WRITING TASK 2:
Many today feel that attention spans are becoming shorter due to the prevalence of social media.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this unprecedented technology-driven era, many people hold the view that the emergence of cutting-edge online platforms leads to the shortening in attentiveness. From my perspective, I completely agree with this statement for several reasons. In the following paragraphs, I will clarify my position.
Admittedly, the Internet tremendously facilitates the demand for entertainment of all walks of life. As a result, they consider it as an indispensable informative and amusement tool that they cannot take their eyes off. To elaborate on this, constant display of stimulating content and engaging video games, catalyze dopamine rush which is the cause of more and more requirement for divertissement, cutting off our concentration. To cite an example, although people can be engrossed in social media for hours because of these advanced algorithms which find out what is suitable most for each person, they cannot pay heed to their work since working makes them feel drowsy and they are disrupted by the appearance of their technology devices.
Another point to consider is that the diversity of modern state of the art online platforms. Since the lure of these kinds of websites such as social media, gambling, gaming, violence, ... is a strong one, people keep on staring at the phone or computer screen. Whenever they lost interest in one website, they immediately detect another platform. Hence, it is inevitable that people's attention spans have been shortened considerably, people are most likely to not place a strong emphasis on their jobs but put more effort into trying to use networks. For instance, many people only follow their schedules for a short of time but much more using technology appliances, constantly scroll down the screen, using numerous of apps or websites.
In conclusion, I reiterate that there are number of strong factors supporting that the shorten in our attention is due to the social media. Therefore, people should be aware of their time using internet and organize a firmly schedule to prevent this situation.Merged:
writing on topic: attention spans being affected by social media
- unprecedented technology-driven era: too complicated and confusing; not fully paraphrase the topic
- lead to the shortening in attentiveness: can sh orten people's concentration on work and study
- tremendously -> emotional words are not suggested in an academic essay
- The internet tremendously facilitates the demand for entertainment of all walks of life -> the internet plays a vital role in human life, especially in entertainment.
- To elaborate ... our concentration -> too long and confusing sentence, you should break it down -> watching engaging videos on social platforms for hours could give people great pleasure. This is because while watching those entertaining videos, their brains release a chemical called dopamine, which helps them be satisfied. Consequently, the demand for such recreational activities increases among individuals.
- Your example in the 1st paragraph is repetitive and useless in further explaining the idea. Instead, you should add some data/ research to make your essay more persuasive.
- Another point to consider is -> Moreover
- the idea in the 2nd paragraph is somehow similar to the 1st idea
CONCLUSION:
- your essay is too wordy, it has many unclear ideas, grammatical mistakes and some unsuitable words
- you should not use idioms in an academic essay
- you should add some data and research to support your main idea
- you should summarize all your ideas and add further comments in the conclusion part.