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My schools have been my second homes; UC/ World I come from

cryingpiggy 3 / 5  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
PROMPT Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Till this day, I still remember the Youth Day celebration in Grade 7. The excitement and pride of saying goodbye to childhood still burned like a flame when I thought of that day. My school rock band, slamming on electric guitars and drums, sang out the hearts and souls of every teenager present: we were the new generation! It is at school where I feel my heart throbbing together with my schoolmates, where I explore and set out to achieve my dreams and aspirations.

When I was in elementary school, my dream was to be a writer. I remember browsing through rows and rows of books in the school library, then eventually the national library, devouring and digesting all the sweet nutrients from books. Everyday I spent hours in front of my computer, trying to conjure up beautiful works with language.

As I stepped into junior high, I aspired to become an artist. After enrolling in the Art Elective Program at school, art seriously inched into my life as an inseparable part. I dabbed in all sorts of art: from 2D to 3D, from paper to computer, from black and white to swirling colors. I had never felt so much satisfaction when I smiled proudly at my masterpieces.

However, I had to put away my notebooks and palettes when I entered senior high, due to limited resources and time in boarding school, but this was the time when I really matured. I gained social awareness; my perspective was not just my little world anymore. I began to seek answers to some phenomena I did not even bother to know years ago. I began to see the real, big world. Now, I still love writing and drawing, but I have also developed another aspirationï I want to contribute, no matter how small, to the welfare of this world.

For 15 years of my life, from kindergarten to high school,my schools have been my second home. From the wide-eyed and shy girl I was when I first arrived at the front gate of primary school, I have grown up to become a confident, determined and aspiring young adult. I can't put in words how I am grateful for an education; I will just conclude this experience with a famous saying: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." My beginning stepsïmy schoolsïhave aided me to discover my dreams and aspirations, and shall aid me to offer the world my talent.

DanNguyen 1 / 3  
Nov 28, 2009   #2
I feel that your writing is lacking directness and specificness. Your form of artistic writing is great especially on a personal statement because it shows your character. Try to incorporate more detail in vague spots. I'm jealous of your writing. Good luck.
OP cryingpiggy 3 / 5  
Nov 28, 2009   #3
Thanks!!!! but which parts are vague? my friend told me the same thing, but i dont really know where to edit...
jampamz 6 / 33  
Nov 29, 2009   #4
All of your paragraphs are wonderfully written. However, I was a bit confused when reading your essay because your first paragraph was about music, the second about writing, the third about painting and the 5th and 6th about how you want to change the world but you don't say how. In other words, each paragraph seems to belong to a different essay.

"I want to contribute, no matter how small, to the welfare of this world." What do you aim to contribute? It would be especially good if your answer related to your intended major.

Good luck!

And please give me feedback on my essay :)

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