Undergraduate / "We hadn't been partners!" - how to contribute essay, help me pls [4]

This is my supplement essay for Skidmore. I think it have many problems including length, word choice.... Which parts of it do you think I must cut words or improve it with more details?

Thank You.

Community and citizenship are strongly valued at Skidmore. Please comment on ways you feel you could contribute as a member of the Skidmore community.
We hadn't been partners!
She was a person who belongs to ideas of modern clothes. She could stay awake until 2a.m to finish her fashion collections. I was addicted to fauvism. To me, drawing did not mean spending a whole day in eyes measuring, gazing at objects and hands holding pencils and palettes. I only took them when having inspiration. Most of my works were based on my intuition over painterly qualities and strident color. I always found ways to simplify and abstract subject matters. If she glared at my mind, she would only see a solid color clot. To me, she was a dull person with repeated models. We did not share the same artistic opinions and were the main rivals in every debate. We were similar only in being members of the same group in school's drawing club, the same class and the same table.

When I was in grade 9th, my drawing club's president decided to organize a fashion design contest to celebrate its 10th birthday. She registered enthusiastically with a persistent hope to get one prize. Although we were in the same group, I did not collaborate with her. It was not because I want to let her work alone. Our styles were different. She would not accept my ideas. When she submitted her first draft, the consultants rejected nearly all of them. She was really shocked and could not stop crying. Next days, she did not come to drawing club. I lacked my main competitor to argue about art works, lacked criticism about my unprompted works. Sitting alone on a bench holding her old pictures, I could not lie that I felt happy without her.

"We are friends; can we work together in this show"? P/S: Minh
It was my letter. I came to class earliest to leave it in her shelf. She looked at me with a suspicious look but still gave a nod. Five days before the deadline, we began to renew all of her collection. We shared ideas in combining color and style. Designing was strange to me but I was willing to perceive. She guided me basic step in cutting patterns, modify garment, trace the body and then sketch the designs. I changed her collection by adding vibrant color, using small strokes to make bold distortions in patterns instead of her detailed model. Our collection passed over contest qualifier but only stopped at the seventh position in twenty groups. Perhaps getting a higher prize in this contest would make her more joyful. But it didn't matter. Above all, we were willing to collaborate. I asked her to hear my voice successfully, risked my own pride to receive complaint, gained something new.

This experience was only between me and her working together, sharing ideas but we didn't lose our style. Our works were based on our own artistic opinions mainly with a part combination from the other. In a larger community like Skidmore, I and other students maybe not have the same culture, characters, and opinions. There will be people who won't like my style, agree with my opinions. But I won't be worried about it. I want to have more and more "designers" like her to exchange knowledge, to make arguments. I don't expect that one day; I will sit alone in a bench like that day. Maybe the similarity of us is only to study in the same environment. It is still a strong motivation for me to learn both life's skills and knowledge.

As an international student, I know language and culture is a not easily broken barriers. I must do a lot of things to have an open mind, expand my worldliness. But I will still ask my thought, my Vietnamese culture to be taken seriously. As far as I know, now, at Skidmore, there is only one Vietnamese student. This small number can not compare with other ethnic communities. I desire to help others know more about myself and my country. Vietnam in subconscious of somebody is still full of booms, bloodshed and backwardness. It has its own ever-lasting special features. Vietnam needs to be viewed under more-dimensional eyes. Returning to Vietnam, I will take my knowledge, experience gained at Skidmore with my friends to help them have a more open view about the United States and multiple-race communities.

Skidmore is a world of people who are open and willing to exchange backgrounds. Let me have a chance to contribute my voice, my ability to its spirit, to share my experience at Skidmore with my friends, to help others have more views about Vietnam.

Undergraduate / Minh waker! Soccer player with piano [7]

Hi, I'm a Vietnamese girl. This is my PS. I think it still has some problems. Pls help me. Thank you

Minh waker!!!!! Yeah, congratulations!
I can't believe in my ear that these words are from my parents, teachers and friends. I stand trembling on the stage. It is the first time I have played the piano in front of hundreds of people. It seems an unimaginable fact for me before entering senior high school.

I must admit that I was a boyish girl who seemed perfect in playing marbles, soccer but I never liked hugging dolls. I didn't want to be called a womanly one. Never in my life have I worn a dress. I felt no matter of this. I was impetuous and vigorous. I was not familiar with being criticized, failure.

But what I hated most happened since my first day of high school. My school required all students to participate in at least nonacademic club. Surfing the list: badminton, basketball, and dancing sports ... my eyes stopped at the letter S. "Soccer club is only available for male students". The word "only" stopped my eagerness to help myself pursuit my longtime hobby. I had never been out of soccer players list in junior high school. However, it didn't take me a long time to make a decision. My principle urged enthusiastically all students in social band on participating piano club. It had no difference than a force. I couldn't believe how I would be if I didn't spend half of the day outside my home.

The first lesson was terrible. I either have any artistic talent or dexterous skill. I started hesitantly in a class. While other students showed their eagerness to practice, I only sit in one place looking at the clock. "Next, Minh! It's time for you to show how you understand what I have guided" Ms.Binh, my club instructor said. I pinched my lips and came near the piano. I didn't want to make others realize the fool in myself. But I couldn't conceal it. The notes arranged for left hand seemed too strange. For most of notes I played, the left hand overlapped the right one. Sometimes, both of them did the same notes. I guessed I had played wrongly but I didn't know how to mend it. Whistles from my friends were louder and louder. Ms. Binh was so angry that she required me to say aloud thirty the location of all notes for left hand. It was the most shameful I have suffered. I only wished there was a hole to sneak in immediately.

Since this time, I spent countless hours practicing the piano. I began with one piece in Don Juan by Mozart. If it was played well, the sound was truly youthful and rhythmical. I practiced playing in my every free time. I knew the first step was to try one hand and then combine the two ones in a slow tempo. However, my left hand couldn't play separately with the other. In theory, the left hand kept regularly fast while the right one was still moderate. However, I couldn't preclude the tempo difference between my two hands. The interpretation appeared. This sound was terrible but I couldn't avoid making it noisy. I have been called "waker" since that time.

It was the first nickname of mine. Before that, wherever I went, nobody stared at me in a weird way like it is now. Gradually one outside motivation power grew on me. I felt undisturbed to concentrate to keep practicing pieces of music I found truly passionate about. Seeing my friend do well with complex works by classical music composers made me want to minimize myself, but I wasn't ashamed of my poor skill. I really respected for those guys but I believed that a girl like me could play soccer as boys so why while they could play the piano, I couldn't. From speaking alone with a ball, I went to reveal my thought, personality with the piano. I found out that performing song in the choir gave me the same feeling as running at a stadium. All member of a team were solid, coordinate to prepare for club meetings. Slowly, I truly loved playing the piano. It made me excited and less absorbed with soccer. The first time I admitted that I could sit in one place for a long time.

What my friends may not know is that playing the piano contributes a large part in changing my life. The newfound interest inspires me to discover something new I haven't thought. Both soccer and the piano player exist for me in a harmonious way. I become more open-minded, willing to accept challenges. I find it easier to share my opinions and want to know why they like something. Thanks to piano club, I know how to accept any changes and overcome my own prejudice to know myself better.