playtm300
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application [8]
thank you for your input :)
thank you for your input :)
playtm300
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "the challenges of life plus my condition" - my pizazz on college apps [6]
thank you for your input
thank you for your input
playtm300
Nov 10, 2009
Undergraduate / My mother escaping communism has shaped my aspirations; UC personal statement 1 [10]
i love your first paragraph amazing!!!!!!
i dont want to sound rude but u kinda miss the topic of the essay. u are to explain how your world made you want to seek out art degrees. that is the aim you want to take. you explain that your family is caring and loves you which excels you to want to do everything you want to do. That's great but misses the topic of how your family (since that seems to be your focus) made you want to pursue art. what did they do that inspired art in your life? u say u went to museums and art shows did your parents take you to those which inspired a love of art? that is something worth mentioning and incorporate an individual experience that happened which led you to want art in your life. was it a museum? you mom have art on the walls? you received an art book for the holidays?
oh a big NO NO do not ever call yourself average on an application because if you call yourself average they are gonna think your average. you dont want to be average u want to be unique and better!
Hope your apps go smooth.
i do like your essays though i enjoy reading them. all i want to do is try to help you cause i too am applying right now to UC's
i love your first paragraph amazing!!!!!!
i dont want to sound rude but u kinda miss the topic of the essay. u are to explain how your world made you want to seek out art degrees. that is the aim you want to take. you explain that your family is caring and loves you which excels you to want to do everything you want to do. That's great but misses the topic of how your family (since that seems to be your focus) made you want to pursue art. what did they do that inspired art in your life? u say u went to museums and art shows did your parents take you to those which inspired a love of art? that is something worth mentioning and incorporate an individual experience that happened which led you to want art in your life. was it a museum? you mom have art on the walls? you received an art book for the holidays?
oh a big NO NO do not ever call yourself average on an application because if you call yourself average they are gonna think your average. you dont want to be average u want to be unique and better!
Hope your apps go smooth.
i do like your essays though i enjoy reading them. all i want to do is try to help you cause i too am applying right now to UC's
playtm300
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "the challenges of life plus my condition" - my pizazz on college apps [6]
thank you i was unsure as to that topic in particular. i will definitely be changing that ty!
thank you i was unsure as to that topic in particular. i will definitely be changing that ty!
playtm300
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "the challenges of life plus my condition" - my pizazz on college apps [6]
Okay as many people are posting the UC application essay i am not very different i need any insight u have to give. ummmm grammar and spelling are NOT my thing so help with that would be greatly appreciated. Butcher the essay if you'd like but i'd like it to still be my work.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In the eighteen years of my existence I have lived among the ill, the disabled, and the unfortunate. I, personally, am a part of the disabled and have faced many challenges in my life. From the day of my diagnosis with Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Systemic JRA, I was told that I will never be able to succeed in life as this condition will hold me back, to a point where I can never function like a normal person. My goal was to prove this statement wrong. At the diagnosis of my condition I had to start methotrexate, chemotherapy, this challenged my life with uncontrollable bouts of sickness. My first year back to school with this disease, I missed sixty-three days of school and from that I knew my road in life would no longer be simple, but a constant struggle between balancing school, work, and my sickness. With my hopes dwindling, that I would never be able to function as a normal person, I was shown a summer camp with kids just like me with the same diseases and treatments. I attended this camp and took classes to deal with my arthritis in numerous ways to reduce the struggles upon my life, which resulted in me being able to stop all chemotherapy treatments as I took control of my life. This camp was a very influential part of my life as methods to deal with my illness are continuously used by me. On one of my later in life volunteer experiences, I volunteered at an elderly home. I entered the volunteer work just looking to complete volunteer credits and be done with such a program, but this home changed my life for all the days in my life to come. In that elderly home I was able to connect with people of conditions similar to mine as that of the summer camp. I showed them the same tricks that I was shown in my camp to reduce strain upon one's joints, to increase motion in the afflicted joints, and methods to reduce pain and suffering of one's self. After about a week all the seniors had gained new life and appeared to have washed away the sands of time from themselves. I enjoyed helping these elderly people and I feel I made a difference in their lives. On one day of work it was family day. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw grandparents running and playing with their grandchildren, something they had never been able to do before. This course of volunteer work was so influential upon me I continued to help people through my life and continue to this day.
I, to this very day, have had to deal with the challenges of life plus my condition. I was told that with my condition I would never be able to function like a normal person and I set out to prove them wrong. I believe I did what I said I would do. My personal gain from this life experience which I will grow with is that I have an absolute love of helping others. From this time I have decided that to be happy in life and to continue to endure happiness I need to be upon the end of giving help to others. So it would be in my benefit if I could be a doctor of any sort. I would be able to display my need to help others in way of challenging myself and proving that I can be normal by taking upon one of the hardest challenge of life, becoming a doctor that would benefit not only patients but in return myself.
Okay as many people are posting the UC application essay i am not very different i need any insight u have to give. ummmm grammar and spelling are NOT my thing so help with that would be greatly appreciated. Butcher the essay if you'd like but i'd like it to still be my work.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In the eighteen years of my existence I have lived among the ill, the disabled, and the unfortunate. I, personally, am a part of the disabled and have faced many challenges in my life. From the day of my diagnosis with Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Systemic JRA, I was told that I will never be able to succeed in life as this condition will hold me back, to a point where I can never function like a normal person. My goal was to prove this statement wrong. At the diagnosis of my condition I had to start methotrexate, chemotherapy, this challenged my life with uncontrollable bouts of sickness. My first year back to school with this disease, I missed sixty-three days of school and from that I knew my road in life would no longer be simple, but a constant struggle between balancing school, work, and my sickness. With my hopes dwindling, that I would never be able to function as a normal person, I was shown a summer camp with kids just like me with the same diseases and treatments. I attended this camp and took classes to deal with my arthritis in numerous ways to reduce the struggles upon my life, which resulted in me being able to stop all chemotherapy treatments as I took control of my life. This camp was a very influential part of my life as methods to deal with my illness are continuously used by me. On one of my later in life volunteer experiences, I volunteered at an elderly home. I entered the volunteer work just looking to complete volunteer credits and be done with such a program, but this home changed my life for all the days in my life to come. In that elderly home I was able to connect with people of conditions similar to mine as that of the summer camp. I showed them the same tricks that I was shown in my camp to reduce strain upon one's joints, to increase motion in the afflicted joints, and methods to reduce pain and suffering of one's self. After about a week all the seniors had gained new life and appeared to have washed away the sands of time from themselves. I enjoyed helping these elderly people and I feel I made a difference in their lives. On one day of work it was family day. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw grandparents running and playing with their grandchildren, something they had never been able to do before. This course of volunteer work was so influential upon me I continued to help people through my life and continue to this day.
I, to this very day, have had to deal with the challenges of life plus my condition. I was told that with my condition I would never be able to function like a normal person and I set out to prove them wrong. I believe I did what I said I would do. My personal gain from this life experience which I will grow with is that I have an absolute love of helping others. From this time I have decided that to be happy in life and to continue to endure happiness I need to be upon the end of giving help to others. So it would be in my benefit if I could be a doctor of any sort. I would be able to display my need to help others in way of challenging myself and proving that I can be normal by taking upon one of the hardest challenge of life, becoming a doctor that would benefit not only patients but in return myself.
playtm300
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / My mother escaping communism has shaped my aspirations; UC personal statement 1 [10]
no problem i hope it helped. if u want me to read it or need someone to bounce ideas off of u can email me at playtm300 good luck on your apps!
no problem i hope it helped. if u want me to read it or need someone to bounce ideas off of u can email me at playtm300 good luck on your apps!
playtm300
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / My mother escaping communism has shaped my aspirations; UC personal statement 1 [10]
This is a good essay. i have been to many UC application workshops and looked at other essays and this is good. You picked a clear topic and stuck with it through its entirety w/o going off track BUT!!! I wrote a similar essay and since i live down the street from UCR i asked and admissions counselor to look it over and they said it was great in the same sense i just told you. U need to incorporate more of yourself in the essays prompt one and two. I now know a lot about your mom and dad but i don't feel like i know anything about you personally. How has your parents being immigrants affected your aspirations? You say that u want to study art is this because your parents are big on art? is there an Asian influence among your wanting to study art? (like did your parents bring pottery with them and u were always exposed to it or paintings or something.) Why do you want to receive a degree in Art history? these are some thing you should address in your essay otherwise the grammar and spelling looks good to me but I'm not very good at that myself. Also ask you lit. teacher to look over your essay as a side thing. Teachers are always willing to help with these cause they want there students to go to college.
When the prompt says "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school" these are just things u can talk about but you want to be different be the person that shouts out on the page and makes the admission counselors think WOW!!! your world is many things daily life, influences in your life, a summer job. . . u want to use something that no one else has. something that makes you unique and sets you apart from the rest when i read it i saw that with the immigration thing but going back to what i said earlier i know all about your parents but not u...
just some things to think about and possibly incorporate into ur essay. i hope i helped.
This is a good essay. i have been to many UC application workshops and looked at other essays and this is good. You picked a clear topic and stuck with it through its entirety w/o going off track BUT!!! I wrote a similar essay and since i live down the street from UCR i asked and admissions counselor to look it over and they said it was great in the same sense i just told you. U need to incorporate more of yourself in the essays prompt one and two. I now know a lot about your mom and dad but i don't feel like i know anything about you personally. How has your parents being immigrants affected your aspirations? You say that u want to study art is this because your parents are big on art? is there an Asian influence among your wanting to study art? (like did your parents bring pottery with them and u were always exposed to it or paintings or something.) Why do you want to receive a degree in Art history? these are some thing you should address in your essay otherwise the grammar and spelling looks good to me but I'm not very good at that myself. Also ask you lit. teacher to look over your essay as a side thing. Teachers are always willing to help with these cause they want there students to go to college.
When the prompt says "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school" these are just things u can talk about but you want to be different be the person that shouts out on the page and makes the admission counselors think WOW!!! your world is many things daily life, influences in your life, a summer job. . . u want to use something that no one else has. something that makes you unique and sets you apart from the rest when i read it i saw that with the immigration thing but going back to what i said earlier i know all about your parents but not u...
just some things to think about and possibly incorporate into ur essay. i hope i helped.
playtm300
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application [8]
thanks a lot guys i like the emotion idea mustafa. ima see what i can do with that. (expressing my emotions isnt a strong point so . . . . u know ima do my best in that sense.)
something that threw me off was that you got still's disease from the essay? idk if u read it wrong or something but is it that misleading as to what i have? (Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis)
hanhdung i don't understand what you mean with present tense statement, throwing people off. Like i should set it in past or the future? i am unsure as to what you were saying.
thanks a lot guys i like the emotion idea mustafa. ima see what i can do with that. (expressing my emotions isnt a strong point so . . . . u know ima do my best in that sense.)
something that threw me off was that you got still's disease from the essay? idk if u read it wrong or something but is it that misleading as to what i have? (Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis)
hanhdung i don't understand what you mean with present tense statement, throwing people off. Like i should set it in past or the future? i am unsure as to what you were saying.
playtm300
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application [8]
Be as strong of a grader as possible critique everything and anything you feel needs changing. I need as many corrections as you can. and I only have 386 words to work with.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
We go through life day by day moment by moment and that's life. It isn't necessarily boring but it is definitely not exciting. Now, let us say that you have just been diagnosed with a life long illness. The illness is incurable, and causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis and all you can do is think of the pain you endure, your life is now no longer boring. This is my life and will be my life for days to come as I will probably never see or come into a cure for my disease because I suffer from Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. This experience of lifelong disability has given me one of the greatest qualities of my life, something that without it I could never be the person I am today or the future person I am to become. Perseverance is the definition of my life. I was told I would never amount to anything in my life because this illness, this disease, this disability would hold me so far back that achieving my goals and becoming successful would be impossible. I had no intention of accepting this brim reality and I still have no intention of accepting such a reality, so I took upon myself some of the most unthinkable dreams for any child at the age of 13 with Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. I set a course of rigorous schoolwork taking honors, AP, and IB courses to prove to those that said I would never succeed I can hang with the best and be better than the rest. My perseverance has allowed me to accomplish goals, enter the work force, and seek higher education from a young teenager to the almost adult I am today. Due to perseverance today I am always striving for better and greater, and I have yet to settle for the easy road and I still persevere to accomplish my goals no matter how disabled I become.
Be as strong of a grader as possible critique everything and anything you feel needs changing. I need as many corrections as you can. and I only have 386 words to work with.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
We go through life day by day moment by moment and that's life. It isn't necessarily boring but it is definitely not exciting. Now, let us say that you have just been diagnosed with a life long illness. The illness is incurable, and causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis and all you can do is think of the pain you endure, your life is now no longer boring. This is my life and will be my life for days to come as I will probably never see or come into a cure for my disease because I suffer from Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. This experience of lifelong disability has given me one of the greatest qualities of my life, something that without it I could never be the person I am today or the future person I am to become. Perseverance is the definition of my life. I was told I would never amount to anything in my life because this illness, this disease, this disability would hold me so far back that achieving my goals and becoming successful would be impossible. I had no intention of accepting this brim reality and I still have no intention of accepting such a reality, so I took upon myself some of the most unthinkable dreams for any child at the age of 13 with Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. I set a course of rigorous schoolwork taking honors, AP, and IB courses to prove to those that said I would never succeed I can hang with the best and be better than the rest. My perseverance has allowed me to accomplish goals, enter the work force, and seek higher education from a young teenager to the almost adult I am today. Due to perseverance today I am always striving for better and greater, and I have yet to settle for the easy road and I still persevere to accomplish my goals no matter how disabled I become.
