Please let me know what you think...is it too general? At what parts should it be more specific...or less specific? It is 640 words...and my 1st essay is about 703...definitely need to do some crunching. Please help me out!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I remember myself slightly trembling with sweat rising along my forehead as I walked into the large gym with over 50 other teenage girls. Their laughter and looks of confidence were really starting to bring down my own personal confidence. I started to question if I really wanted to do this, but quickly realized that this was my final chance. I blew my last 3 years by not trying out and I wasn't going to let this chance slip by me again. I was finally going to try out for my school's cheerleading team.
In the past, I had always seemed to be the kind of person that never attempted to participate in an artistic or creative activity because I thought I did not have the talent. As a result, I let many dancing opportunities pass me by. I was afraid of rejection and never thought I would be as good as other people who were participants in dance since they were very young. But this time, I was going to make myself change and work up the courage to make the team.
The senior cheerleaders that were soon graduating were in charge of the tryouts. We were to learn an entire dance routine, two sideline cheers, and 3 basic jumps to test our flexibility. We were to perform all of these tasks alone in front of the entire group at the end of the week.
The end of the week finally came and it was my time to shine. I had really pushed myself to memorizing these moves and training myself on my facial expressions in order to make myself look more optimistic and confident. When they called my name to go up, I performed what I was taught with everything I had, wanting to prove to them that I truly did care about making the squad and I would make a great addition to the team because I was willing to learn and work.Is this cliche-ish?
The results of the tryouts were posted online the next Monday morning. I eagerly scrolled through the list of girls who had made it and finally saw my name on the Varsity Squad list. I was ecstatic and more than excited to start practices that summer.
The 3-hour long practices in the summer were pretty tough but I really learned a lot, pushed myself to get into better shape, tried my best to become the best dancer that I could. I guess my hard work and dedication showed because about a month after practices started, my coaches approached me and asked if I would like to become co-captain of the squad as my first year on Varsity. The level of excitement that I had was indescribable and I was so excited to be given the opportunity to lead the team. I then knew I had the potential to do something great with the team.Is this too informal...?
Throughout this past season, we have cheered at 9 out of 10 of the games and performed in front of the entire student body about 5 times. My past responsibilities this football season included making choreography, music mixes, formations, and sideline cheers for the Varsity and Junior Varsity teams. In previous years, Rally Squad did not have a great reputation because the routines were bland and the cheerleaders didn't help to rally up crowds during games and other big events. This year, however, was different. My coaches and I have been approached by the student body, athletic directors, and even an NFL Raiderette explaining to us how great of a team we have become and how much we have improved.
Even though I deeply regret not joining the squad sooner, I am so grateful that I have been a part of this Rally Squad family and that I have helped the program to grow and gain more respect.
is my ending too abrupt? Any ideas on how to end this
ANY sort of help would be appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.
first of all you need to let some sentences go. some of them are not that important.i also think that you took too much time explaining the accomplishment and not enough time to talk about how it made you who you are today. but overall it was a good essay and i enjoyed reading it. keep up the good work girl!
hope this kinda helps
I started to rethink the question of whether I really wanted to do this, but quickly realized that this was my final chance. I had blown my chance throughout the previous three years by not trying out, and I...
willing to learn and work is not too cliche-ish. Those are important qualities for college students. My main criticism for this ssay is that it is a little be simplistic; the theme seems to be "perseverance," in the sense that you wanted to give up but pressed on... but there is also a theme of "not missing opportunities," or "not hesitating." If you develop those themes more at the beginning of the essay, you will be able to discuss them more at the end. Someone who does not hesitate might make mistakes, but someone who is not afraid to take a chance does not have to regret not trying.
Their laughter and looks of confidence were really starting to bring down my own personal confidence.
don't use 'confidence' twice in one sentence
I blew my last 3 years by not trying out and I wasn't going to let this chance slip by me again. I was finally going to try out for my school's cheerleading team.
'blew' my last 3 years? maybe change the wording. and you used 'trying out' in the first sentence, and then 'try out' again in the 2nd sentence. change one of them to avoid repetition.
Overall, it's an interesting essay but look for areas where you have repeated yourself and get rid of those. Good luck!
Great essay overall. I agree that some parts should be shortened. The ending should be more specific on how these skill that you have learned will help you in the future.
Good luck!
Thanks so much everyone! All of these edits really help! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!
