Kaiki
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn- Page 217 Middle-aged teenager [5]
An ambulance had rushed my father to Stanford Hospital at 12:40 A.M and in the same manner of the ambulance, I think you can just leave this as "in the same manner", as adding in of the ambulence seems redundant my mother had rushed through the empty freeways to get to the emergency room.
The gravity of what had just happened seeped into I think you forgot a "me" here. like the numbing cold of the brisk air outside.
So I waited for my mother to return as the forty year-old me sat patiently while I think this may benefit by changing "while" to "as". the fourteen year-old me let one tear escape.
Other than those little changes, I think it's very well written and rather reflective. Please forgive me if my changes are not what you like. As you said on mine please just take them as suggestions.
An ambulance had rushed my father to Stanford Hospital at 12:40 A.M and in the same manner of the ambulance, I think you can just leave this as "in the same manner", as adding in of the ambulence seems redundant my mother had rushed through the empty freeways to get to the emergency room.
The gravity of what had just happened seeped into I think you forgot a "me" here. like the numbing cold of the brisk air outside.
So I waited for my mother to return as the forty year-old me sat patiently while I think this may benefit by changing "while" to "as". the fourteen year-old me let one tear escape.
Other than those little changes, I think it's very well written and rather reflective. Please forgive me if my changes are not what you like. As you said on mine please just take them as suggestions.