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Public spending on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness and medical expenses

anth2407 1 / -  
Sep 16, 2021   #1
I am going to take an IELTS test but my writing really worries me. Please help me with the words I should choose and give me feedback. It would be nice if you can assess my band score. Thank you!

1. Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the technology-driven era, modern machinery has seemingly made a paradigm shift in almost all aspects of human's lives leading to the rising concern about health-related problems. Many people side with the idea that government funding should be allocated to foster mankind's healthy style of living rather than focusing on curing intrinsically afflicted people, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to.

To a certain extent, presumably, the national budget should be expended upon the treatments for diseased individuals. Indeed, although our civilization has undergone fully-fledged changes in multitudinous facets of life, the divergence of income still remains a barrier for destitute people to obtain adequate medical care. Therefore, state funding is likely to act as a sound and solid foundation for themselves to better their health and enhance living standards.

Nonetheless, the consumption of public money on the purpose of inducing a healthy lifestyle is proved to be more judicious and favourable. The upgradation of the health support system, by innovating medical equipment and healthcare services, will raise greater awareness among the public. Furthermore, widely disseminating information regarding the merits deprived from striking a healthy balance between manifold aspects of life also contributes. As a consequence, these will enhance the overall well being of mankind as well as marking a groundbreaking progress in medical-related fields.

In conclusion, although allocating resources on assisting people struggling with diseases is a worth-honoured action, I would fully endorse that alloting funds to invest in fostering the public knowledge of healthcare is far more significant. Should the healthcare system be improved and human's mentality be concentrated, this will lead to the sustainable development of society in the long run.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,753 3795  
Sep 17, 2021   #2
In the technology-driven era...health-related problems.

This section does not add to the clarity of the paraphrase. It is totally unrelated and does not connect with restatement. The rephrasing can easily be composed of 2 sentences only. Provided that the first sentence is an accurate topic realalement and the second, is a proper opinion presentation. The latter sentence isthe only required and scorable aspects of this paragraph. However, since it is a run-on, the presentation is confusing. It should be presented as 2 sentences composed of independent ideas. Regardless, the opinion response is in the correct format.

To a certain extent, presumably,

When a whole. hearted response is provided, it cannot be changed midstream. This reflects confusion on the part of the writer, providing an opening for a failing score in terms of TA and C + C discussion considerations. Once an opinion is given in the thesis section, the whole essay must support it

* Contact me privately for scoring services.
monicaaa0017 4 / 10 2  
Sep 18, 2021   #3
For the introduction you can say like this:

It is often argued by some that spending public money to generate a health lifestyle is far more crucial than spending it to treat sick people. (Then you continue with your opinion whether you agree or disagree)

The paragraph 2 and 3 can be your reasons and the explanations

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