Undergraduate / Two Short UVA Essays: Orwell's "1984" and the word maverick [4]

So basically I should add on more of my experiences to make the essays a little more concrete?

I'm having trouble with the word count...

Any other comments would be appreciated!

Undergraduate / Mocking my Chinese ethnicity - Williams Essay-Looking out the window [11]

I think that F****** is not too offensive, given the circumstances. It happened. You're transcribing it. It's perfectly fine, even necessary, because it gives the reader a shock.

Word count wise, I think you could erase a bit with "The little girl looks in the general direction of the rock's path and sees a group of teenage boys doubling over with laughter. Although slightly annoyed, the little girl shrugs, the rocks are small and harmless, no big deal. The little girl tugs on her grandma's hand and they continue to walk." and "Years later, reflecting upon that scene, I realized that the boys' racist comments were a direct result of ignorance and fear. The boys couldn't comprehend why we looked differently, dressed differently, and acted differently. They probably never came into personal contact with a Chinese person and didn't understand Chinese culture. As a result, they only viewed us as strange beings they couldn't understand, and they feared us because of it." Try summerizing these into one or two short sentences.

I hate word counts...I actually had to rewrite a whole essay because I couldn't cut out enough and needed to start over.

Undergraduate / Mocking my Chinese ethnicity - Williams Essay-Looking out the window [11]

Really nice essay! I picked up on a few technical mistakes that I corrected below:

It is a gorgeous day to be playing outside in the park; the sky is clear and blue, the wind blows gently across the park(The repetition is unnecessary) , and the sun shines its warm rays upon the ground. A little Chinese girl gets off the swings; she skips over to her grandmother and says brightly, "Grandma, let' s go home." The little girl holds her grandmother's hand tightly, and together they walk along the sinuous path of the park towards their house. Somewhere along the way, as though out of the blue, rocks start to fly in their direction. The little girl looks in the general direction of the rock's path and sees a group of teenage boys doubling over with laughter. Although slightly annoyed, the little girl shrugs , the rocks are small and harmless, no big deal. The little girl tugs on her grandma's hand and they continue to walk. "HEY! HEY YOU F****** CHINK! Can't you SEE we're throwing rocks at you?" The little girl turns around and stares in shock. She sees the boy hold his fingers to his eyes and stretch them sideways as he stresses on the word "see".

The rest of the scene is insignificant. (You had a bit of a run on here.) How my grandmother and I eventually made it home left no impression on my mind. The only image that imprinted deeply into my head was of the smirking boy making slanted eyes and mocking my ethnicity. This was my first exposure to racism and bigotry, and the only thought that ran through my mind over and over was, how can this boy I don't even know be so rude towards me simply because I'm Chinese?(Maybe italics would be better to separate the thought from dialogue, but it's your choice.)

Years later, reflecting upon that scene, I realized that the boys' racist comments were a direct result of ignorance and fear. The boys couldn't comprehend why we looked differently, dressed differently, and acted differently. They probably never came into personal contact with a Chinese person and didn't understand Chinese culture. As a result, they only viewed us as strange beings they couldn't understand us , and they feared us because of it. This scene made me see first-hand how racism stems from fear of the different and the unknown. I realize that in order to eliminate racism in the world, we have to understand each other's cultural customs and learn to appreciate diversity. I have become a person who is eager to share her culture and traditions with others. I have tried to promote the understanding of Chinese culture by teaching a Chinese Language&Culture class and participating in a Chinese folkdance group. Through my efforts to promote Chinese culture, I have also become more receptive of other cultural customs as well. Throughout the years, I have learned about many different cultures, from Hindi culture to Ethiopian culture.

It is funny how one scene from my childhood, one deeply hurtful comment spurred on my desire to eliminate racism and prejudice through sharing of and understanding of cultural values. I believe we, as humans, are capable of tolerance, acceptance, and love. If each person can take just five minutes a day to explain an aspect of his or her culture to another, if each person can respond to a bigot comment with reason rather than more bigotry, we can rid of hatred and racism from planet earth.

I really enjoyed this essay. Being a person who has experienced many different cultures myself, I think you brought out the issues well. You focused on one very striking experience and zoomed out on yourself and how you do your best to make the world a better place, something I think admissions officers are looking for (though I'm no expert). You do seem to have a few punctuation problems here and there, which I would rather someone else take a look at, because punctuation isn't my strong point and I'm afraid I'll mess you up. If you want, I can highlight the areas I think have problems.

Good luck on getting into Williams!

Edit: Just saw the word count. I'll see what I can do...