Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: ATTENTION SPANS [2]

Merged:

writing on topic: attention spans being affected by social media

- unprecedented technology-driven era: too complicated and confusing; not fully paraphrase the topic
- lead to the shortening in attentiveness: can sh orten people's concentration on work and study
- tremendously -> emotional words are not suggested in an academic essay
- The internet tremendously facilitates the demand for entertainment of all walks of life -> the internet plays a vital role in human life, especially in entertainment.

- To elaborate ... our concentration -> too long and confusing sentence, you should break it down -> watching engaging videos on social platforms for hours could give people great pleasure. This is because while watching those entertaining videos, their brains release a chemical called dopamine, which helps them be satisfied. Consequently, the demand for such recreational activities increases among individuals.

- Your example in the 1st paragraph is repetitive and useless in further explaining the idea. Instead, you should add some data/ research to make your essay more persuasive.

- Another point to consider is -> Moreover
- the idea in the 2nd paragraph is somehow similar to the 1st idea
CONCLUSION:
- your essay is too wordy, it has many unclear ideas, grammatical mistakes and some unsuitable words
- you should not use idioms in an academic essay
- you should add some data and research to support your main idea
- you should summarize all your ideas and add further comments in the conclusion part.