fahdh2
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / regional Science Olympiad - "How Did You Get Caught?" Essay [4]
How can I improve my essay (diction, syntax, grammar, anything really)? I received a suggestion to focus ONLY on my trip to Pakistan; should I take this advice into consideration?
Thank you in advance!
How Did I Get Caught?
Throughout my brief and inexperienced, yet thoroughly eventful 17 years of life, I have been caught in a whirlpool of emotion at the defining stages of my life. At the regional Science Olympiad in middle school, I fortunately placed second in insect identification and third in my favorite subject, human anatomy and physiology, catching me in the confidence of my intelligence. I ran my first sub-5 minute mile in my junior year of high school, catching me in the triumph of my athletic prowess. This year I realized that, after 12 years of schooling, after reading my teacher recommendations, through the teacher's perspective, I am a rare, well-mannered student as I desire complete comprehension of material and exhibit thorough thinking when evaluating a problem, considering all relevant possibilities to the answer, catching me in the fruition of my character. These events are very auspicious, but have all resulted in relatively small, relatively egocentric realizations which would only form the individual I am today. Presently, I feel it is my responsibility to benefit society by providing opportunities for other, less fortunate people to become caught in their own web of satisfaction. What truly instigated this altruistic goal was that having returned to my parent's homeland in third-world Pakistan in the urban city of Lahore during the summer following seventh grade, with the setting of poverty overwhelmingly prevalent, I-for the first time in my life-felt genuine pity for the impoverished people I observed walking the streets with the tinge of hopelessness in their eyes, begging for money and food from the blessedly prosperous people in cars, sleeping on the side of dirty, dusty streets, lacking even the hygienic conditions to which I was so accustomed that I assumed those to be absolute commonplace. As the witness of such destitute conditions, I desired to aid these people to achieve a more developed human condition, and now I have always harbored this goal in mind, as it is for me of utmost importance. In the grand scheme of my future, becoming a doctor is really just secondary to this ambition because, in order to fulfill such an aspiration, medical knowledge I would attain in my path to maturing into a physician is necessary to the medical expansion I envision in third-world countries: the opening of hospitals, the delivering and administering of vaccinations for deadly, yet easily treatable diseases, and the availability of innovative and modern medical technology. It is my colossal hope to compassionately catch and fulfill the medical bankruptcy of the exhausted people in developing countries.
How can I improve my essay (diction, syntax, grammar, anything really)? I received a suggestion to focus ONLY on my trip to Pakistan; should I take this advice into consideration?
Thank you in advance!
How Did I Get Caught?
Throughout my brief and inexperienced, yet thoroughly eventful 17 years of life, I have been caught in a whirlpool of emotion at the defining stages of my life. At the regional Science Olympiad in middle school, I fortunately placed second in insect identification and third in my favorite subject, human anatomy and physiology, catching me in the confidence of my intelligence. I ran my first sub-5 minute mile in my junior year of high school, catching me in the triumph of my athletic prowess. This year I realized that, after 12 years of schooling, after reading my teacher recommendations, through the teacher's perspective, I am a rare, well-mannered student as I desire complete comprehension of material and exhibit thorough thinking when evaluating a problem, considering all relevant possibilities to the answer, catching me in the fruition of my character. These events are very auspicious, but have all resulted in relatively small, relatively egocentric realizations which would only form the individual I am today. Presently, I feel it is my responsibility to benefit society by providing opportunities for other, less fortunate people to become caught in their own web of satisfaction. What truly instigated this altruistic goal was that having returned to my parent's homeland in third-world Pakistan in the urban city of Lahore during the summer following seventh grade, with the setting of poverty overwhelmingly prevalent, I-for the first time in my life-felt genuine pity for the impoverished people I observed walking the streets with the tinge of hopelessness in their eyes, begging for money and food from the blessedly prosperous people in cars, sleeping on the side of dirty, dusty streets, lacking even the hygienic conditions to which I was so accustomed that I assumed those to be absolute commonplace. As the witness of such destitute conditions, I desired to aid these people to achieve a more developed human condition, and now I have always harbored this goal in mind, as it is for me of utmost importance. In the grand scheme of my future, becoming a doctor is really just secondary to this ambition because, in order to fulfill such an aspiration, medical knowledge I would attain in my path to maturing into a physician is necessary to the medical expansion I envision in third-world countries: the opening of hospitals, the delivering and administering of vaccinations for deadly, yet easily treatable diseases, and the availability of innovative and modern medical technology. It is my colossal hope to compassionately catch and fulfill the medical bankruptcy of the exhausted people in developing countries.
