SFRTom
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Phone Call that Changed my Life" -Common App Personal Essay [2]
Prompt:
"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
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The phone rang. Night had fallen, yet in a busy family of six it was not uncommon to be plagued with endless phone calls. After several rings, my mother answered. Suddenly, our regular nighttime routine was interrupted by her loud cries of disbelief. I rushed into the room with my dad to find my mother down on her knees, sobbing. She calmed herself enough to tell us that Andrew Kilby, a fifteen year old high school freshman, had been killed in an ATV crash that night. Even though I was only eleven, that phone call changed my life.
I had always looked up to Andrew, admiring how he had personally given food, blankets, and even the clothes off his back to the homeless in our community. After hearing of his death, I was in a state of complete shock. How could somebody living such a moral and selfless life be killed? What good could possibly come of such a tragedy?
Soon I began to see a glimmer of hope. I watched as hundreds of people bonded together and showered the Kilby family with food, love, and prayers. My own family invited them to the mountains one weekend where we developed a close friendship that has lasted to this day. Our church created Andrew's Angels, a youth ministry devoted to serving the homeless, which I was quick to join. Andrew's death was devastating, yet it opened my eyes to the blessings that can arise from great loss.
I witnessed firsthand the power of community. When people work together for a common goal, I believe that goal can be achieved faster and with much more rewarding results. Friendship and teamwork are essential to success. I know I will face many challenges throughout my college life and beyond. I may face challenges that cannot be overcome alone, and I will accept help when necessary. Andrew's death has allowed me to realize that when faced with tragedy, people have the natural ability to unite and heal.
My view of the homeless has been transformed by Andrew's Angels. Through this ministry, teenagers in the community actively search for homeless people on the streets, personally giving them food, blankets, clothing, and toiletries. Society tends to view the homeless as a collective body, whose identity never goes beyond the word "homeless." I have learned that every homeless person is an individual, each with his or her own unique story. On a recent Andrew's Angels winter outing, I encountered an old man pushing a pale woman with no legs in a dirty green shopping cart. I offered them blankets, which the man graciously accepted and piled over the woman, forming a protective shield to defend her from the icy winter breeze. Meeting people like this face to face on the street and talking with them allows me to fully experience their humanity.
There is a prayer by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr that I feel rings true in my mind as a result of Andrew's death: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I cannot change Andrew's death, and wishing he were alive again would be futile. But I can change my reaction to tragedies and challenges in my life. I will focus on the positive and try to overcome every obstacle I face. Sometimes, it takes a terrible tragedy to awaken people to reality. September 11th and Hurricane Katrina demonstrated to America the importance of community and teamwork. Andrew's death has taught me the same lessons, but on a more personal level. Tragedies have the potential to create new beginnings, but to discover them we must first answer the call.
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I just need another person's view of this essay. The last few paragraphs feel too unconnected to me, and the ending feels somewhat abrupt. I am also worried that this doesn't show my personality enough and is a common a topic, but maybe I am wrong. Criticism and suggestions are much appreciated! Thanks.
Prompt:
"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------
The phone rang. Night had fallen, yet in a busy family of six it was not uncommon to be plagued with endless phone calls. After several rings, my mother answered. Suddenly, our regular nighttime routine was interrupted by her loud cries of disbelief. I rushed into the room with my dad to find my mother down on her knees, sobbing. She calmed herself enough to tell us that Andrew Kilby, a fifteen year old high school freshman, had been killed in an ATV crash that night. Even though I was only eleven, that phone call changed my life.
I had always looked up to Andrew, admiring how he had personally given food, blankets, and even the clothes off his back to the homeless in our community. After hearing of his death, I was in a state of complete shock. How could somebody living such a moral and selfless life be killed? What good could possibly come of such a tragedy?
Soon I began to see a glimmer of hope. I watched as hundreds of people bonded together and showered the Kilby family with food, love, and prayers. My own family invited them to the mountains one weekend where we developed a close friendship that has lasted to this day. Our church created Andrew's Angels, a youth ministry devoted to serving the homeless, which I was quick to join. Andrew's death was devastating, yet it opened my eyes to the blessings that can arise from great loss.
I witnessed firsthand the power of community. When people work together for a common goal, I believe that goal can be achieved faster and with much more rewarding results. Friendship and teamwork are essential to success. I know I will face many challenges throughout my college life and beyond. I may face challenges that cannot be overcome alone, and I will accept help when necessary. Andrew's death has allowed me to realize that when faced with tragedy, people have the natural ability to unite and heal.
My view of the homeless has been transformed by Andrew's Angels. Through this ministry, teenagers in the community actively search for homeless people on the streets, personally giving them food, blankets, clothing, and toiletries. Society tends to view the homeless as a collective body, whose identity never goes beyond the word "homeless." I have learned that every homeless person is an individual, each with his or her own unique story. On a recent Andrew's Angels winter outing, I encountered an old man pushing a pale woman with no legs in a dirty green shopping cart. I offered them blankets, which the man graciously accepted and piled over the woman, forming a protective shield to defend her from the icy winter breeze. Meeting people like this face to face on the street and talking with them allows me to fully experience their humanity.
There is a prayer by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr that I feel rings true in my mind as a result of Andrew's death: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I cannot change Andrew's death, and wishing he were alive again would be futile. But I can change my reaction to tragedies and challenges in my life. I will focus on the positive and try to overcome every obstacle I face. Sometimes, it takes a terrible tragedy to awaken people to reality. September 11th and Hurricane Katrina demonstrated to America the importance of community and teamwork. Andrew's death has taught me the same lessons, but on a more personal level. Tragedies have the potential to create new beginnings, but to discover them we must first answer the call.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------
I just need another person's view of this essay. The last few paragraphs feel too unconnected to me, and the ending feels somewhat abrupt. I am also worried that this doesn't show my personality enough and is a common a topic, but maybe I am wrong. Criticism and suggestions are much appreciated! Thanks.