anth2407
Sep 16, 2021
Writing Feedback / Public spending on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness and medical expenses [3]
I am going to take an IELTS test but my writing really worries me. Please help me with the words I should choose and give me feedback. It would be nice if you can assess my band score. Thank you!
1. Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill.
In the technology-driven era, modern machinery has seemingly made a paradigm shift in almost all aspects of human's lives leading to the rising concern about health-related problems. Many people side with the idea that government funding should be allocated to foster mankind's healthy style of living rather than focusing on curing intrinsically afflicted people, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to.
To a certain extent, presumably, the national budget should be expended upon the treatments for diseased individuals. Indeed, although our civilization has undergone fully-fledged changes in multitudinous facets of life, the divergence of income still remains a barrier for destitute people to obtain adequate medical care. Therefore, state funding is likely to act as a sound and solid foundation for themselves to better their health and enhance living standards.
Nonetheless, the consumption of public money on the purpose of inducing a healthy lifestyle is proved to be more judicious and favourable. The upgradation of the health support system, by innovating medical equipment and healthcare services, will raise greater awareness among the public. Furthermore, widely disseminating information regarding the merits deprived from striking a healthy balance between manifold aspects of life also contributes. As a consequence, these will enhance the overall well being of mankind as well as marking a groundbreaking progress in medical-related fields.
In conclusion, although allocating resources on assisting people struggling with diseases is a worth-honoured action, I would fully endorse that alloting funds to invest in fostering the public knowledge of healthcare is far more significant. Should the healthcare system be improved and human's mentality be concentrated, this will lead to the sustainable development of society in the long run.
I am going to take an IELTS test but my writing really worries me. Please help me with the words I should choose and give me feedback. It would be nice if you can assess my band score. Thank you!
1. Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the technology-driven era, modern machinery has seemingly made a paradigm shift in almost all aspects of human's lives leading to the rising concern about health-related problems. Many people side with the idea that government funding should be allocated to foster mankind's healthy style of living rather than focusing on curing intrinsically afflicted people, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to.
To a certain extent, presumably, the national budget should be expended upon the treatments for diseased individuals. Indeed, although our civilization has undergone fully-fledged changes in multitudinous facets of life, the divergence of income still remains a barrier for destitute people to obtain adequate medical care. Therefore, state funding is likely to act as a sound and solid foundation for themselves to better their health and enhance living standards.
Nonetheless, the consumption of public money on the purpose of inducing a healthy lifestyle is proved to be more judicious and favourable. The upgradation of the health support system, by innovating medical equipment and healthcare services, will raise greater awareness among the public. Furthermore, widely disseminating information regarding the merits deprived from striking a healthy balance between manifold aspects of life also contributes. As a consequence, these will enhance the overall well being of mankind as well as marking a groundbreaking progress in medical-related fields.
In conclusion, although allocating resources on assisting people struggling with diseases is a worth-honoured action, I would fully endorse that alloting funds to invest in fostering the public knowledge of healthcare is far more significant. Should the healthcare system be improved and human's mentality be concentrated, this will lead to the sustainable development of society in the long run.
