Graduate / 'theoretical and experiential learning' - essay about Accomplishment-MBA program [3]

Kevin, Thank you very much!

I got two more questions:

- 1, I really want to write more in this essay. However, they limited the words in 500. If I added in reaon why I set my long term goal, it will far exceeds the words. Do you think it is OK?

- 2 The first sentence, I have thought for a long time. Actually I don't want to start the sentence with: my name is XXX... I want to catch the admission officer's eye balls by the first sentence. You know, they are browsing hundreds of applications in one day. Do you really think it is too much commercial?

Thanks
KangChao

Please help. Is this better or worse?

Dear Mr. XXX,

I understand you are seeking a student that could diverse the school culture, an entrepreneur who might influence the business world, or a leader that shapes tomorrow's world. That's the reason I want to discussI would appreciate an opportunity to discuss your needs and objectives. The accomplishments noted in the below illustrate the value and needs I can bring to the school:

- Designed and developed an e-solution for XXX Corporation to resolve number and card resources management, resulting in multi million XXX savings for the company.
- Co-organize a donation campaign in my community to raise funds for children in XXX, a shelter that adopts children whose parents are criminals in prison

- Successfully finished my Master degree overseas.

One major accomplishment recently I felt proud of is that I organized a donation campaign in my community to raise funds for children in XXX, a shelter that adopts children whose parents are criminals in prison. When I first saw the situation in XXX, I decided to do something for the children there. So I wrote a vivid story on the community website to tell people about XXX. Soon, it got hundreds replies. Then I organized a trip to XXX with about 40 neighbors in my community. To make more contribution, we started a donation campaign to raise money for children and we found XXX, one of XXX's biggest dairy producers to sponsor it.

On top of that, as a skilled solution architect with an outstanding background in successful technology and e-business projects, I set myself a goal that establishes my own investment business on supporting small high tech companies. After three years working in XXX, I then realized that what I am doing now is turning me into an IT specialist. I have become aware that engineering training has not prepared me adequately to deal with the broad strategic questions. I need a professional training to sharpen my leadership sense, decision making skills and broaden my perspective of management. So I turned to MBA.

When I was looking at MBA programs, I was attracted by XXX's innovation track and its international focus. That's where I want to change myself and make a difference. As my aim is to run a successful investment company, I look forward to the opportunity to participate in a program, in which students not only discuss and analyze issues, but also practice leadership skills in seminars and workshops and solve actual problems. The XXX's mens et manus reflects the school's commitment to theoretical and experiential learning. That's where I want to refine my leadership abilities.

I would appreciate an interview to discuss the objectives and needs of the school and the ways I could contribute. Thanks for your consideration.
Sincerely,