Dedyhka
Mar 3, 2008
Dedyhka
Feb 29, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay on The most remembering moment in my life [3]
Hello, this is my first essay in English. My teacher returned it to me because of too many mistakes in each sentence. But it is very hard hard to revise a paper that you wrote. Please help me to do this.
Here is my work.
Black, long stripes of braking wheels, damaged in total cars. Big spots of dark, spilled fluids, blood and little rectangles of broken glass. Screamed and waited for help people...
It was an early morning of July 6 2007 in Denver. The Sun was about to rise from what black skies started to change the color. The light breeze slowly moves green leaves of roadside trees with birds on it. I and my friends Pole and Rome came back from work to home. We worked at the casino in Central City and it usually took us one hour to get to Denver. Our trip consisted of two parts: first one was 21 miles in canyon and second was 30 miles on straight freeway. The road in canyon was kind of dangerous because of many sharp curves and blind spots. The other 30 miles was very easy to drove because the road is straight and all you have to do is stay in your line and watch for police patrols if you driving over the limits.
In that day problems began since we finished our work. First I could not find my keys and we spent twenty minutes to find them. Finally, we were on the way to home and after fifteen minutes of driving one of our front tires just exploded and I had to replace it. This took me another fifteen minutes. After that we returned to road and began to discuss what happened.
"It is a little suspicious for that I lost my keys and has punched a tire at the same day. What do you think guys?" I said.
"It is just a concurrence. Do not worry about. "Exclaimed Pole
"I think that it is all devils' game or the signs that we should not drive a car." said Rome thoughtfully.
Having listened to their answers I have thinking about devil. Is he real or it just an imagination? What if Ivan right? What if it is real devils" game? If nobody saw him it means that he is unreal. I have calmed myself. Meanwhile we have passed half of the way and entered freeway. After five minutes I realize that there were only three cars on the road. Two of them were in middle line and one in right line. I drove my car in left line with speed of eighty miles per hour and I was about five hundred feet far from them. I began to speed up to catch those cars.
"One hundred and fifty miles it is too much for you. Please slow it down" Rome said
"Give me only one minute. I just want to pass and after I will drive normally" I replied
Trees, houses, everything behind my windows became solid and invisible. When you can only see what is in front of you but not what is on sides. It felt like diving without goggles. At that moment car, which was in the middle line with speed around sixty five miles quickly changed the line just one hundred feet from me. My first reaction was not breaking. I gave him some time because I thought he will pass the other car and return in the middle line. I was totally wrong. He stayed in my line and did not even think about passing. Then I hit brake pedal, but it was too late. Also there was no free line to pass because there was each car in one line.
It happened quickly and powerfully. I saw how crashed hood jumped in the air, how engine parts scatter in the different sides; everything went like in slow-motion shot. In front of me all crashed with terrible noise, clouds of a dust was raised as we went thru the side rail guards. Thru clouds I saw the damaged car that I have hit and people inside. There were toll and skinny man and his wife. He has been dressed in black suit, white shirt and black tie. His face was deformed from horror. His wife also was nice dressed and her mouth was opened. She should loudly shouts in panic, but I did not hear her because of noise. We continued fell from the height and my car began rolling. In desperation I close my eyes and covered my face and head by my hands. At that moment I hoped that it was just a nightmare. I waited for a second, but it seemed to me as long as an eternity. Then there was an impact. I has flung to the back of my seat and then pressed to my seat. Finally we stopped rolling and became silently and darkly. No images, no sound, no feelings absolutely nothing. I know that I have to be strong; I have to wait until help will arrive. I do not wish to die today. I am still too young. Hopefully I will hear the helpful sound of firefighter's alarm. If they will come fast then I have a good chance to survive. I will spend some time in a hospital. Doctors will fix me and then all became as well as was earlier.
Hello, this is my first essay in English. My teacher returned it to me because of too many mistakes in each sentence. But it is very hard hard to revise a paper that you wrote. Please help me to do this.
Here is my work.
Black, long stripes of braking wheels, damaged in total cars. Big spots of dark, spilled fluids, blood and little rectangles of broken glass. Screamed and waited for help people...
It was an early morning of July 6 2007 in Denver. The Sun was about to rise from what black skies started to change the color. The light breeze slowly moves green leaves of roadside trees with birds on it. I and my friends Pole and Rome came back from work to home. We worked at the casino in Central City and it usually took us one hour to get to Denver. Our trip consisted of two parts: first one was 21 miles in canyon and second was 30 miles on straight freeway. The road in canyon was kind of dangerous because of many sharp curves and blind spots. The other 30 miles was very easy to drove because the road is straight and all you have to do is stay in your line and watch for police patrols if you driving over the limits.
In that day problems began since we finished our work. First I could not find my keys and we spent twenty minutes to find them. Finally, we were on the way to home and after fifteen minutes of driving one of our front tires just exploded and I had to replace it. This took me another fifteen minutes. After that we returned to road and began to discuss what happened.
"It is a little suspicious for that I lost my keys and has punched a tire at the same day. What do you think guys?" I said.
"It is just a concurrence. Do not worry about. "Exclaimed Pole
"I think that it is all devils' game or the signs that we should not drive a car." said Rome thoughtfully.
Having listened to their answers I have thinking about devil. Is he real or it just an imagination? What if Ivan right? What if it is real devils" game? If nobody saw him it means that he is unreal. I have calmed myself. Meanwhile we have passed half of the way and entered freeway. After five minutes I realize that there were only three cars on the road. Two of them were in middle line and one in right line. I drove my car in left line with speed of eighty miles per hour and I was about five hundred feet far from them. I began to speed up to catch those cars.
"One hundred and fifty miles it is too much for you. Please slow it down" Rome said
"Give me only one minute. I just want to pass and after I will drive normally" I replied
Trees, houses, everything behind my windows became solid and invisible. When you can only see what is in front of you but not what is on sides. It felt like diving without goggles. At that moment car, which was in the middle line with speed around sixty five miles quickly changed the line just one hundred feet from me. My first reaction was not breaking. I gave him some time because I thought he will pass the other car and return in the middle line. I was totally wrong. He stayed in my line and did not even think about passing. Then I hit brake pedal, but it was too late. Also there was no free line to pass because there was each car in one line.
It happened quickly and powerfully. I saw how crashed hood jumped in the air, how engine parts scatter in the different sides; everything went like in slow-motion shot. In front of me all crashed with terrible noise, clouds of a dust was raised as we went thru the side rail guards. Thru clouds I saw the damaged car that I have hit and people inside. There were toll and skinny man and his wife. He has been dressed in black suit, white shirt and black tie. His face was deformed from horror. His wife also was nice dressed and her mouth was opened. She should loudly shouts in panic, but I did not hear her because of noise. We continued fell from the height and my car began rolling. In desperation I close my eyes and covered my face and head by my hands. At that moment I hoped that it was just a nightmare. I waited for a second, but it seemed to me as long as an eternity. Then there was an impact. I has flung to the back of my seat and then pressed to my seat. Finally we stopped rolling and became silently and darkly. No images, no sound, no feelings absolutely nothing. I know that I have to be strong; I have to wait until help will arrive. I do not wish to die today. I am still too young. Hopefully I will hear the helpful sound of firefighter's alarm. If they will come fast then I have a good chance to survive. I will spend some time in a hospital. Doctors will fix me and then all became as well as was earlier.
