DanNguyen
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "being immigrants to America from Vietnam" - my UC Personal Statement; the world you come from essay [5]
Two essays on the same topic. Need comparing on which is better.
Topic - Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My new essay has too many words. Please find unnecessary parts that can be deleted or parts that where words can be reduced.
Felt no confidence so I wrote a new one.
Although my aspirations were established on several factors, the people I met significantly influenced my decisions. After residing in California since birth and being acclimated to the environment, I yearn for pathways to my dreams that permit me to remain in California. Medical practitioners, specifically pharmacists, intrigued me since youth. The satisfaction of healing others while eluding unsanitary tasks appealed to me.
As a child, I had an intense desire to witness others being physically injured. Elementary school with students at their hyperactive ages fulfilled my atrocious cravings. Students would participate in their activities and eventually wound themselves. Although villainous, students would aggregate and enjoy watching others weep and writhe in pain. I was always present whenever another student was wounded and whimpering. Eventually, my attendance at these playground disasters became habitual. Ultimately, gruesome accidents such as sprains, gore, and vomiting occurred. Repulsive years of elementary school produced the world of putridity and trauma I experienced. Another childhood habit of mine was reading the information off products after every excursion to the supermarket. This habit originated by observing this destitute man who pleaded at a neighboring business district. The derelict would read everything on the packaging of the food he consumed. At the age of six where schoolwork was completed when I returned home, boredom was inevitable. Deciding to mimic the bum's actions out of banality, it became a tendency. Subsequently, I was familiarized with nutrition and drug facts during youth.
Healing people appealed to me and became my ambition since childhood. I remember a fellow student back in first grade who stumbled and injured his foot. Due to my inclination to be present at injuries, I witnessed and was traumatized by his foot being convoluted in a way that it was almost perpendicular to his leg. Approximately after a month, he returned completely capable of walking without difficulty and had an appropriately positioned foot. From an injury that seemed permanent to completely mended, I was astounded by this magical event. His recovery established my dream of becoming a doctor. Dreams not always occurring as desired, my goal is merely to heal people directly or indirectly.
My dreams were annihilated after learning the requirements, rigorous work, and sacrifice needed to become a doctor. Eventually, the world I came from motivated me to continue pursuing my dream. In third grade, my friend was snacking on a package of dried squid from Korea. As he consumed his snack, he had his first encounter with a packet of silica gel. Unfamiliar of what the packet is and the Korean text, he assumed that it was salt to eat his squids with. Fortunately, I was familiar with packets of silica gel and its hazards due to my knowledge of drug facts I obtained. I prevented the consumption of the poison and saved a life. After suffering from a severe headache, my mother who doesn't understand the drug facts in English assumed it was safe to take eight pills of medicine. Another life was saved when by knowing eight wasn't an appropriate dosage from my drug knowledge. As tests of masculinity, I've seen videos and pictures of gore such as amputations, severe injuries, diseases, animal cruelty, and more. Some people cried, vomited, or refrained from participating. There was miniscule effect on me due to being accustomed to this since elementary school. I felt motivated knowing that I was able to endure extreme gore when people abandon the career of a doctor due to the bloodshed. The world I grew up in prepared me for my dreams and goals.
Two essays on the same topic. Need comparing on which is better.
Topic - Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My new essay has too many words. Please find unnecessary parts that can be deleted or parts that where words can be reduced.
Felt no confidence so I wrote a new one.
Although my aspirations were established on several factors, the people I met significantly influenced my decisions. After residing in California since birth and being acclimated to the environment, I yearn for pathways to my dreams that permit me to remain in California. Medical practitioners, specifically pharmacists, intrigued me since youth. The satisfaction of healing others while eluding unsanitary tasks appealed to me.
As a child, I had an intense desire to witness others being physically injured. Elementary school with students at their hyperactive ages fulfilled my atrocious cravings. Students would participate in their activities and eventually wound themselves. Although villainous, students would aggregate and enjoy watching others weep and writhe in pain. I was always present whenever another student was wounded and whimpering. Eventually, my attendance at these playground disasters became habitual. Ultimately, gruesome accidents such as sprains, gore, and vomiting occurred. Repulsive years of elementary school produced the world of putridity and trauma I experienced. Another childhood habit of mine was reading the information off products after every excursion to the supermarket. This habit originated by observing this destitute man who pleaded at a neighboring business district. The derelict would read everything on the packaging of the food he consumed. At the age of six where schoolwork was completed when I returned home, boredom was inevitable. Deciding to mimic the bum's actions out of banality, it became a tendency. Subsequently, I was familiarized with nutrition and drug facts during youth.
Healing people appealed to me and became my ambition since childhood. I remember a fellow student back in first grade who stumbled and injured his foot. Due to my inclination to be present at injuries, I witnessed and was traumatized by his foot being convoluted in a way that it was almost perpendicular to his leg. Approximately after a month, he returned completely capable of walking without difficulty and had an appropriately positioned foot. From an injury that seemed permanent to completely mended, I was astounded by this magical event. His recovery established my dream of becoming a doctor. Dreams not always occurring as desired, my goal is merely to heal people directly or indirectly.
My dreams were annihilated after learning the requirements, rigorous work, and sacrifice needed to become a doctor. Eventually, the world I came from motivated me to continue pursuing my dream. In third grade, my friend was snacking on a package of dried squid from Korea. As he consumed his snack, he had his first encounter with a packet of silica gel. Unfamiliar of what the packet is and the Korean text, he assumed that it was salt to eat his squids with. Fortunately, I was familiar with packets of silica gel and its hazards due to my knowledge of drug facts I obtained. I prevented the consumption of the poison and saved a life. After suffering from a severe headache, my mother who doesn't understand the drug facts in English assumed it was safe to take eight pills of medicine. Another life was saved when by knowing eight wasn't an appropriate dosage from my drug knowledge. As tests of masculinity, I've seen videos and pictures of gore such as amputations, severe injuries, diseases, animal cruelty, and more. Some people cried, vomited, or refrained from participating. There was miniscule effect on me due to being accustomed to this since elementary school. I felt motivated knowing that I was able to endure extreme gore when people abandon the career of a doctor due to the bloodshed. The world I grew up in prepared me for my dreams and goals.
