Undergraduate / Goizueta Essay on Leadership [5]

mhusmani
The PVS Panthers fervently drove the soccer ball down the field and scored point number seven(,) demolishing the opposing Brownsville Road team. The final score was(read) seven to zero,(and) the trophy was ours,(.) and I, their demanding yet agreeable coach, was in euphoria(awkwardly expressed) as the Panthers were crowned champions of the entire recreation league for the fifth straight season.

Long before any trophies were handed out or practice drills were run, a decision had to be made if any of this were to happen.(be more clear) When I was in high school I found out(discovered? Use a thesaurus) that the soccer coach of my former elementary school had become ill, and would no longer be able to coach the team. I thought about the children, many of whom come from difficult backgrounds, and how they would have nothing to look forward to after school, nothing to take pride in. I then thought about how much soccer meant to me when I was their age, not only as a means to exercise, but as a way to escape troubles at home. A few days later I stopped by Pleasant View School and offered my help in coaching the team, "for the kids," I thought to myself. They gladly accepted and gave me a copy of the schedule, as well as the first practice day.

I arrived at the school's field on that balmy spring afternoon at 3:00 sharp, without the slightest idea of what to expect. There I was standing on the field with pumped balls, cones and drinks; not knowing that in the next 45 minutes I would meet kids whom I would be coaching for the next 3 years. The kids arrived, all ten eight year old with different backgrounds and skill levels but with one common goal; winning. (The team arrived, consisting of ten eight year olds all with... Despite their differences, they all had one common goal in their young minds; winning.)

Winning is something we did plenty of during the next 5 seasons,(Revise. We did plenty of sounds unprofessional) but my relationships with the children did not stop on the field. I became someone they could talk to,(what's a word for "someone you can talk to"?) someone who could help them with their math homework,(or come to for assistance with their school work) I was not only their coach, I was a friend. The team depended on me to give them the tools to be champions, but they ended up giving me the tools I needed to be a champion. Sure I spent many hours drawing up plays, coaching players, and perfecting the fundamentals of coaching (not to mention pumping soccer balls and bringing snacks before every game)but looking back at it all, I feel as if I benefited more than the kids. I now think back to when I decided to take on the coaching position and doing it for the kids, but alas, "this was for me."

Especially in the second and paragraph seems like you're talking about how compassionate you are, not your leadership skills. Good topic and points but make sure you stay on the topic: leadership. They're not asking how you were changed.

Poetry / 6,142 Feet - a poem of less than 8 lines that "best represents me" [9]

Thanks for the input, I edited out a lot of words. What do you think?

Undergraduate / Dear Diary-- Describe yourself in a letter [12]

Love the idea! Wish I could think of something so creative!

Poetry / 6,142 Feet - a poem of less than 8 lines that "best represents me" [9]

Carlos can you elaborate on that?

Undergraduate / Georgetown Essay: Summer Activity: My time in Kenya [3]

joosunggrace

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes (Rubbing my sleepy eyes?), my hands grope for my glasses and I sit up to look at my clock. When I don't see the familiar blinking of my alarm clock, my eyes flare open. Oh yeah, I wasn't in my comfortable room back home in California, but rather, the small community center in Masailand, Kenya. The jittering in my stomach from yesterday continues as if it had never left. Today would be the first day of teaching here in Africa. Judging by the sun that was just starting to peek out from Kenya's rugged mountains, it should be around 5 AM. I swing my legs from the small cot that I had been sleeping on and go to (Poor word choice, left to? thesaurus it) wake up the other team members. We would have a staff meeting in an hour. The staff meeting would begin in an hour.

As a 14 year-old, I was the youngest member of our 8-member team of college students in Kenya sent to teach English. So, when the head director appointed me as leader, I was shocked. It was true, that I had a bit of experience-I had gone traveled to Thailand with the same organization to teach English and distribute supplies the summer before, and I had been helping helped out at the education center my dad had started since I was in the fourth grade. But, it didn't make any sense. Never the less, it did not seem to make any sense How would I, a mere sophomore, be able to lead a group of college students, especially in a land that was completely foreign and unknown? But what was done was done, and worrying wasn'twas not going to do me any good. poor word choice, look up help in the thesaurus and use that instead I knew I had to find a way to gain the respect of my teammates, without giving out the vibegiving them the impression that I looked down upon poor word choice, delete or say in a better way them felt superior to them just because I was the team leader. This would be tricky. I'vei have had my fair shareAn ample amount? good opportunity to use a big word of leadership positions in the past. I had taken chargehave proven my leadership skills in the past , and, as the perfectionist that I ama little obnoxious, consider changing , tried my best to execute each and every one of my actions successfully. But this time, I had to learn how to play both roles: the junior [or youngest] of the group and the leader that needed to be recognized as a leader if I were to successfully navigate ourselves in such an unfamiliar environment and culture. However, I needed to learn to play two opposing roles...

Keeping this complex task in mind, I hurryhurried toward a small row of huts that would serve as our classroom. It's two hours before the start of classes, but little boys and girls can be seen slowly trekking up the hill, using long branches and sticks as canes. Some girls have siblings tied to their backs. Most have a small twig called "mswaki" protruding from their mouths, with which they use to brush their teeth. I smile at them as I head toward the small room where we hold our staff meetings. All the team members have already washed and gathered. I pass out the curriculum files that we had worked on for hours to develop at the California office. Today would be the first day to see how effective these lesson plans will be. Giving last minute instructions, I encourage my team members to do their best and to love each and every one of their students. "The focus of our team is to serve these children in whatever way possible. If it is education that they want, we'll we will give it to them. But don't hesitate to offer a hug or a smile if it is love that they thirst for." Adjourning the meeting, I realize that this would be the day when my leadership skills as well as all my preparation will bear fruit. Today would be my report card, and I hoped that I wouldn't do too badly. But all the sudden, I realized that I shouldn't be nervous. As a leader, a teacher, and a student who has yet to learn much more, I can only cross my fingers and rely on my training, wits, and my heart to serve those around me-not just in Kenya, but for each step that I take in my life.

I have to run out the door so I didn't have time to fully edit the last paragraph. Good essay topic and description. Add some more emotion to it. Talk more about how you felt and how the experience changed you. Also, never use conjunctions (can't, won't etc.) Definitely consult thesaurus.com for a few more smart words. GOOD LUCK!