Grace
Nov 27, 2009
Undergraduate / I stand at the center of the field- Field Hockey;personal quality, talent [3]
Okay thanks, that makes sense =)
Okay thanks, that makes sense =)
Grace
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / My school's cheerleading team - UC Prompt [6]
Their laughter and looks of confidence were really starting to bring down my own personal confidence.
don't use 'confidence' twice in one sentence
I blew my last 3 years by not trying out and I wasn't going to let this chance slip by me again. I was finally going to try out for my school's cheerleading team.
'blew' my last 3 years? maybe change the wording. and you used 'trying out' in the first sentence, and then 'try out' again in the 2nd sentence. change one of them to avoid repetition.
Overall, it's an interesting essay but look for areas where you have repeated yourself and get rid of those. Good luck!
Their laughter and looks of confidence were really starting to bring down my own personal confidence.
don't use 'confidence' twice in one sentence
I blew my last 3 years by not trying out and I wasn't going to let this chance slip by me again. I was finally going to try out for my school's cheerleading team.
'blew' my last 3 years? maybe change the wording. and you used 'trying out' in the first sentence, and then 'try out' again in the 2nd sentence. change one of them to avoid repetition.
Overall, it's an interesting essay but look for areas where you have repeated yourself and get rid of those. Good luck!
Grace
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / I stand at the center of the field- Field Hockey;personal quality, talent [3]
I'm kind of unsure whether or not this essay addresses the prompt directly and if it's any good. Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I stand at the center of the field. The universe, marked within these white lines, swallows all space, time, matter and energy. Every second translates to an hour as the ball lies on the ground, waiting attentively for my next move. My grip tightens around my hockey stick.
The opponents begin to charge towards me, as if I am in the frontline of a war. Their pounding footsteps taunt me, shooting tension through my veins. The blood pounds to my head, obliterating all my thoughts. Every sense becomes amplified to its fullest extent as the sweat trickles down my arms, onto the very tip of my fingers.
Taking one deep breath, I begin my first step. Each muscle strains in unison, working to move me yet another step. With a swift drag of my stick, the ball fastens closely to my stick, like a loyal friend attaches to us, in the face of danger. I accelerate, penetrating these invisible barriers, moving closer to mental and physical liberation. Weaving between channels, the hockey pitch becomes a labyrinth to my eyes.
Through the corner of my eye, I see an obstacle approaching. My pace decreases slightly, like an animal, nearing its prey. The opponent arches her back and lowers her hockey stick, giving me an ultimatum. But I do not concede. In a split second, calculations flash through my head, like a sudden streak of lightning. An abrupt twist of my left hand, I turn the ball unexpectedly. With precision and perfection, the obstacle can be overcome with a mere flick of the wrist.
Intoxicated by my determination, I plunge closer and closer to the goal. My surroundings blur into shades of grey as the target begins to swallow me in. Suddenly, the whistle sounds and I am brought back to reality. "Girls, come over! Thank you all for attending today's trials." We drag our worn bodies over to the chairwoman of the Hong Kong hockey association. She greets us warmly as we each stand staring, waiting, anticipating. Names begin to flow from her lips as if they are a secret remedy to cure our trembling hands. "Evie Lant, Grace... Lant." My heart drops a beat. The list continues as I hold my breath. I begin to run out of oxygen as my eyes oscillate wearingly. The night has suddenly become cold.
"Grace Lea." My name echoes through the darkness, reviving a single spark. The heat inside me begins to rise, and I slowly lift my head. All air returns to my lungs, racing upwards likes a victory flag. I splutter out an astonished gasp. I have been selected for the Hong Kong under 18s National field hockey squad!
After my trials, I sit, staring at the hockey pitch. Within these white boundary lines, there are no limits. There is only determination and perseverance. Each touch of the ball must be accompanied with belief, precision and fortitude. Hockey is no longer just a physical sport; it has evolved into a challenging endeavor of facing fears and testing boundaries. It can teach life lessons.
As the lights begin to dim, I stand up too suddenly and my muscles give in. Collapsed on the floor, I laugh to myself. Taking comfort in my aching muscles as an indication of my aptitude, I know I have exceeded my limits today. I have conquered my fears. "I am the master of my fate."
I'm kind of unsure whether or not this essay addresses the prompt directly and if it's any good. Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I stand at the center of the field. The universe, marked within these white lines, swallows all space, time, matter and energy. Every second translates to an hour as the ball lies on the ground, waiting attentively for my next move. My grip tightens around my hockey stick.
The opponents begin to charge towards me, as if I am in the frontline of a war. Their pounding footsteps taunt me, shooting tension through my veins. The blood pounds to my head, obliterating all my thoughts. Every sense becomes amplified to its fullest extent as the sweat trickles down my arms, onto the very tip of my fingers.
Taking one deep breath, I begin my first step. Each muscle strains in unison, working to move me yet another step. With a swift drag of my stick, the ball fastens closely to my stick, like a loyal friend attaches to us, in the face of danger. I accelerate, penetrating these invisible barriers, moving closer to mental and physical liberation. Weaving between channels, the hockey pitch becomes a labyrinth to my eyes.
Through the corner of my eye, I see an obstacle approaching. My pace decreases slightly, like an animal, nearing its prey. The opponent arches her back and lowers her hockey stick, giving me an ultimatum. But I do not concede. In a split second, calculations flash through my head, like a sudden streak of lightning. An abrupt twist of my left hand, I turn the ball unexpectedly. With precision and perfection, the obstacle can be overcome with a mere flick of the wrist.
Intoxicated by my determination, I plunge closer and closer to the goal. My surroundings blur into shades of grey as the target begins to swallow me in. Suddenly, the whistle sounds and I am brought back to reality. "Girls, come over! Thank you all for attending today's trials." We drag our worn bodies over to the chairwoman of the Hong Kong hockey association. She greets us warmly as we each stand staring, waiting, anticipating. Names begin to flow from her lips as if they are a secret remedy to cure our trembling hands. "Evie Lant, Grace... Lant." My heart drops a beat. The list continues as I hold my breath. I begin to run out of oxygen as my eyes oscillate wearingly. The night has suddenly become cold.
"Grace Lea." My name echoes through the darkness, reviving a single spark. The heat inside me begins to rise, and I slowly lift my head. All air returns to my lungs, racing upwards likes a victory flag. I splutter out an astonished gasp. I have been selected for the Hong Kong under 18s National field hockey squad!
After my trials, I sit, staring at the hockey pitch. Within these white boundary lines, there are no limits. There is only determination and perseverance. Each touch of the ball must be accompanied with belief, precision and fortitude. Hockey is no longer just a physical sport; it has evolved into a challenging endeavor of facing fears and testing boundaries. It can teach life lessons.
As the lights begin to dim, I stand up too suddenly and my muscles give in. Collapsed on the floor, I laugh to myself. Taking comfort in my aching muscles as an indication of my aptitude, I know I have exceeded my limits today. I have conquered my fears. "I am the master of my fate."