better idea of what working hard means. Tell the reader more. How did you juggle a 40-hour work week with full-time school? When did you sleep? Were you able to have a social life? How did you feel?
"B".
Put the period inside of the quotation mark.
I was excited about graduating at an early age and entering college early.
Drop the second "early."
I held 2 full time jobs as well as assisted with the family owned business just to support my family.
Spell out the number two. There should be a hyphen between full and time and another between family and owned. Two full-time jobs? Eighty hours a week? Plus school and helping with the family business? Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it! You might find the reader getting skeptical here. If you are working 80 hours, going to school for let's say 20 hours, and putting another ten into the family business each week--you are talking about sixteen hour days, every day.
After graduation college wasn't a privilege that would be realized by me, my family's survival took first place.
Put a comma after the word graduation. I'd change the word privilege to something like option. You have already used privilege once and with a slightly different meaning. "That would be realized by me" is passive and wordy. If you change privilege to option, you could just omit the whole thing. The second part of this sentence could stand as a sentence on its own so you will need to add wither a conjunction or use a semicolon. I like the semicolon better.
Life taught me the value of working hard, the desire of success as well as the realization of it.
This sentence is a little awkward. The comma leads me to believe that there will be a list, but that list never comes. AND ... "the value of" sets up ALL of the things that follow ... the value of working hard, the value of the desire of success, the value of the realization of it. You could say something like: Life taught me the value of working hard, to desire success, and the sweetness when success is realized. Okay, still not the best sentence, but I hope it gives you some ideas.
I enjoyed a career in real estate and finance and had a successful family life of my own until a combination of factors including a costly divorce settlement and a dramatic economic downturn found me unemployed in a job market that was very competitive.
I am not crazy about this sentence. I'd tighten it up a bit by trying to say what you need to say with as few words as possible. I think I'd omit the part about the divorce and the costly settlement. Most people will assume that if you had a costly divorce stttlement, it means that you had a lot of financial resources--at least at the time the case was in court. You could work in that you are a single mom somewhere in the essay without it sounding like you are wanting to air dirty laundry or tell the admissions people about personal romantic failures. Try something like: I enjoyed a real estate and finance career until the economic downturn left me unemployed in a competitive job market.
I needed that secondary education that I was unable to obtain earlier in life.
I am nit picking here. I hope you don't mind me nit picking. I don't like the word, "needed." Try something a little more positive ... desired, wanted, aspired, yearned. "That I was unable to obtain"is clunky. Try something like, "that eluded me."
That's all I can tackle tonight. Good luck with it!