Posts by rchase520

rchase520

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / Tell us about a time you used your creativity...(MIT) "Acting Out Desiderata" [4]

Very strong essay. The vocabulary is great, but there are a few corrections I would make.

And, as I listen to the voice of God in my heart, I discover the happiness I vainly pursue in the secular world.

It is difficult for humanity to understand the prime value of prayer especially in this age of post-industrialism when we are all afraid of the intrusion of religion in our lives.

This sentence seems a bit too long, and I'm sure you know what you're saying but I really don't understand. Just try to cut it down a bit.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence, "God whispered to man on the trillionth day of creation.

Looking Vikalp in the eye as I, God, pull him from the ground during the last stanza, I was about ready to finish the skit.

Astonishingly, as we closed, the students saved the applause. Everyone nodded at the actors, smiling at us wholeheartedly and sincerely-one could tell.

Great essay! Please take a few minutes to read over and critique mine.

Thanks in advance!

rchase520

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "Never Give Up On Yourself" - My Common Essay (i think it is awkward) [18]

Very interesting and well written essay, however I have a few corrections.

Back then, I was an underachiever who consistently received poor grades.

"My teachers' disapointment was reflected in their frequent calls to my mother." (at the end of the first paragraph)

One day, the teacher suggested my mother transfer me to a school for mentally challenged children."

It appeared that I had turned to a genius overnight! From then on, I learned to study hard and complete homework on time.

As the only student to get a perfect score on the middle school entrance exam , I was immediately perceived as a good student in my teachers' eyes.

I hesitated for several seconds while my teachers' warnings about not causing trouble swarmed through my mind.

Instead of "However, I knew I had to do what was right even if I had to suffer it.", how about "I ultimately decided to intervene in their heinous act, no matter what the future consequences may have been."

My parents meticulously selected a new school for me.

In its most famous science class , I could hardly clinch the number one spot as I could previously.

Drinking and fighting was commonplace.

In 9th grade, facing the oncoming final exam, nobody paid me much attention.

I read many biographies of successful people like Bill Gates and Michael Jordan, all of which mentioned self-worth.

I found that the unwavering approval I was looking for came from within.

LIfe is about sticking to my morals and being a person who will never deny me the right to be myself.

Please take the time to read and correct my essay!

rchase520

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / JOHNS HOPKINS SUPPLEMENT "Why international relations and politics?" [3]

Economic and Social Council Carrier After Study

The world is being torn apart by disease, war, starvation, and violence. As a citizen of the United States who is fortunate enough to have food, water, and shelter, I feel that it is my responsibility to help others less fortunate than myself. I would like to study political science and international studies at Johns Hopkins University because I feel that there are too much bureaucratic dealings behind the scenes in international politics and relations, and something must be done. These behind-the-scenes dealings not only delay aid to struggling countries, but also restrict the ability of developed countries to solve the complex issues the world faces today. A double major in International Studies and Political Science would allow me to learn how to deal with the bureaucratic connections present in the world of international politics. Johns Hopkins University would help me to prepare for a life of service in the international community, and specifically for a position at the United Nations Economic and Social Council. It has been my goal to make a difference, and it is there that I will be able to truly help improve the state of current issues such as climate change, genocide, gender issues, disease, and starvation. Enrollment in Johns Hopkins University could be the first step in achieving my dream.

Political science has intrigued me since I was very young, listening to my father and grandfather's discussions of the daily news. These conversations piqued my interest, and, as a third grader, I began to read the newspaper. Elections, laws, controversies, issues, and the power to make a difference in society. Ever since the third grade, I have always viewed a career in political science as a strong possibility because it so closely correlates with my desire to change the world for the better because, as a private citizen, there is only so much we can do. Although we all have the right to assemble, draw a petition, and replace our leaders if given probable cause, the politicians have the true power to make an improvement in the human condition. It is one of my dreams to join them and truly make a difference.

The interdisciplinary nature of the International Studies major at Johns Hopkins will prepare me for a successful career working for the Economic and Social Council. Although I have studied Spanish, Latin, Italian, and English, the three year foreign language requirement will allow me to enhance my communication skills further, possibly with the addition of German or Mandarin Chinese to my foreign language repertoire. In addition, the exposure of students to different cultures through the required five semester history courses will help to gain a further understanding of the traditions of other cultures that I may not have been previously exposed to. The foreign language and history requirements, along with the economics requirement, leave many options open for life after college, one of which hopefully will include a job at the Economic and Social Council.

There are a multitude of serious issues facing our world today. What will we do without petroleum? How do we stop the spread of nuclear proliferation? Can we cure HIV and AIDS? My goal in life is to impact one of these issues for the better, and a major in either international relations, political science, or both is my calling.

Thank you for your comments in advance!

rchase520

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / 'truth, civility and righteousness' - Lehigh supplement equity and community [4]

"Equity brings the truth, civility and righteous to a tightly knit community"

Just change righteous to "righteousness."

"Similarly, communities are not as strong as they have been in the past."

"Hunters and gatherers work together in every aspect of life, such as hunting, house chores, caring of elders and children. They face failures and success together and no matter how hard the task, they are a joint community of people who stand next to each other through tough times. But at the end of the day, they share a great amount of equity with each other which in return makes them a tightly knit community."

Because you're talking about the past, you need to change the tense from present to past in these few sentences.

"But as mankind has evolved into the 21st century, it is our human nature to be greedy and selfish, and we try to get ahead of everyone by leaving the community behind."

I would change it to : "Unfortunately , as mankind has marched into the 21st century, human nature has changed from selflessness to selfishness , as we try to gain the competitive edge by leaving the community behind."

Other than those few things, I like your essay! please take a few minutes to read over and edit mine.Good luck!

rchase520

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "student-body president" - Common App: Personal Essay [5]

I really enjoyed your essay, although there are a few changes I would make.

Time could not go by any slower as I waited outside the building for the results to be posted.

Instead of "Time could not go by any slower," maybe "Time slowly ticked by," or something like it.

"The only sound I could hear was the pounding of my heart which seemed to go faster and faster as the wait time drew to a close."

Maybe instead of "which seemed to go faster and faster," how about "seemed to beat faster and faster?" just a suggestion.

"I knew that I had to make it count."

How about "I knew I needed to make an impressive impression."? Just an idea, but the phrase "make it count" seems a bit too informal.

"But, I was up for the challenge."

"I was, however, up for the challenge." or something like that. Just try to avoid starting with a preposition.

"I put an end to their question when I finally introduced myself during the speech that I made."

"I answered their question... I made."

"Becoming president not only gave me a chance to voice out my opinions, but helped me help others be heard."

not only... but also. "Becoming president not only gave me a chance to voice out my opinions, but also helped me to represent others."

I'm proud of myself because I came to Camino Nuevo as a shy, introverted person not knowing a single soul on campus, yet when I leave the school walking across the stage in June, I can say I'm leaving with four-hundred times that.

I came to Camino Nuevo as a shy, introverted person not knowing a single soul on campus, yet when I walk across the stage in June, I will leave knowing four-hundred times that.

I really liked your essay overall! Please read over mine,

Good Luck!

rchase520

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / 'avoiding of listing' - Rough draft of Bates vitality essay. [3]

My seventeen years of life thus far have been about hard work and responsibility. I have lived in Morris County, New Jersey, for the duration of my life. According to the 2007 census, Morris County has the fifth-highest median household income in the country. Growing up in this type of environment has shown me what it takes to live like the people around me. Granted, some of the people have been fortunate enough to inherit old money, handed down through generations, but the majority are people who have started their own businesses and have worked their way to the top. Laziness, in the eyes of the people of my community, could be compared to a capital offense. Since the beginning of high school, my main focuses have been an honors-level curriculum in school and multiple hours a day of tennis, along with family and my social life. The combination of my environment and responsibilities to both school and tennis has allowed me to become the young man I am today, and will allow me to contribute to the future vitality of Bates.

My experiences in my journey through the tennis rankings will undoubtedly allow me to contribute to the vitality of Bates. I began playing tennis when I was twelve. Two years passed with little improvement, and I became fed up with my inability to win tournament matches. Inspired by the people around me and driven by a strong will to succeed, I pushed myself harder than I ever knew I could. I ended the 2005 USTA (United States Tennis Association) New Jersey District season with a ranking of one hundred one. By the end of the 2009 season, I was ranked number one. The will and determination to succeed that I have demonstrated throughout my junior tennis career also translates into my school life. Freshman year, I took only three honors courses along with a few electives at the advanced level. Since then, I have consistently added at least one honors level course each year I have been in high school. I have taken the highest-level classes possible during my junior and senior years on top of my tennis schedule. I also decided I wanted to learn another language outside of school during my senior year, and as a result I am currently learning Italian to back up my four years of Spanish and two years of Latin. My will to learn and improve myself will contribute to the vitality of Bates because a strong work ethic and determination is inspiring and contagious. As my story can attest, I will exhibit a strong example to the students around me, and, hopefully, on the Bates men's tennis team. A strong work ethic can be taken throughout life, to open new doors, enrich lives, or reach goals. I believe that I can go anywhere with my work ethic, and it is exactly this belief that I wish to spread at Bates. This belief will enrich the vitality of both the school and my fellow students.