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Posts by Alex728
Joined: Dec 13, 2009
Last Post: Dec 26, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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Alex728   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answer #2- Things my Roommate needs to know [8]

Yes, this was quite challenging, but I feel that the essays are better now.
Ok, I've made revisions to the roommate essay and the 'why Stanford' essay. I'm still not done with the intellectual essay, but I think I'm going to use your music theory idea.

To anyone who wants to help me edit these:Please post feedback quickly! I have to go out of the country on the 27th, so I need all my essays to be done by then.
Alex728   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "I think you should join the Marching Band." It has come to symbolize many things for me [3]

"I think you should join the Marching Band."

In freshman year of High School, I played the clarinet in the concert band. My friend Roldan had been pestering me since the 8th Grade to join the marching band. He told me about how much fun his brother Ronald had, and that their marching shows were "sick", is slang for "awesome." His explanations were vague, but the band had once marched a show set to the music of "Gladiator." This piqued my interest; I liked Gladiator, and I reasoned that any organization that also liked Gladiator must be pretty cool. I decided to join.

What Roldan had neglected to tell me about the time commitment. The band practiced beginning in the middle of the summer, and they devoted a full week to summer practice. During the school year, they practice every day of the week, except Wednesdays and Sundays. I balked; there was no way that I was going to give up my precious Saturdays to this organization. So, I quit.

I regretted my decision, and I told myself I wouldn't be able to handle the workload, and that I wouldn't learn how to march in time to perform the show. The truth is I was simply scared of pushing myself and being outside my comfort zone. Because, for most of my life until this point, I had simply coasted through life, never putting much effort into anything. And, whenever I attempted anything that might remotely challenge me, I ran away, and made up excuses to convince myself that I had made the right decision.

Only this time, I knew I had not made the right choice, and I could not bring myself to believe the excuses I told other people. I knew if I didn't correct my mistake, I would regret it, and I realized that if I continued to run from challenges, I would never achieve anything worthwhile in life. I rejoined the following year, and this time I was determined not to quit, no matter how uncomfortable or challenging the situation was.

Rejoining the band was one of the best decisions I have ever made; Marching Band turned out to be the most fulfilling experience of my life. Yes, it was hard, and yes, there were times when I considered quitting. But I stuck with it, and through Marching Band, I learned not the expect instant gratification, and realized that dedicating myself fully to something will result in an eventual payoff far more gratifying. I then applied this philosophy to the rest of my life; I took two AP Classes the following year, which challenged me like no class had before.

Marching Band has come to symbolize many things to me. My first foray into the organization represents who I used to be: insecure, lazy, and unwilling to push myself beyond what was necessary. Fittingly, it ended in failure. My second attempt represents the start of my transformation into who I am today. Because of the Marching Band, I am more confident, I accept the responsibilities placed upon me, whether in band or school, and I seek to challenge myself. I am not perfect, and I struggle, but now I try to better myself, and I have confidence in my ability to achieve my goals.

And... it all started with the Marching Band.

I originally wrote this for the UC apps, and I'm thinking about rewriting parts of it. Any thoughts?
Alex728   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app short answer - research internship at a hospital [3]

It certainly is creative, but it seems a bit too rushed towards the end, due to the 150 word count limit. The lengthy intro seems more fitting for a longer essay, since it takes up so much of the word count, that you have hardly any words left for reflection. Overall though, it does answer the prompt, but I would try to shorten the intro so that you can have more room to add more descriptions.
Alex728   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: About me. Acting. [6]

I like how it is full of imagery, but I really don't get the sense of who you are at all behind it. The images don't really describe a person as far as I can tell, maybe you should try finding images that describe you more clearly? Or at least find a way to relate your connection with these essays better. Overall, I see where you were going with this, I just think that it needs some work.
Alex728   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answer #2- Things my Roommate needs to know [8]

Thank you for all the feedback! I switched the order of the second and third paragraphs, since I feel that the concluding sentence fits better with the politics paragraph, and I have made various changes to it.
Alex728   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answer #2- Things my Roommate needs to know [8]

2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

The first thing I'd like my future roommate to know is that I have a deep love for music in general. I have been a musician since I was young, and I have come to believe that music is the rawest expression of emotion possible. Listening to music is very cathartic for me, since it can calm me down after a stressful day, or give me the energy to complete a difficult task. I generally prefer Indie rock, but I can listen to anything, from Hip Hop to Dvorak's New World Symphony, and still enjoy it. I love singing along with my favorite Death Cab for Cutie songs, but I apologize in advance, for singing is not my strong suit.

I have a very introverted personality. It takes me a while to get used to a person, and be able to open up to them. I know that things will be awkward initially, but I will open up eventually, and I'll show that I am actually quite an engaging person. I can actually be quite loud and energetic when I'm with friends, and I can hold a conversation, but spending time alone with my thoughts comes more naturally for me. This makes me a good listener, and it also means that our conversations will be far more meaningful, if less frequent, because they will not be filled with idle talk.

I also love talking about politics, which I find fascinating. I always jump at a chance to discuss the issues facing America, and I especially love finding people whose views differ from mine, since this almost always leads to a lively political debate. I love being able to gain insight into the thought behind opinions that differ from my own, since it allows me to become more accepting of the point of view of the opposing side. I am open to all types of people, and I am sure that my future roommate and I will become friends, or at least learn to live with each other peacefully.

I also completed the other two prompts, and if any of you wouldnt mind reading and commenting on them as well, it is greatly appreciated. I wasn't sure if I should post them here, or create an entirely different thread for them, so I just decided to post them here, and I'll move them to another thread if I have to.

Anyways, here they are:

1. Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

For this topic, I chose to write about my fascination with the English language. I set out to write about it, and I was nearly halfway done...

...And then I changed my mind; now I was going to write about the controversy over abortion rights, and how debating over it with a friend.

...or perhaps it should be about the health care debate, or a scene from Benjamin Button that allowed me to see how connected everybody and everything really is.

The more I attempted to write about just one topic, the more my mind would be pulled away by ideas for another topic, so I would start another essay. And then, three hours later, I left with a multitude of half finished essays, but none of them seemed right. They all felt incomplete, because to simply focus on one thing that has sparked my mind would be to ignore all the other brilliant ideas that have fascinated as well.

And that's when I realized what I should write about: the essay topic itself. By attempting to answer this prompt, my brain has been engaged in so many unrelated ways, and I have made so many connections on my own, that it is far more intellectually engaging than any one topic could be. In the span of almost four hours, I have gone from debating within myself whether or not an unborn fetus is considered a life, to trying to imagine the unseen repercussions something as simple as a falling leaf can have on the world. I have put myself in a conservative's shoes, so that I can fully understand the health care debate, and I have tried to compress the emotional high felt after my last marching band show into the constricting walls of words and sentences, and I have found myself unable to do so. Because of this essay topic, I have been forced to take my beliefs and experiences, and lay them bare for everyone to see. And, above all else, it has sparked my mind, and led it on a journey of thought and discovery, like few other essay topics have.

Now, if I could only hurry up and write the damned thing...

3. Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you

Stanford, out of all the schools I have applied to, is the only school where my ambitions in life can be fully met, and where I will be pushed to the limits of abilities.

Stanford emphasizes individuality and innovation, and because of this, it has a history of taking young, promising students, and shaping them into upstanding leaders of society. At Stanford, I will be able to develop and advance from who I am now, into someone who is fully equipped to serve society to his fullest. It is a place where I will be pushed to not merely learn, but to excel, and it will prepare me for the real world more than any other university can. At Stanford, I will no longer be just another member in the faceless mass of society, but I will become a distinguished individual, who will serve society to the best of his abilities.

I also love how much smaller and more personal Stanford classes are compared to most public universities. I learn better when I have personal feedback from the teacher, and I believe that a larger, more impersonal classroom would be a bit stifling for me.

I have heard that the students attending Stanford are generally the happiest in the country. From what I have been told, the community at Stanford is very welcoming and close knit. I would rather go to a school that is fun and encouraging than to a school where everyone is competitive to the point of unhappiness, and everyone views each other as a threat. I think its great that everyone at Stanford is so warm and caring, because school is stressful enough, without having to deal with overblown egos and cut-throat competitiveness. I have wanted to attend Stanford since I was young, and I can already tell that it will be like a second home to me, as it is a place where I will be encouraged to be individual, and where I can shape myself into somebody who truly benefits society.

Personally, I think that my essay for the third prompt is by far the weakest, cause it feels a bit empty to me, but I'm lost at any ways to improve it. Thanks in advance (:
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